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FOR  Better  or  Worse. 


A  BOOK  FOR  SOME  MEN  AND  ALL  WOMEN. 


BY 

JENNIE  CUNNINGHAM  CROLY. 

(JBITNIE  JUNE.)  \    ^ 


"  If  the  past  is  not  to  bind  ns,  where  can  duty  lie  7   Wo  shonld 
have  no  law  but  the  inclination  of  the  moment." 

Geobge  Eliot. 


BOSTON: 

LEE     AND     SHEPARD,    PUBLISHERS. 

NEW  YORK: 

LEE,  SHEPAKD,  AND  DILLINGHAM. 

1875. 


e>^ 


Entered,  according  to  Act  of  Congress,  in  the  year  1874, 

By  lee  and  SHEPARD, 

In  the  Office  of  the  Librarian  of  Congress,  at  Washington. 


Stereotyped  at  the  Bo<ston  Stereotype  Foaudry, 
19  Spring  Lane. 


PREFACE. 

— »-s^aei! — 

It  is  a  fact  that  no  one  will  dispute,  that  there  is 
great  apparent  dissatisfaction  with  our  present  social 
conditions,  and  with  the  relations  that  men  and 
women  bear  to  each  other.  It  breaks  out  in  the 
form  of  "  complex  "  and  "  free  love  "  communities, 
in  periodicals  devoted  to  undermining  marriage  as 
an  institution,  in  speeches  and  lectures  advocating 
"  easy "  divorce,  and  more  seriously  in  the  actual 
belief  entertained  by  many  good  men  and  women, 
that  marriage  is  a  relic  of  barbarism,  is  opposed  to 
individual  freedom,  and  is,  in  fact,  only  a  traditional 
and  tolerated  form  of  domestic  slavery. 

Some  may  dispute  it ;  but  there  are  really  good 
'men  and  women  who  believe  that  marriage  which 
could  be  terminated  at  will,  or  no  marriage  at  all, 
would  be  better  than  permanent,  indissoluble  mar- 
riage, which  "  ties  "  people  together  for  life,  whether 
they  will  or  no. 

3 


4  PREFACE. 

This  being  tied,  is  to  many  a  very  terrible  idea. 
Interfere  with  the  mighty  pronoun  I  ?  ijever !  Per- 
sonal freedom  is  the  dearest  of  all  rights,  the  most 
sacred  of  all  duties,  and  every  other  should  be  sub- 
ordinate to  it. 

Grant  all  of  this ;  but  pray  say,  where  does 
personal  freedom  begin  ? 

We  are  tied  from  the  moment  we  enter  the 
world,  and  are  probably  the  better  and  the  happier 
for  it,  though  we  may  rebel  against  it.  We  are 
actual  slaves  to  circumstances  which  preceded  our 
birth,  which  enclosed  us  in  a  skin,  which  governed 
our  height,  our  color,  our  shape,  our  strength  or  our 
weakness,  and  over  which  we  had  not  the  least 
control.  We  are  tied  after  biilh  to  certain  natural 
laws,  which  we  very  impei'fectly  understand,  and 
of  which  we  can  only  see  the  results.  We  are  tied 
with  cords  woven  by  time  itself  to  the  habits  and 
traditions  which  have  preceded  us ;  and  more  strong- 
ly still  are  we  tied  by  our  instincts  and  desires, 
which,  blind  and  unreasoning  as  they  are,  we  are 
compelled  to  obey. 

We  tolerate  our  sei'vitude  because  we  imagine 
it  is  ourselves  we  are  serving ;  but,  in  reality,  it 
is  a  bundle  of  habits,  opinions,  prejudices,  and  pe- 


PREFACE.  5 

culiarities,  which  have  obtained  a  habitation,  and 
to  which  has  been  given  a  name  ;  and  even  that 
name  —  John,  or  Jane,  as  the  case  may  be  —  is 
not  our  own,  but  is  shared  by  many  other  atoms 
of  humanity,  more  or  less  like   ourselves. 

We  see,  then,  there  is  very  little  of  the  freedom 
of  which  we  boast  so  much  in  the  matter. 

The  strongest  human  instinct  next  to  that  which 
sustains  life,  is  for  companionship  ;  and  as  men 
and  women  were  made  for,  and  are  necessary  to 
each  other,  it  follows,  that,  so  long  as  the  world 
exists,  they  will  live  together  under  some,  if  not 
the  present  conditions  and  circumstances. 

Are  the  present  the  right  conditions  ?  and  if  not, 
in  what  respect  are  they  wrong  ?  That  everything 
is  not  quite  right,  is  self-evident.  There  are  no 
fixed  or  universal  laws  in  regard  to  marriage.  What 
is  marriage  in  one  state,  or  in  one  part  of  the  world, 
is  not  marriage  in  another  ;  and  what  would  be  per- 
fectly respectable  and  proper  to  do  in  one  place, 
in  another  would  consign  the  individual  to  odium. 

Moreover,  there  are  no  laws  regulating  the  terms 
upon  which  men  and  women  should  come  together.^ 
All  the   details  of  a  copartnership  which  is  to  last 
a  lifetime,  which    involves    the  interests  of  children 


6  PREFACE. 

and  the  welfare  of  society,  are  left  to  the  justice 
and  the  judgment  of  the  parties  themselves,  who 
are  not  unfrequently  as  imbecile  as  they  are  rash 
and   unthinking. 

Thus  we  see  the  most  terrible  results  from  mar- 
riages which  ought  never  to  have  taken  place ;  and 
these  consequences  are  attached  as  a  load  to  the 
back  of  individuals  and  society. 

Even  under  the  best  conditions,  marriage  suffers 
from  the  anarchical  ideas  prevalent  in  regard  to  it  — 
ideas  fed  by  trifles  incident  to  the  happiest  state 
of  existence,  but  which  exert  an  uneasy  and  dis- 
quieting influence,  where  they  do  not  lead  to  open 
disloyalty. 

Apart,  however,  from  exceptional  evils  and  false 
or  mistaken  ideas,  marriage  as  it  exists,  is  open  to 
criticism,  because  it  places  men  and  women  in  false 
positions ;  and  what  these  positions  are,  wherein 
they  are  false,  and  how  they  can  be  improved, 
it  is  the  object  of  the  following  pages  to  show. 
That  this  has  been  crudely  and  imperfectly  done, 
no  one  is  better  aware  than  the  writer ;  but  if 
the  ideas  and  suggestions  contained  herein  were 
believed  to  be  wholly  destitute  of  value,  they  would 
never  have  seen  the  light. 


CONTENTS. 


CHAPTER  PAGE 

I.  Maidenhood 9 

II.  What  Education  does  for  Gihls 16 

III.  Boy  and  Girl  Love 26 

IV.  Qualifications  fob  Marriage 34 

V.  Engaged 45 

VI.  The  "Honey-moon." 63 

VII.  The  Duty  of  the  Wife 61 

VIII.  Duties  of  Husbands 76 

IX.  Duty  op  Parents 87 

X.  Marriage  as  a  Partnership 100 

XI.  Marriage  as  a  Mistake 109 

XII.  Marrying  for  Money 120 

XIII.  Marrying  without  Money 129 

XIV.  Marrying  for  a  Home 139 

XV.  True  Marriage 151 

XVI.  The  Future  Husband 163 

XVII.  The  Family  op  the  Future 172 

XVIII.  Married  Forever 184 

1 


8  CONTENTS. 

XIX.     HoDSEHOLD  Tbaditions 193 

XX.     MoDEBK   Bkidals 204 

XXI.     The  Sin  of  Igkob&nce 214 

XXII.    Divorce. 223 

XXIII.    DoussTio  Sebviob 227 


FOR  BETTER  OR  WORSE. 

CHAPTER    I. 

MAIDENHOOD. 

*'  Standing  with  reluctant  feet 
Where  the  brook  and  river  meet, 
Womanhood  and  childhood  fleet. 

Gazing  with  a  timid  glance, 
On  the  brooklet's  swift  advance, 
On  the  river's  broad  expanse. 

Deep  and  still,  that  gliding  stream 
Beautiful  to  thee  must  seem, 
As  the  rivers  of  a  dream." 

All  girls  anticipate,  with  more  or  less  of  satisfac- 
tion and  pleasure,  the  great  event  of  leaving  school. 
Not  unfrequently  they  look  back  upon  their  school- 
days as  the  brightest  part  of  their  lives ;  but  at  the 
same  time  their  stories  have  not  been  told,  the  future 
is  all  before  them,  and  they  are  impatient  to  raise  the 
curtain,  turn  over  the  pages,  and  see  the  delights 
that  may  be  in  store  for  them. 

Poets  and  novelists  have  said  and  sung  the  charms 
of  sweet  sixteen,  or  thereabouts,  until  they  have  sur- 

9 


10  FOR  BETTER   OR   WORSE. 

rounded  that  interesting  period  with  a  halo  of  sweet- 
ness and  simplicity  which  may  or  may  not  belong  to 
it,  and  certainly  cannot  be  found  among  our  modern 
boarding-school  and  "  society  "  young  ladies. 

Whatever  is  the  reason,  girls  even  at  the  age  of 
romantic  sixteen,  are  rarely  now  addicted  to  poetry  or 
sentiment.  They  may  be  betrayed  into  it,  but  they 
recover  themselves  immediately  ;  are  generally  hard, 
dry,  and  practical  as  a  Massachusetts  lawyer ;  little 
given  to  moonlight  and  reverie,  and  thoroughly  ac- 
quainted with  the  amount  of  income  necessary  to  mar- 
ried manly  and  womanly  happiness. 

The  sweet  reluctance,  which  Longfellow  so  ex- 
quisitely describes,  must  be  looked  upon  as  a  poetical 
license  or  a  figure  of  speech,  for  it  is  as  far  removed 
as  possible  from  the  haste  with  which  young  girls 
seek  to  escape  from  the  reminiscences  of  childhood, 
and  the  ardor  with  which  they  pursue  possible  oppor- 
tunities for  achieving  the  honors  and  responsibilities 
of  womanhood. 

Still,  the  poet's  picture  is  a  natural,  and  ought 
to  be  a  true  one.  The  young  girl,  who  has  passed 
an  innocent  and  happy  childhood,  wakes  to  the  con- 
sciousness that  she  is  a  woman,  and  should  feel  timid 
and  almost  terrified  at  the  thought  that  she  has  passed 
the  boundary,  and  a  woman's  life,  with  its  unknown 
freight  of  cares  and  pains,  lies  before  her. 

Few,  however,  think  at  all  upon  the  subject.  They 
have  been  educated  with  the  idea  of  outstripping,  out- 


MAIDENHOOD.  \\ 

shining,  or  outdoing  somebody,  and  the  idea  of  being 
left  behind  in  the  matrimonial  chase  is  too  dreadful  to 
think  of. 

Moreover,  with  most,  getting  married  is  put  down 
as  a  financial  necessity.  They  have  no  other  way  of 
getting  a  living,  except  the  vulgar  one  of  directly 
earning  it,  and  that  is  out  of  the  question. 

There  was  a  time  when  maidens  experienced,  and 
even  cherished,  illusions  in  regard  to  their  future 
husbands  and  matrimony  ;  but,  strange  to  say,  rose- 
colored  though  their  dreams  confessedly  were,  they 
seemed  less  anxious  to  realize  them  than  modern 
young  ladies,  whose  dreams  are  not  rose-colored  or 
illusory  at  all,  but  based  upon  a  wide  observation  and 
the  experience  of  their  married  lady  friends,  who  are 
generally  full  of  warnings,  and  not  at  all  chaiy  of 
either  information  or  advice. 

To  be  sure,  every  young  lady  has  confidence  in  her 
own  sagacity,  and  fully  intends  to  avoid  the  rocks  upon 
which  her  friends  have  split.  Her  faith,  however, 
rests  less  upon  illusions  than  upon  her  confidence  in 
herself,  and  her  assurance  of  her  own  attractions  and 
unerring  tact  and  judgment. 

How  can  she  have  illusions,  when  existence,  its 
shams,  its  pretences,  its  poverty  of  purpose,  its  reality 
of  weariness,  has  been  daily  before  her  ?  How  can  she 
help  looking  upon  money  as  the  chief  good,  and  any 
means  as  lawful  for  its  acquisition,  when  every  ill  that 
flesh  is  heir  to  is  set  down  to  the  want  of  it,  and  its 


12  FOR  BETTER    OR    WORSE. 

absence  groaned  over  as  the  lack  of  the  one  thing 
needful  to  earthly  happiness  ? 

We  say  that  girls  have  no  illusions,  but  it  is  not 
true.  Their  illusions  are,  perhaps,  as  strong  as  ever, 
but  they  take  a  hard  and  practical,  instead  of  senti- 
mental, form.  They  imagine  that  there  is  no  happi- 
ness without  money ;  that  love  is  a  myth  of  the  poet's 
brain,  or  rather  a  disease  of  the  imagination  —  real 
while  it  lasts,  but  soon  over,  and  at  best  dependent  on 
the  comfortable  possession  of  an  abundance  of  this 
world's  goods  for  its  continuance  and  security. 

Instead  of  imagining  any  single  male  individual  the 
pink  of  perfection,  and  the  embodiment  of  all  the 
virtues,  as  young  women  are  popularly  supposed  to 
do,  thoy  are  very  apt  to  believe,  as  they  have  been 
told,  that  men  are  all  alike,  selfish,  unreasonable,  and 
tyrannical,  and  that  a  woman's  business  is  not  to  love 
them,  but  to  learn  how  to  manage  them. 

Marrying  with  these  ideas,  which  are  bom  of  the 
practical  theories  and  money-getting  spirit  of  the 
age  in  which  we  live,  women  sometimes  find  them- 
selves surprised  by  a  poetical  beauty  in  existence  of 
which  they  had  never  dreamed.  They  had  actually 
acknowledged  themselves  selfish,  and  accepted  life 
and  its  aims  as  mercenary  and  ignoble,  and  they  wake 
to  a  consciousness  of  something  better  and  higher. 
Their  romance  comes  after  marriage ;  and  the  poor  man 
who  had  put  his  hand  in  the  matrimonial  bag  at  a 
venture,  finds,  to  his  astonishment,  that  he  has  drawn 


MAIDENHOOD.  13 

a  prize,  and  that  the  modern  sensible  young  lady, 
who  talked  business  and  laughed  at  love  in  a  cottage, 
is  as  simply  credulous  and  loving,  as  capable  of  exer- 
cising every  womanly  virtue,  as  the  unsophisticated 
creation  of  any  poet's  brain. 

A  German  writer  has  said  that  it  is  extremely  for- 
tunate the  world  was  so  made  that  no  amount  of  blun- 
dering on  our  part  could  permanently  or  seriously 
affect  it.  It  is  so  with  men  and  women.  We  talk  of 
circumstances,  habits,  and  theories  changing  them, 
forgetting  that  human  nature  is  stronger  than  theories, 
breaks  through  circumstances,  and  survives  in  the 
young  woman  of  to-day,  in  spite  of  teachings  and 
warnings,  love  of  fashion,  and  fondness  for  display. 

Maidenhood,  that  threshold  upon  which  the  young 
girl  lingers  before  entering  the  portals  of  wifehood 
and  motherhood,  ought  to  be  a  period  of  great  enjoy- 
ment, not  only  to  the  daughter  who  has  just  emerged 
from  the  school-room,  but  to  her  parents  and  family. 
Her  freshness,  her  helpfulness,  her  kindness,  her  ac- 
tivity, her  varied  accomplishments,  ought  to  be  a 
perpetual  source  of  pleasure  at  home,  and  it  is  here 
where  her  duties  and  occupations  should  be  found. 

.  Society  may  be  indulged  .in  to  a  certain  extent,  as 
a  source  of  personal  gratification  and  polite  acquire- 
ment, but  it  has  no  claims  paramount  to  those  estab- 
lished by  nature,  and  cemented  by  the  performance  of 
parental  obligations.  Up  to  this  time  no  return  has 
been  possible  for  the  years  of  thought,  care,  anxiety, 


14  FOR  BETTER  OR   WORSE. 

and  patient  waiting.  Now,  it  is  compensation  more 
than  enough  to  receive  a  child,  grown  into  a  woman, 
beautiful  with  all  the  charms  of  youth  and  health, 
glad  and  happy  in  the  mere  possession  of  existence, 
and  grateful  for  the  conditions  which  make  life  so  full 
to  her  of  pleasure  and  promise. 

In  England,  where  young  women  rarely  marry  be- 
fore they  are  twenty-one  or  twenty-two  years  old,  the 
period  between  leaving  school  and  becoming  wives  is 
occupied  partly  by  social  gayeties,  but  principally  in 
acquiring  household  information  and  practice. 

To  the  grown-up  daughters  are  frequently  intrusted 
the  keys  of  the  store-room,  the  distribution  of  supplies, 
the  making  of  desserts,  the  care  of  the  parlors,  and 
the  general  superintendence  of  the  table.  It  is  the 
grown-up  daughter  who  rises  in  the  morning  to  see 
that  breakfast  is  properly  prepared,  who  arranges  the 
bouquet  of  flowers  upon  the  mantel-piece,  who  sweeps 
up  the  last  vestige  of  cinders  or  ashes  from  the  grate, 
who  places  the  morning's  paper  by  her  father's  plate, 
and  sees  that  her  mother  has  her  arm-chair  and  foot- 
stool. 

The  grown-up  daughter  also  embroiders  slippers, 
makes  neck-ties,  hemstitches  handkerchiefs,  crochets 
edgings,  puts  upon  her  own  clothing  quantities  of 
dainty  ruffling  and  tucking,  and  makes  of  her  nest  of 
a  room  a  small  bower  of  beauty. 

Is  not  this  better,  maidens  of  America,  than  prome- 
nading all  day  and  dancing  all  night  ?     Is  it  not  bet- 


MAIDENHOOD.  15 

ter  than  rising  pale  and  slipshod  at  ten  o'clock  in  the 
morning,  and  dozing  the  sunshine  away  in  a  rocking- 
chair,  or  upon  the  lounge,  while  "  mamma  "  and  the 
dressmaker  make  or  alter  a  dress  for  the  next  evening's 
party  ? 

Is  it  not  better  than  running  a  constant  chase  after 
pleasure,  to  the  neglect  of  every  duty,  and  finding  it, 
after  all,  stale,  flat,  and  unprofitable  ? 

0,  girls,  young  sisters,  this  brief  hour,  which  you 
wish  at  an  end,  is  the  most  precious  of  your  lives  ! 
Spend  it  so  that  you  will  love  to  look  back  upon  it. 
Cherish  your  mother  before  you  leave  her,  make  happy 
your  father  who  has  done  so  much  for  you,  be  the 
sunlight  of  a  home  which  your  absence  will  darken, 
and  be  thankful  for  an  opportunity  to  perfect  yourself 
in  the  sweet  household  ways  and  womanly  graces 
which  exalt  the  maiden,  and  crown  the  wife  in  the 
eyes  of  her  husband.  So  shall  your  maidenhood  be 
the  promise  of  a  beautiful  and  happy  motherhood  —  a 
motherhood  which  would  bless  and  save  the  world. 


16  FOR  BETTER   OR    WORSE. 


CHAPTER    II. 

WHAT  EDUCATION  DOES  FOR  GIRLS. 

The  habits  and  education  of  American  girls  are 
simply  destructive  to  their  future  as  wives  and  moth- 
ers, and  quite  as  great  a  barrier  to  success  in  an  inde- 
pendent career.  There  are  no  women  in  the  world 
from  whom  so  much  is  expected,  or  who  try  to  com- 
pass so  much  in  one  little  life,  as  American  women. 
They  must  shine  equally  in  the  parlor  and  in  the 
kitchen  ;  they  must  be  indefatigable  as  baby-tenders ; 
prudent  and  lynx-eyed  as  housekeepers ;  they  must 
be  ten  Bridgets  rolled  into  one  while  their  liusbands 
are  poor  ;  they  must  be  able  to  entertain  princes,  and 
appear  as  the  most  brilliant  and  accomplished  of 
women  when  he  becomes  rich  ;  they  must  be  the  tra- 
ditional ivy,  trusting,  tender,  confiding,  gentle,  and 
passive  while  he  is  speculating  away  the  future,  —  and 
the  oak,  when,  as  so  often  happens,  he  sinks  under 
the  pressure  of  his  reverses.  And,  incredible  as  it 
may  seem,  there  are  some  women  who  are  all  of  these, 
and  many  more  who  make  the  attempt,  and  die  like 
the  old  martyrs,  though  without  the  martyr's  honor. 


EDUCATION  FOR    GIRLS.  17 

To  fulfil  her  destiny,  tlicreforo,  the  American  girl  re- 
quires a  sound  constitution  to  start  with,  and  an 
almost  perfect  physical  training.  Her  studies  should 
be  judiciously  blended  with  that  activity  which  is  es- 
sential to  the  development  of  her  body.  Her  scholas- 
tic discipline  ought  not  to  take  her  entirely  away  from 
home,  for  it  is  in  a  well-ordered  home  alone  that  the 
habits  are  formed  which  influence  her  future  life,  while 
her  assistance  should  not  only  be  valuable  to  the 
mother,  but  serve  as  the  introduction  to  a  very  prac- 
tical and  essential  part  of  her  education. 

The  text-book  system,  which  monopolizes  the  best 
years  of  every  young  girl's  life,  and  expends  them  in 
cramming  her  with  words  which  are  forgotten  almost 
as  soon  as  spoken,  is  not  only  useless,  but  wasteful 
and  injurious.  Excepting  in  cases  where  special 
training  is  necessary  for  some  particular  pursuit,  the 
education  should  be  as  general  as  a  woman's  life  and 
duty,  and  the  home  life  recognized  as  forming  an  im- 
portant part  of  it.  Boarding-schools  for  girls  have 
long  been  considered  by  thoughtful  men  and  women 
as  an  almost  unmixed  evil,  nor  are  the  women's  col- 
leges by  any  means  an  unmixed  good.  Any  system 
which  isolates  a  girl  from  family  life,  shuts  her  up 
with  girls  only,  at  an  age  when  the  imagination  i8 
easily  excited,  feelings  quickly  wrought  upon,  and  the 
entire  emotional  nature  of  the  woman  liable  to  morbid 
and  exaggerated  expression,  does  her  a  cruel  wrong, 
and  the  result  is  the  hybrid  creature  that  we  see,  selfish 
2 


18  FOR  BETTER    OR    WORSE. 

and  appropriative,  absorbed  in  her  own  plans  and  ideas, 
which  she  considers  new,  because  they  come  fresh  to 
her,  and  great,  because  she  has  had  nothing  adequate 
to  measure  them  by. 

This  production  of  the  schools  goes  to  the  home 
which  has  made  years  of  sacrifices  to  give  her  the 
advantages  it  is  supposed  she  has  received  —  goes, 
filled  with  her  own  vanity  and  conceit,  and  feeling 
herself  an  inhabitant  of  an  altogether  better  and  loftier 
world  than  the  one  which  her  father  and  mother  in- 
habit, and,  by  virtue  of  her  assumed  superiority,  she 
is  allowed  to  become  useless  and  worthless.  She  has 
many  grand  intentions,  but  as  they  all  involve  a  sub- 
stratum of  real  hard  work  and  self-denial,  they  fall 
through,  and  she  is  kept  like  a  piece  of  china,  for 
show  on  great  occasions,  until  some  man  is  deluded 
into  marrying  her. 

She  is  spoken  of  as  being  educated  and  accom- 
plished, when,  in  reality,  she  has  neither  a  sound 
mind  nor  healthy  body.  She  has  no  conception  of 
duty  in  life,  except  that  of  making  it  as  easy  and 
pleasant  to  herself  as  possible.  As- a  married  woman, 
she  does  not  want  children,  because  it  will  interfere 
with  her  freedom,  and  because  she  considers  taking 
care  of  them  an  inglorious  occupation,  —  good  enough 
for  those  who  have  no  aspirations  beyond  it,  but  en- 
tirely unfitted  to  her.  Her  school  education  has  not 
taught  her  any  duty  as  wife  and  mother  ;  it  has  not 
even  shown  her  the  penalty  affixed  to  transgression 


EDUCATION  FOR    GIRLS.  19 

and  evasion  of  natural  law ;  it  has  never  suggested 
to  her  that  she  cannot  go  on  indulging  her  selfishness 
forever  without  her  sin  finding  her  out. 

The  woman  regulates  the  dress,  the  food,  the  social 
life  of  the  world  —  they  are  the  principal  things  with 
which  she  has  to  do  ;  yet  technical  education,  even 
yet,  hardly  touches  them,  and  has  no  fixed  or  scien- 
tific basis  of  thought  upon  which  to  guide  its  action 
in  regard  to  them.  The  best  educated  girls,  so  called, 
violate  the  rules  of  health  and  good  taste  both  in 
their  dressing  and  eating,  the  same  as  the  most  igno- 
rant, because  thoi-ough,  sound,  scientific  instruction 
upon  these  points  is  not  made  part  of  a  technical 
education. 

It  is  said  that  women  ought  to  receive  the  same  edu- 
cation as  men.  In  only  one  sense  is  this  true,  and 
that  is  thoroughness.  Women  are  rarely  taught  any- 
thing so  that  they  know  it  —  so  that  it  becomes  a 
part  of  themselves,  which  is  the  only  way  in  which 
knowledge  can  be  made  useful  or  available. 

The  lives  of  women  are  and  must  be  different  from 
those  of  men,  and  they  require,  after  the  first  rudi- 
mentary instruction,  a  different  kind  of  knowledge. 
They  ought  to  be  instructed  in  the  chemical  compo- 
sition of  food,  and  the  physiological  reasons  for  cloth- 
ing. The  whole  arcana  of  limng  should  be  opened  to 
them,  —  all  that  can  be  known  of  herbs,  and  fruits, 
and  spices,  and  flowers,  should  be  theirs.  Botany 
should  be  studied  with  reference  to  its  uses,  as  well 


20  FOR  BETTER   OR    WORSE. 

as  the  mere  acquisition  of  its  technical  nomenclature. 
Every  woman  ought  to  be  her  own  and  her  family 
physician,  and  might  be  easily,  if  she  understood,  to 
begin  with,  her  own  physical  condition  and  require- 
ments;  because  sickness  would  be  almost  unknown, 
and  a  knowledge  of  alleviating  simples,  and  right 
preparation  of  correct  articles  of  food,  would  be  suffi- 
cient, in  the  majority  of  cases,  to  restore  a  healthful 
equilibrium. 

To  a  certain  extent  the  supremacy  of  a  woman  in 
social  life  is  acknowledged,  and  the  necessity  of  an 
acquaintance  with  its  duties  and  obligations  admitted 
in  fashionable  schools.  But  how  is  it  taught  ?  and 
what  are  its  duties  supposed  to  be  1 

Why,  first,  how  to  bow  gracefully,  and  how  to  enter 
a  room  without  embarrassment.  Secondly,  how  to 
talk  without  saying  anything,  and  how  to  so  modulate 
voice  and  manner  as  never  to  exhibit  the  smallest 
trace  of  feeling.  Third,  to  respect  and  weave  together 
in  the  social  life  only  those  material  elements  which 
are  of  the  least  value,  and  accept  the  evidences  of 
wealth  as  deserving  the  highest  attention  and  con- 
sideration. 

Now,  we  do  not  mean  to  say  that  these  ideas  have 
no  claim  to  respect,  but  they  ought  not  to  be  taught 
as  the  essentials,  the  groundwork,  of  our  social  life. 

Our  business  as  women  is  to  work  for  the  good  of 
others,  first  in  the  family,  secondly  in  society.  The 
first  social  question  with  women,  therefore,  should  be, 


EDUCATION  FOR    GIRLS.  21 

What  is,  or  will  be,  for  the  good  of  those  beyond  my 
family  circle,  whom  I  can  reach  ?  and,  second.  How 
can  I  express  it?  The  society  education  that  girls  get 
in  schools  teaches  them  to  cultivate  people  for  what 
they  can  get  out  of  them,  not  for  what  they  can  give 
to  them  —  to  dissimulate  and  politely  reciprocate,  but 
never  deal  truthfully,  and,  above  all,  not  forgivingly 
or  generously.  It  is  socially  proper  to  profess  friend- 
ship where  you  feel  dislike,  but  it  is  low  and  degrad- 
ing to  forgive  a  slight,  where  perhaps  none  was  in- 
tended, to  ask  an  explanation,  or  magnanimously  for- 
give a  wrong. 

Is  this  a  fitting  basis  for  the  social  life  over  which 
women  preside  ?  Is  it  not  of  a  piece  with  their  follies 
in  dress,  their  ignorance  and  avoidance  of  the  most 
vital  interests  that  belong  to  their  daily  life  ? 

Men  are  naturally  and  necessarily  ignorant  of  these 
questions ;  their  life  lies  outside  of  them,  and  they 
accept,  as  they  must,  the  woman's  interpretation  of 
them.  I  have  often  felt  sorry  for  the  helplessness  of 
men,  when  it  came  into  relations  with  the  ignorance 
of  women.  They  must  accept  the  version  of  social 
life  which  women  give  them,  just  as  they  must  some- 
times accept  a  dirty  and  untidy  house,  a  disorderly 
table,  ill-cooked  food,  and  shirts  rent,  or  hosiery 
unmended. 

It  is  easy  to  say  that  men  ought  to  be  taught  to 
help  themselves  ;  but  we  must  take  the  facts  as  they 
are,  and  these,  as  a  general  rule,  give  us  men  incapa- 


22  FOR  BETTER   OR    WORSE. 

citated  for  attention  to  social  and  personal  details,  by 
the  absorption  of  time  and  strength  in  other  direc- 
tions, just  as  women  are  rendered  incapable  of  out- 
door life  and  work,  except  in  isolated  instances,  by 
the  pressure  of  household  duties. 

The  consciousness  which  men  have  of  their  help- 
less social  and  domestic  condition  is  the  great  induce- 
ment, in  the  absence  of  more  perfect  self-knowledge, 
and  a  higher  sense  of  duty,  for  men  to  marry.  To 
become  an  integral  part  of  the  great  social  and  hu- 
man fabric  they  must  marry,  their  lives  must  be  in- 
terwoven with  the  life  around  them.  They  must  give 
back  to  the  tide  of  humanity  something  of  what  they 
have  received  from  it,  or  it  cannot  flow  on  and  con- 
tinue to  perform  its  appointed  work.  Women  are 
not,  as  some  of  them  seem  to  think,  simply  born  to 
be  taken  care  of ;  they  are  sharers,  helpmeets,  and 
co-laborers  of  men,  and  have  a  still  higher  responsi- 
bility vested  in  them,  that  of  vitally  influencing  and 
controlling  the  life  of  men.  Men  are  only  bound  to 
put  to  the  best  use  the  strength  and  power  given 
them  ;  women  can  make  that  power  greater  or  less, 
or  deprive  them  of  it  altogether,  by  neglect  or  culti- 
vation of  their  own  physical  and  mental  faculties. 

It  is  a  great  mistake  to  suppose  that  the  majority 
of  young  men  look  for  helplessness  in  a  wife  ;  they 
sometimes  take  it  in  their  admiration  of  a  sort  of 
beauty  which  may  accompany  it,  or  in  their  ignorance 
of  the  consequences  which  it  entails  upon  themselves 


EDUCATION  FOR    GIRLS.  23 

and  their  children.  But  the  majority  certainly  do  not 
prefer  it.  On  the  contrary,  they  look  for  wives  who 
combine  the  most  opposite  qualifications  and  attrac- 
tions, and,  as  a  rule  with  persons  who  want  everything, 
they  sometimes  got  nothing,  or  worse  than  nothing. 

What  they  do  want,  however,  whether  they  recog- 
nize it  or  not,  is  a  supplement  to  themselves,  to  ren- 
der their  work  finished  and  complete  ;  and  if  they 
.  found  in  young  women  truth,  earnestness  of  purpose, 
forgetfulness  of  self,  and  general  recognition  of  duty, 
it  would  elevate  their  own  ideas,  and  bring  them  up 
to  the  standard  of  a  true  and  noble  manhood. 

But,  instead  of  this,  what  do  they  find  ?  System- 
atic deceit  and  dissimulation,  absorption  in  themselves, 
a  craving  for  universal  admiration,  an  entire  neglect 
of  duty,  an  unhealthy  love  of  pleasure,  an  utter  ig- 
norance of  what  constitutes  true  happiness,  and  a 
willingness  to  grasp  at  anything  which  promises  im- 
munity from  the  labor  and  responsibilities  of  ordinary 
life.  Instead  of  the  health  and  vigor  natural  to  the 
young,  they  find  only  the  semblance  of  these  quali- 
ties, and  behind  it,  broken  constitutions  and  inability, 
as  well  as  unwillingness  to  perform  the  functions  of 
wife  and  mother.  Fifty  years  ago  the  bodily  weak- 
ness now  common  among  young  girls  was  unknown, 
except  in  rare  instances  among  married  women  who 
had  borne  many  children.  The  fact  as  it  exists  now 
ought  to  be  the  subject  of  serious  attention  and  in- 
vestigation, for,  until  this  diflSculty  is  overcome,  pres- 


24  FOR  BETTER    OR    WORSE. 

ent  and  future  must  be  dwarfed  and  defrauded  of 
moral  and  intellectual  as  well  as  vital  force. 

The  indulgence  of  appetite,  the  passion  for  dress 
and  display,  the  sacrifice  of  every  truthful  and  wo- 
manly consideration  at  the  shrine  of  fashion,  now 
common  among  American  girls  of  every  degree,  is 
full  of  the  saddest  auguries  for  the  future.  We  can 
have  no  mothers  until  we  have  women  who  prize  their 
womanhood  beyond  false  hair,  chalked  complexions, 
painted  eyebrows,  white  hands,  and  stunted  feet.  We 
can  have  neither  wives  nor  mothers  until  we  have  wo- 
men who  think  more  of  truth,  honor,  sincerity,  and 
the  purity  of  an  untainted  life,  than  of  jewels  and 
laces,  fine  houses,  and  personal  beauty  made  up  of 
disgraceful  shams.  More  than  this,  we  can  have  no 
manhood  worth  the  name  until  we  first  have  a  true 
and  pure  womanhood,  capable  of  living  its  own  life, 
and  setting  itself  against  the  vices  and  weaknesses 
common  to  the  age. 

It  is  our  social  life  which  forms  the  heart  of  hu- 
manity, and  its  healtliy  or  unhealthy  condition  deter- 
mines the  state  of  the  rest  of  the  system.  The  grow- 
ing tendency  to  selfish  indulgence  of  all  kinds  is  de- 
praving us  morally  and  pliysically.  The  breaking  up 
of  homes,  the  substitution  of  boarding-house  and  res- 
taurant life,  public  corruption,  and  want  of  public 
integrity,  are  all  evidences  of  it. 

Women  can  stem  this  tide  of  national  iniquity  ; 
they  can  preserve  in  our  country  those  elements  of 


EDUCATION  FOR    GIRLS.  25 

faith,  honor,  devotion,  personal  purity,  and  love  of 
truth,  which  founded  and  made  it  what  it  has  been. 
Will  they  not  do  it  ?  Or  must  it  fulfil  the  destiny  of 
other  nations  —  rise  to  greatness,  and  sink  to  decay 
in  the  abyss  created  by  its  own  rottenness  ?  The 
young  women  who  read  this  shall  answer. 


26  FOR  BETTER    OR    WORSE. 


CHAPTER   III. 

BOY   AND   GIRL   LOVE. 

There  is  a  critical  period  in  the  lives  of  nearly  all 
men  and  women,  which,  if  they  outgrow,  leaves  them, 
for  a  time,  possibly  a  little  sadder,  but  generally 
wiser,  and  with  a  much  better  prospect  for  permanent 
happiness  than  if  their  early  dreams  had  been  realized. 

From  fifteen  to  twenty  may  be  taken  as  the  average 
time  for  this  singular,  sentimental,  and  sympathetic 
development ;  but,  of  course,  it  may  commence  ear- 
lier or  later,  according  to  climate,  conditions,  and  cir- 
cumstances. 

I  call  it  singular  ;  yet,  in  reality,  there  is  nothing 
peculiar,  unnatural,  or  unworthy  in  this  evidence  of 
opening  manhood  or  womanhood,  except  the  illusions 
and  absurdities  with  which  idle  imaginations  have  in- 
vested it ;  and  if  the  hearts  and  lives  of  *nen  and 
women  wore  honest  and  true,  and  pure  and  natural, 
there  could  be  nothing  dangerous  in  a  sentiment  which 
lies  at  the  foundation,  and  serves  as  the  inspiration, 
of  the  best  emotions  of  the  human  heart  —  the  wor- 
thiest acts  of  human  life. 


BOr  AND    GIRL  LOVE.  21 

There  is,  undoubtedly,  an  influence,  refining  and 
educational,  in  the  first  affection  which  the  girl  or  boy 
experiences  for  the  opposite  sex.  For  the  time  being 
it  is  so  real,  so  absorbing,  that  it  changes  the  aspect 
of  the  whole  world,  even  to  the  outward  senses.  The 
sky  is  clearer,  the  sunshine  warmer,  the  grass  green- 
er, the  flowers  more  brilliant  in  hue,  the  very  atmos- 
phere purer  and  more  tender  in  its  unfolding. 

All  this  is. natural ;  and  though,  contrary  to  novel- 
ists and  story-Vi^riters,  it  rarely  finds  its  consummation 
in  a  happy  marriage,  yet  it  passes  away  without  in- 
flicting any  deadly  injury,  and  leaves  no  bitterness 
behind. 

There  are  cases  where  the  first  inclination  of  a  boy 
or  girl  becomes  the  lasting  attachment  of  the  man 
and  woman  ;  but  such  instances  are  so  exceptional, 
that  one  may  search  nicmor}'^  and  the  experience  of 
friends  in  vain  to  find  one,  while  the  list  of  those  who 
look  back  on  the  "  mistake  "  they  made,  or  barely 
escaped  making,  can  be  filled  at  a  glance. 

The  danger  of  early  "  falling  in  love  "  lies  in  im- 
maturity, and  the  extravagant  laudation  of  a  passion, 
which  is  generally  as  short-lived  as  it  is  baseless  and 
unreal,  by  poets  and  imaginative  persons,  who  ha»e 
created  much  genuine  unhappiness  by  exaggerating 
fancied  miseries. 

In  nine  cases  out  of  ten  —  it  might  as  well  be  said 
in  ninety-nine  cases  out  of  a  hundred  —  first  love  is 
no  love  at  all.     It  is  simply  the  attraction  which  is 


28  FOR  BETTER   OR    WORSE. 

felt  by  dawning  manhood  and  womanhood  for  the 
other  sex,  developed  in  a  given  direction  by  acquaint- 
ance, proximity,  or  the  accidents  of  social  life. 
Taste,  intellect,  reason,  and  judgment  have  hardly 
yet  asserted  themselves,  and,  at  any  rate,  exercise  no 
controlling  influence  over  the  imagination.  The  first 
great  desire  and  object  of  the  young  existence  is  to  be 
happy  ;  and  companionship,  with  that  one  object,  is 
deemed  the  single  essential  to  that  happiness. 

At  this  stage  they  scout  the  very  idea  of  reason 
and  duty  ;  consider  it  cold-blooded  and  cruel  to  talk 
of  anything  wliich  involves  attention  to  the  ordinary 
business  of  life  ;  and  wish,  almost  to  expectancy,  that 
some  sympathetic  prince  or  fairy  would  carry  them 
away  from  the  obstacles  and  difficulties  of  the  heart- 
less world,  and  set  them  down  in  that  cottage  in  Ar- 
cadia which  pays  no  rent  or  taxes,  and  which  has 
been  inhabited  by  lovers  from  time  immemorial. 

The  god  of  love  is  always  represented  as  blind ; 
and,  as  a  boy  god,  shooting  his  arrows  at  random 
among  boys  and  girls,  lie  certainly  should  be.  Young 
love  sees  nothing,  knows  nothing,  is  interested  in 
nothing  but  itself  and  its  own  desires  ;  and  this  fact 
alone  is  sufficient  evidence  of  its  want  of  truth  and 
reality. 

Moreover,  this  blindness  is  responsible  for  the 
wretched  consequences  of  immature  passion  —  for  the 
ill-assorted  unions,  the  half-born,  imbecile  children,  the 
poverty,  the  loathing,  the  weariness  of  life,  which  are 
the  natural  results  of  early  weakness  and  folly. 


BOr  AND    GIRL  LOVE.  29 

It  is  hard  to  make  girls  believe  that  they  will  ever 
thank  God  on  their  knees  for  saving  them  from  a  mar- 
riage, upon  which,  at  the  time,  all  their  hopes  and  all 
their  interest  in  life  seems  to  depend  ;  and  yet  it  has 
happened  in  many  thousands  of  cases,  and  will  in 
many  thousands  more,  before  men  and  women  learn 
to  treat  this  sentiment  gently,  restrain  it  wisely,  and 
make  use  of  it,  as  it  was  intended,  to  develop  in 
young  manhood  and  womanhood  that  grace  and  aspi- 
ration which  comes  only  with  the  experience  and  ed- 
ucation of  the  heart. 

But  there  is  a  modern  and  very  general  phase  of 
boy  and  girl  flirtation,  sometimes  dignified  with  the 
name  of  love,  which  possesses  hardly  the  thin  veil  of 
sentiment  to  disguise  its  coarseness,  and  to  which  I 
turn  with  actual  distaste  and  reluctance. 

The  white-robed  divinity  of  seventeen,  beautiful, 
wise,  innocent,  yet  wholly  unconscious  of  her  attrac- 
tions, whom  we  have  all  known  from  childhood,  is 
now  pretty  well  understood  to  be  a  fiction  of  the  im- 
agination. Yet  there  should  be  still  the  link  of  a 
girlhood,  charming  in  its  freshness,  its  enthusiasm,  its 
sweetness,  its  purity,  between  the  child  and  the  wo- 
man ;  and  the  modern  girl,  who,  with  paints,  and 
pads,  and  false  hair,  and  Grecian  bends,  deforms  her 
body,  and  with  lies,  affectations,  and  slavish  depend- 
ence, dwarfs  her  soul,  destroys  this  ideal,  and  puts  in 
its  place  a  thing  of  shreds  and  patches,  a  libel  upon 
all  girlhood  and  womanhood,  a  something  which  only 
serves  for  men  to  hang  gibes  and  sneers  upon. 


30  FOR  BETTER    OR    WORSE. 

For  a  bit  of  magnesia  and  millinery  even  boys  can 
feel  no  honest  respect,  and  so  their  very  admiration 
becomes  impertinence,  and  they  learn  to  despise  the 
girl  before  they  are  capable  of  loving  the  woman. 
The  majority  of  boys  are  suflBciently  vain,  and  ignorant, 
and  shallow,  but  they  are  saved,  at  least,  from  much 
of  the  petty  trickery  and  deceit  of  girls  by  the  im- 
perative requirements  of  active  business  life.  They 
are  expected  to  be  useful,  and  their  dress  and  habits 
must  conform  to  this  necessity.  Short  hair,  simple, 
uniform  dress,  and  work,  ennobles  them  to  a  certain 
extent,  and  brings  them  into  more  healthful  relations 
with  themselves  and  others. 

Girls,  on  the  contrary,  are  expected  to  be  idle. 
There  is  nothing  for  them  to  do.  There  are  the  ser- 
vants to  do  the  housework,  and  mother  to  superintend, 
and  papa  to  provide  the  means,  and  their  business  is 
to  get  married.  If  they  were  ever  so  industrious,  — 
and  girls  are  naturally  industrious,  —  there  is  literally 
nothing  that  they  are  allowed  to  do  which  oifers  the 
slightest  motive  to  exertion,  except  dressing  and 
changing  the  fashion  of  their  clothes.  Idle  young 
men  resort  to  gambling,  horse-racing,  and  other  dis- 
reputable methods  of  killing  time.  What  can  idle 
young  women  do  ? 

It  follows  that  the  attentions  of  men  afford  the  only 
change  from  the  monotony  of  their  objectless  lives, 
and  they  spend  their  time  in  dressing,  and  making 
themselves  attractive,  to  secure  these. 


BOr  AND    GIRL  LOVE.  31 

At  the  age  when  girls  first  begin  to  realize  their 
existence  as  women,  useful,  active  employment  is 
most  necessary.  Nor  is  it  work  alone  that  is  re- 
quired, but  work  with  an  object,  a  motive  that  will 
prove  an  incentive  to  exertion,  prevent  sentiment 
from  becoming  morbid,  and  weakness  from  degener- 
ating into  causes  of  life-long  suffering  and  remorse. 
The  idleness  of  girls  is  undoubtedly  one  of  the  causes 
of  depravity  in  boys.  Having  no  pursuits  in  com- 
mon but  those  of  recreation  and  pleasure,  girls  sim- 
ply act  as  tempters  from  the  serious  business  of  life, 
and  fail  altogether  to'use  the  influence  they  possess 
to  stimulate  boys  to  higher  aims,  to  more  perfect 
ideas  of  manhood. 

The  best  finish  to  an  education  that  a  young  man 
could  find  would  be  a  companionship  with  an  intelli- 
gent, pure-minded,  aspiring  girl,  who  possessed*  the 
power  and  the  will  to  work  out  the  problem  of  life 
for  herself,  and  was  capable  of  infusing  into  another 
soul  the  fire  that  kindles  her  own.  But  it  is  so  rare 
that  young  men  find  such  companionship  among  girls, 
that  they  do  not  think  of  seeking  for  it.  If  they  are 
in  earnest,  if  they  have  a  great  object,  a  serious  pur- 
suit, they  seek  sympathy,  if  at  all,  among  their  own 
sex,  and  leave  girls  to  the  society  of  those  who  are 
interested  in  ties,  in  picnics,  in  calls,  in  spending  two 
weeks  at  Saratoga,  in  ball-room  flirtations  and  vanilla 
ice-creams,  to  the  exclusion  of  such  a  question  as« 
How  can  I  attain  a  more  perfect  manhood  ? 


32  FOR  BETTER   OR    WORSE. 

Girls  and  boys  ought  not  to  marry,  and  fortunately, 
it  is  very  seldom  they  do  ;  but  the  idle  sentimental- 
ism  or  familiarity,  which  the  boy  remembers  only  with 
a  sneer  when  he  becomes  the  active  energetic  man, 
leaves  its  ineflfaceable  marks  upon  the  heart  and  mind 
of  the  idle,  purposeless  girl.  The  first  love,  which 
had  a  little  genuine  entlmsiasm  in  it,  is  succeeded  by 
flirtation,  for  the  sake  of  rivalry  ;  and  that,  by  deter- 
mined efforts,  in  which  the  heart  has  no  part,  to  sim- 
ply capture  a  husband. 

The  experience  which  God  provided,  as  the  beauti- 
ful dawn  to  a  golden  day,  has  been  perverted  or  lost 
sight  of.  The  boy  brought  no  strength  or  aspiration 
to  the  shrine  at  which  he  worshipped  ;  the  girl  no 
higher  ideals  of  life,  no  more  truth,  honor,  or  fidelity, 
no  more  knowledge  of  the  facts  and  principles  which 
govern  human  existence  and  multiply  the  power  of 
human  enjoyment.  The  man  expects  from  the  wo- 
man a  purer  morality  than  he  finds  in  the  world  about 
him  ;  the  boy  looks  upon  the  girl  as  a  being  cast  in  a 
finer  mould  than  himself,  and  unconsciously  demands 
from  her  resistance  to  the  very  snares  that  he  sets 
for  her. 

I  have  no  desire  to  rob  girls  of  their  sunshine.  I 
wish  only  to  make  it  perpetual.  I  would  not  have 
them  less  merry  or  less  light-hearted.  I  would -only 
have  them  use  their  youth,  their  beauty,  their  social 
freedom,  in  such  a  way  as  to  leave  no  sting  —  no  re- 
gret behind. 


BOr  AND    GIRL   LOVE.  33 

Boy  and  girl  love  is  one  of  the  experiences  which 
assists  the  growth  of  the  man  and  woman,  and  may- 
be the  prelude  to  the  beautiful  harmony  of  two  united 
lives  ;  but  the  future  man  and  woman  must  not  be 
sacrificed  to  it  —  must  not  be  compelled  to  carry  for- 
ever the  bitter  remembrance  of  early  folly. 
3 


34  FOR  BETTER   OR    WORSE. 


CHAPTER  IV. 

QUALIFICATIONS   FOR   MARRIAGE. 

Marriage  is  undoubtedly  the  most  important  act 
of  our  lives,  to  men  as  well  as  women  ;  and  this,  not 
because  affection  is  the  "  whole  existence,"  in  the 
sense  in  which  the  poet  meant  it,  of  either  one  or  the 
other,  but  because  the  consequences  are  far-reaching  ; 
because  it  not  only  affects  powerfully  our  own  char- 
acters and  destiny,  but  calls  into  existence  other  indi- 
vidualities, and  through  them  operates  upon  mankind 
at  large  for  good  or  for  evil. 

The  question  of  marriage  is  not  one,  therefore,  that 
we  can  consider  solely  with  reference  to  ourselves  ;  the 
community  is  interested  in  it,  humanity  is  interested  ; 
for,  while  the  latter  derives  its  strength  from  the  good 
and  strong,  it  is  chargeable  with  the  burdens  laid 
upon  it  by  the  wicked  and  the  weak,  and  is  held  re- 
sponsible for  the  imbecility  and  wretchedness  created 
by  hasty  and  ill-considered  unions,  whose  results  are 
never  thought  of  by  the  parties  concerned.  More- 
over, marriage  is,  at  least  nominally,  for  life,  and 
therefore  requires  qualities  that  will  grow  better  with 


QUALIFICATIONS  FOR  MARRIAGE.         35 

age  and  use,  that  can  stand  the  friction  and  hard  usage 
to  which  circumstances  are  certain  to  subject  them. 
One  can  endure  ignorance,  or  silliness,  or  stupidity,  or 
bad  temper,  or  fault-finding,  or  assumption,  or  conceit, 
for  a  day  ;  but  who  would  want  to  live  with  them  for 
all  time  ? 

If  we  were  choosing  a  house  for  a  permanent  home, 
we  should  be  careful  of  its  location,  of  its  surround- 
ings, of  the  manner  in  which  it  was  built,  and  of  its 
future  as  a  good  and  improving  piece  of  property. 
Why  should  we  not  be  still  more  careful  in  estimating 
qualities  upon  which  depend,  not  only  our  own  chances 
for  happiness,  but  the  future  of  the  state,  the  credit 
or  the  shame  of  whole  communities,  and  even  the 
public  at  large  ? 

But  the  advocates  of  easy  divorce  say,  ''Why 
should  marriage  be  '  for  life  '  ?  It  is  a  matter  in  which 
the  individuals  themselves  are  at  least  principally  con- 
cerned, and  ought  to  depend  upon  their  own  will.  If 
they  find  tliat  their  happiness  depends  upon  the  sun- 
dering of  marriage  bonds,  and  the  formation  of  new 
ties,  no  law  should  stand  in  their  way.  Are  we  to  be 
compelled  to  abide  forever  by  the  consequences  of  a 
single  mistake  ?" 

If  our  individual  happiness,  sought  and  obtained  in 
our  own  way,  were  the  principal  object  of  existence, 
then  this  argument  would  be  sound  ;  but  it  is  not. 
We  are  sent  into  this  world,  environed,  as  was  shown 
in  a  preceding  chapter,   by   certain   conditions,  com- 


36  FOR  BETTER    OR    WORSE. 

pelled  to  act  in  accordance  with  certain  laws.  Mis- 
takes, even  when  made  through  ignorance,  entail  con- 
sequences which  we  cannot  evade,  but  which  we  must 
suffer,  and  our  chief  care  should  be  to  confine  such 
consequences  to  as  small  a  circle  as  possible,  and 
allow  as  few  of  the  evil  results  as  may  be  to  fall  upon 
innocent  and  unoffending  persons.  Our  business  in 
this  life  is  to  perform  duties,  and  accept  with  thank- 
fulness the  measure  of  happiness  that  comes  with 
them.  Doubtless  we  owe  duty  to  ourselves  as  well  as 
to  others,  but  it  is  best  performed  by  considering  it  in 
its  relation  to  others.  Marriage  is  an  institution 
whose  value  depends  upon  its  permanency.  A  mar- 
riage which  could  be  dissolved  at  will  would  be  no 
marriage  at  all ;  its  action  would  be  disintegrating ; 
it  would  corrupt  and  destroy  the  very  foundation  of 
human  society,  instead  of  offering  a  solid  basis  upon 
which  to  erect  the  social  superstructure.  It  would 
annihilate  the  home ;  it  would  deprive  children  of 
their  dearest  rights  in  mother's  love  and  father's  care  ; 
it  would  open  the  doors  to  domestic  profligacy,  treach- 
ery, dishonesty,  and  brutality  ;  it  would  take  away 
the  strongest  incentives  to  purity  and  uprightness  of 
conduct,  to  industry,  to  the  creation  and  perpetuation  of 
an  honorable  name,  and  to  all  those  virtues  and  ameni- 
ties which  wait  upon,  and  add  dignity  and  lustre  to 
the  social  character  of  the  individual. 

Every  one  has   felt  or  witnessed  the  evil  results  of 
a  wandering,  vagrant,  uncertain  life,  the  loss  through 


QUALIFICATIONS  FOR   MARRIAGE.         37 

it  of  all  sweet  household  associations  and  memories, 
the  acquisition  by  it  of  lawless  habits  and  tendencies, 
which  are  forever  at  war  with  the  order  which  must 
govern  society  in  its  corporate  capacity.  If  these 
are  the  results  of  the  absence  of  cohesive  power 
found  in  a  permanent  home,  what  must  be  the  conse- 
quences of  a  system  of  marriage  which  possesses  no 
cohesive  power  at  all,  except  the  uncertain  and  treach- 
erous one  of  "  personal  attraction  "  ?  There  are 
many  persons  who  think  this  the  only  and  sole  ground 
for  union,  and  who  assert  that,  when  this  ceases  to 
exist,  separation  should  take  place.  But  we  do  not 
always  know  when  it  has  really  ceased  to  exist ;  we 
are  acted  upon  by  diverse  influences,  which,  in  different 
states  of  body,  produce  diflferent  states  uf  mind,  dur- 
ing the  existence  of  which  the  higher  spiritual  and 
affectional  nature  of  men,  and  women  too,  is  partially 
or  entirely  obscured.  In  this  condition,  almost  every 
one  could  subscribe  to  the  words  of  the  poet,  "  Mau 
delights  me  not,  nor  woman  either."  Without  a 
mental  spectroscope  such  as  has  not  yet  been  discov- 
ered, how  are  we  to  distinguish  with  certainty  be- 
tween incipient  dyspepsia,  a  natural  infirmity  of  temper, 
and  a  diminution  of  personal  attraction. 

Undoubtedly  there  are  cases  of  such  exceptional 
enormity,  that  it  is  not  only  undesirable,  but  impossi- 
ble for  parties  to  remain  together.  There  are  others, 
where  it  is  clearly  discovered  that  a  mistake  has  been 
committed,  and  the  question  is  simply,  Shall  we  strive 


38  FOR  BETTER   OR    WORSE. 

to  undo  it,  or  abide  by  it,  and  make  the  best  of  it  ?  In 
ninety-nine  cases  out  of  a  hundred  we  should  say, 
decidedly,  the  latter.  The  reasons  are,  first,  because 
there  are  many  who  would  be  as  likely  to  make  a 
second  or  third  mistake  as  the  first ;  secondly,  because 
their  paramount  duty  is  to  others,  not  to  themselves ; 
third,  because  a  law  of  nature  is,  if  we  commit  a  fault, 
that  we  must  sufier  the  consequences,  and  it  is  our 
business  to  do  this  ourselves,  and,  as  far  as  possible, 
prevent  suffering  from  falling  on  innocent  persons. 

Moreover,  it  is  the  testimony  of  the  most  eminent 
lawyers  in  the  countr}',  that  differences  which  termi- 
nate even  in  appeals  for  divorce,  are  by  no  means  in- 
dicative of  hate,  or  even  permanent  indifference  on 
the  part  of  married  persons.  Out  of  fifty  divorces, 
it  is  stated,  at  least  forty-five  have  been,  or  endeav- 
ored to  be,  re-married,  and  the  other  five  were  proba- 
bly only  deterred  by  pride,  and  the  influence  of 
friends. 

It  will  be  seen,  therefore,  that  what  we  need,  to 
correct  some  of  the  evils  in  marriage,  is  not  liberty 
to  commit  the  same  error  a  second  time,  but  such 
qualifications  as  will  prevent  us  from  making  a  mis- 
take in  the  first  place  ;  or,  having  made  it,  do  the  best 
we  can  with  it  —  not  coward-like,  remove  our  burden 
to  the  shoulders  of  society. 

The  first  qualification  for  marriage  is  health.  This 
is  indispensable,  not  only  because  health  and  strength 
are  required,  and  should  be  brought  to  the  performance 


QUALIFICATIONS  FOR  MARRIAGE.         39 

of  new  duties,  but  because  it  is  a  positive  crime  to 
perpetuate  disease. 

The  second  qualification  is  self-reliance.  No  woman 
is  fit  to  be  a  wife  until  she  has  discovered  that  she 
can  take  care  of  herself;  a  mere  hanger-on  is  forced 
into  a  condition  of  dependence,  and  remains  there  ; 
she  is  not  the  companion  or  equal  of  any  man  — she 
cannot  fill  in  her  department  the  place  that  he  does  in 
his.  She  ought  not  to  be  a  mother,  because  she  can- 
not properly  rear,  or,  ii)  case  of  an  emergency,  provide 
for  her  children.  Moreover,  she  is  tempted  to  act  a 
falsehood,  and  marry  a  man  she  does  not  love,  by  the 
necessity  of  resorting  to  marriage  as  a  means  of  ob- 
taining a  livelihood. 

The  third  qualification  for  marriage  \s  judgment,  to 
discover  and  properly  estimate  those  qualities  and 
conditions  which  offer  the  surest  basis  for  happiness 
in  married  life. 

Poetry  and  romance  have  done  so  much  to  unsettle 
the  ideas  of  girls,  and  boys  too,  on  this  point,  that  it 
is  almost  impossible  to  make  them  believe  that  reason 
or  common-sense  can  or  should  be  exercised  in  regard 
to  it. 

"  1  know  not,  I  care  not,  if  guilt 's  in  that  heart, 
I  but  know  that  I  love  thee,  whatever  thou  art." 

This  poetical  fiction  of  Moore's,  and  kindred  rhapso- 
dies, have  done  more  to  corrupt  youthful  ideas,  and 
afford  an  excuse  for  wilful  disobedience,  and  the  in- 
dulgence of  morbid  sentiment,  than  any  direct  effort 
which  could  have  been  made  for  that  object. 


40  FOR  BETTER   OR    WORSE. 

Love,  according  to  poets  and  novelists,  is  a  plant 
of  such  eccehtric,  and  altogether  irresponsible  growth, 
as  renders  it  entirely  independent  of,  and  not  to  be 
judged  or  acted  upon  by  ordinary  rules.  If  it  takes 
poisonous  form,  men  and  women  must  eat  the  poison, 
and  die ;  if  it  blesses,  we  may  enjoy  the  bloom  and  the 
fragrance.  Such  a  theory  of  love  is  in  accordance 
with  the  fantastic  imaginings  of  uncontrolled  and  un- 
disciplined minds,  but  is  absurd  as  entering  into  and 
foraiing  part  of  the  regular  system  of  divine  provi- 
dence. Love  is  undoubtedly  to  the  emotional  world 
what  sunshine  is  to  the  natural  world  —  its  vitalizing 
influence.  But  it  is  to  be  guided,  controlled,  directed 
to  the  proper  objects,  and  may  even  be  cultivated  in 
the  right  direction. 

The  possession  and  exercise  of  judgment  saves  us 
from  the  commission  of  hasty  acts  of  folly,  which 
oflen  result  in  deep  distress  and  humiliation,  if  not  in 
life-long  regret ;  and  why  should  it  not  be  called  upon 
to  aid  us  in  the  most  important  act  of  our  lives,  as 
well  as  in  the  trivial  affairs  of  every  day  ?  It  would 
be  well  for  all  young  people  to  remember  this,  and 
refuse  at  once  to  prosecute  any  affair  of  the  heart 
which  the  judgment  does  not  sanction. 

The  fourth  qualification  for  marriage,  not  by  any 
means  fourth  in  importance,  is  truth.  There  is  no 
vice  that  so  utterly  sinks  one  person  in  the  estimation 
of  another  as  the  discovery  of  insincerity  and  false- 
hood.     One  can   forgive  almost  anything  if  it  is  re- 


QUALIFICATIONS  FOR   MARRIAGE.         41 

deemed  by  openness,  honesty,  sincerity,  and  truth.  The 
intimacy  of  manied  life,  the  unity  of  interests,  the 
necessity  for  perfecting  that  basis  of  respect  which 
offers  the  best  security  to  permanence  of  affection, 
renders  truth  and  candor  of  the  highest  value  as  quali- 
ties in  wife  or  husband.  One  desires,  above  all  things, 
that  the  person  who  is  nearest  and  dearest  to  us, 
should  be  one  upon  whom  we  can  implicitly  rely, 
whose  loyalty  will  be  unstained,  whose  word  will  be 
unquestioned,  whose  character  and  conduct  will  be 
free  from  the  meanness,  the  pettiness,  the  cowardice 
of  lying  and  evasion.  The  temptation  to  deception  is 
strong  during  the  first  years  of  married  life,  in  order 
to  keep  up  the  illusions  which  it  is  felt  on  both  sides 
have  surrounded  previous  intercourse,  and  because 
there  is  a  lack  of  knowledge  on  the  part  of  all  men 
of  all  women,  and  \yice  versa,  which  places  them  at 
the  outset  at  the  greatest  possible  disadvantage  in 
their  new  relations. 

The  wife,  for  instance,  has  been  taught  that  certain 
things  are  wrong,  and  certain  things  are  right ;  and 
she  intends  to  square  her  husband  by  her  rule,  and 
make  him  the  reflex  of  her  father,  her  brother,  or 
somebody  else's  husband,  whom  she  has  set  up  for  a 
model. 

Her  husband,  on  the  contrary,  has  been  brought  up 
with  very  stringent  notions  as  to  what  it  is  right  for 
women  to  do,  but  very  lax  ideas  concerning  men,  and 
he  is  probably  as   unlike  as  possible  this  ideal   man 


42  FOR   BETTER   OR    WORSE 

whom  he  is  to  imitate.  To  save  trouble,  therefore, 
and  as  a  concession  to  her  ignorance,  he  commences 
a  system  of  falsifying  and  petty  deception,  and  she  of 
fretting  and  fault-finding,  until  confidence  and  affection 
are  both  shaken,  and  the  charm  and  brightness  seem 
to  have  been  taken  out  of  life. 

All  this  might  have  been  spared  if  there  had  been 
perfect  truthfulness  on  both  sides  from  the  beginning, 
and  that  spirit  of  consideration  and  forbearance  which 
constitutes  the  fifth  and  necessary  qualification  for 
married  life. 

It  is  a  mistake  which  most  young  people  make,  to 
expect  the  best  which  marriage  can  give  them  in  the 
"  honeymoon,"  or  within  the  first  few  months  of  their 
matrimonial  existence.  What  does  not  come  to  them 
then  of  sympathy,  trust,  consideration,  kindness,  and 
loving  forbearance,  can  hardly  be  expected,  they 
imagine,  to  develop  itself  afterwards.  Never  was 
there  greater  error.  The  best  proof  of  the  divine 
character  of  the  institution  of  marriage,  is  the  fact 
that  living  together  in  this  relation  improves  and  en- 
nobles both  men  and  women,  if  there  is  any  good 
material  in  them  to  work  upon,  and  often  lifts  them 
right  out  of  the  selfishness  which  marked  their  first 
desire  for,  and  enjoyment  in  each  otiior's  society. 
Time,  and  especially  the  development  of  the  truest 
and  purest  form  of  affection,  —  the  parental,  —  trans- 
forms the  thoughtless  woman  and  the  self-assertive 
man  into  the  thoughtful,   tender,  self-sacrificing  wife 


QUALIFICATIONS  FOR  MARRIAGE.         43 

and  mother,  husband  and  father,  who,  looking  back 
upon  the  first  years  of  doubtful  happiness,  find  nothing 
in  them  to  compare  with  the  more  perfect  fruition 
which  experience  and  the  education  of  lives  devoted 
to  care  for  others  have  brought  them. 

The  sixth  and  last  special  qualification  for  marriage 
is  industry.  There  is  no  position  in  life  that  relieves 
men  or  women  from  the  necessity  for  active  exertion ; 
and  there  is  no  condition  of  body  or  mind  so  hopeless 
as  that  of  indolence.  The  active  worker  is  saved 
from  a  thousand  temptations  that  beset  idleness,  and 
is  always  more  or  less  ennobled  by  labor,  no  matter 
what  the  character  of  it  may  be.  Idle  men  are  less 
common  in  this  country  than  idle  women,  because,  in 
one  case,  it  is  considered  discreditable,  in  the  other, 
a  sort  of  badge  of  honor ;  but,  practically,  in  both 
cases  it  is  hurtful  to  mind  and  body.  It  seems  a  small 
thing  to  the  young,  fond,  and  inexperienced  girl,  that 
her  lover  prefers  lounging  to  active  employment,  aud 
is  willing  to  accept  help  from  any  source  rather  than 
earn  his  daily  bread  ;  but  it  will  seem  a  very  hard  and 
cruel  thing  when  she,  and,  perhaps,  children  are  de- 
pendent upon  his  exertions  for  immunity  from  cold 
and  starvation. 

As  for  young  women  themselves,  not  a  few  of  them 
boast  that  they  have  always  been  idle,  and  always 
intend  to  remain  so.  Some,  indeed,  take  great  credit 
to  themselves  for  frankly  telling  their  lovers  that  they 
cannot  work,  and  never  intend  to  learn ;  that  useful- 


44  FOR  BETTER   OR  WORSE. 

ness  is  not  their /or/e,  and  the  like.  This  is  charming 
candor,  no  doubt,  in  a  young  and  pretty  girl ;  but 
there  is  hard  selfishness,  and  a  shameful  willingness 
to  barter  herself  for  what  she  can  get  in  exchange,  at 
the  bottom  of  it.  It  is  most  assuredly  very  different 
from  the  spirit  which  marriage,  with  its  new  pleasures, 
yet  new  cares,  and  quite  new  burdens  and  responsi- 
bilities, requires. 

All  may  be  summed  up  in  one  word :  willingness 
to  do  one's  whole  duty,  as  soon  as  we  find  out  what 
that  duty  is.  This  is,  in  reality,  the  key-note  to  a 
useful  and  happy  life,  married  or  single  ;  and  when 
children  are  born  and  educated  to  consider  duty  the 
first  object  of  existence,  instead  of  selfish  gratifica- 
tion, we  shall  hear  very  little  of  social  evils,  or  the 
disorders  incident  to  married  life,  for  each  one  will 
think  of  others  before  himself,  and,  with  less  of  natu- 
ral passion  and  appetite  to  combat,  will  learn  to  dis- 
tinguish between  the  true  and  the  false,  and  find 
inclination  walking  hand  in  hand  with  the  dictates  of 
reason  and  conscience. 


ENGAGED.  45 


CHAPTER  V. 

ENGAGED. 

Some  writers  have  advocated  the  idea  that  women 
should  choose  their  husbands,  or  at  any  rate,  feel  as 
free  to  do  so,  as  meu  to  choose  their  wives.  They 
argue  that  in  such  a  case,  not  only  would  a  better  se- 
lection be  made,  but  gratitude  would  inspire  their 
efiforts  to  make  their  husbands'  lives  happy,  as  well 
as  love. 

For  my  own  part,  I  doubt  if  ever  a  change  so  radi- 
cal as  this  would  alter  or  greatly  modify  the  experi- 
ences of  the  married.  The  chances  for  discovering 
character  before  marriage  are  less  in  the  case  of  men 
than  of  women,  and  much  less  importance  is  attached 
by  society  to  their  faults  and  peccadilloes.  With  the 
constant  pressure  upon  girls  f>om  all  directions  to 
marry  as  soon  as  possible,  they  could  hardly  be  ex- 
pected to  form  a  wise  judgment,  and  would  be  more 
apt  (save  in  a  few  exceptional  cases)  to  take  hasty  and 
imprudent  matrimonial  steps  than  they  are  now. 

To  be  "  engaged,"  is  the  triumph  and  secret  object 
of  the  young  girl's  life.     It  raises  her  upon  a  pedestal, 


46  J^OR  BETTER    OR    WORSE. 

and  at  once  roakes  her  an  object  of  interest  to 
her  family  and  friends.  All  past  faults  are  buried  in 
oblivion ;  all  her  present  follies  and  foibles  are  ex- 
cused. She  is  privileged  and  petted ;  she  is  the  re- 
cipient of  a  thousand  attentions,  and  invested  vrith 
the  rights,  without  having  to  perform  the  duties,  of  a 
•wife. 

No  wonder  girls  consider  the  being  engaged  of 
more  importance  than  whom  they  are  engaged  to. 
In  this,  as  in  everything  else,  they  are  taught,  edu- 
cated, and  encouraged  to  sacrifice  the  higher  to  the 
lower,  to  make  that  which  should  be  the  means  the 
end  and  ultimate  of  their  desires  and  aims. 

To  a  3'oung  man,  the  being  engaged  is  a  very  seri- 
ous matter,  and  thousands  are  saved  from  committing 
themselves  by  the  knowledge  that  they  cannot  afford 
it.  It  is  not  only  the  diamond  ring  that  seals  the  en- 
gagement that  has  to  be  provided  for,  but  a  long  list 
of  expenses  of  every  description.  Birthday  gifts  and 
holiday  gifts,  not  only  to  the  ^axr  fiancee,  but  more  or 
less  to  the  members  of  her  family.  Boxes  of  bon-bons, 
baskets  of  flowers,  invitations  to  opera,  theatres,  soi- 
rees, and  receptions,  and,  most  important  item  of  all, 
the  carriages  necessary  upon  these  occasions. 

Such  demands  require  a  fortune  to  supply  them ; 
and  many  young  men  have  been  tempted  to  their  ruin 
rather  than  appear  "  mean,"  the  worst  word  in  a 
young  lady's  vocabulary  that  can  be  applied  to  a 
man. 


ENGAGED.  4-7 

Honestly,  and  without  embarrassment,  there  are 
few  young  men  who  can  meet  these  requirements. 
Salaries  will  not  do  it ;  and  in  the  early  stages  of 
mercantile  life,  all  the  capital  that  can  be  obtained  is 
needed  to  compete  with  older  and  more  experienced 
rivals. 

The  majority  of  young  men,  therefore,  relinquish 
the  idea  of  being  "  engaged  "  at  all.  Freedom  has 
its  attractions  for  them  ;  upon  a  moderate  income  they 
can  live,  and,  to  a  certain  extent,  enjoy  the  pleasures 
of  bachelordom  ;  and,  besides,  they  know  perfectly 
well  that  the  lapse  of  time  has  no  terrors  for  them  ; 
that  their  chances,  while  young,  are  small  in  compari- 
son with  those  of  a  well-to-do  man  of  forty,  and  will 
improve  in  proportion  as  their  resources  become 
ample. 

This  view  of  the  case,  probably,  does  not  lessen 
the  real  number  of  marriages.  Nearly  all  men  marry 
some  time  or  other.  But  it  is  acting  curiously  upon 
the  present  generation  of  young  girls',  making  them 
old  maids  ere  they  become  wives,  or  condemning 
them  to  the  unnatural  fate  of  young  wives  of  elderly 
or  middle-aged  men. 

Either  way  the  cflPect  is  bad,  both  upon  young  men 
and  women,  rendering  them  selfish,  and  subverting 
the  whole  theory  of  marriage,  which  is  that  of  one- 
ness and  identity  of  interests,  tastes,  and  sentiments. 

It  is  true  that  the  marriages  of  June  and  January, 
or  June   and  October  or    November,   are  often   not 


48  FOR  BETTER   OR    WORSE. 

nearly  so  unhappy  as  might  bo  supposed  ;  in  fact, 
they  sometimes  realize,  apparently,  all  that  could  be 
expected  of  wedded  bliss.  The  elderly  husband  is 
lover-like  in  his  attentions  to  his  young  wife,  who,  in 
her  turn,  is  charmed  with  the  ease  and  elegance  of 
her  position,  and  declares  she  would  not  exchange  her 
"Charles"  (middle-aged  men,  married  to  young 
women,  like  to  be  called  by  their  given  names)  for 
all  the  younger  men  in  the  world.  Does  he  not  give 
her  money  without  asking  ?  Does  he  not  keep  her 
supplied  with  chocolate  and  caramels  ?  Does  he  not 
like  to  see  her  handsomely  dressed  ?  Is  he  not 
always  ready  to  accompany  her  to  places  of  amuse- 
ment ?     What  can  she  ask  for  more  ? 

Certainly  nothing,  so  far  as  her  own  pleasures  and 
amusements  are  concerned,  and  nothing,  if  personal 
gratification  is  the  principal  object  of  existence. 

But  men  who  live  to  middle  life  and  then  marry,  or 
who  marry  young  girls  after  having  buried  one  wife, 
display,  even  in  their  affection,  a  refinement  of  selfish- 
ness. They  treat  their  young  wives  as  children,  coax 
and  caress  them,  make  them  the  sharers  of  their 
lighter  pleasures,  but  not  of  their  thoughts. 

Such  marriages  ai'e  rarely  productive  of  oflTspring ; 
the  middle-aged  or  elderly  man  likes  his  comfort,  and 
associates  children  only  with  measles,  whooping-cough, 
and  disturbed  rest.  The  girl-wife  is  delighted  to  find 
herself  wife  and  child  in  one,  and  becomes  more  help- 
less, more  self-absorbed,  and  more  indulgent  to  her 


ENGAGED.  49 

own  whims  and  fancies  as  the  years  roll  on.  Both 
finally  attain  the  measure  of  that  sensuous  and  mate- 
rial individuality  which  finds  its  highest  gratification 
in  the  delights  of  the  eye  and  the  palate,  and  the  ab- 
sence of  any  disturbing  elements. 

But  is  this  the  life  calculated  to  develop  manhood 
and  womanhood  in  men  and  women  ?  I  think  not. 
Life  has  important  duties.  It  is,  at  the  best,  a  long 
struggle,  of  which  we  never  can  see  the  results,  though 
we  are  always  striving  for  them. 

All  experience  demonstrates,  however,  that  we 
never  accomplish  less  than  when  we  work  for  our- 
selves. What  we  gain  of  the  show  we  lose  in  the 
reality ;  and,  though  a  truthful,  conscientious  life 
seems  but  fragmentary  and  unsatisfactory,  it  is  found, 
at  last,  to  have  been  rich  in  the  higher  experiences, 
and  in  the  effort  which  garners  up  a  harvest  of  bless- 
ings in  the  present  and  for  the  future. 

Girls  should  look  upon  an  engagement  as  a  serious 
if  not  a  solemn  act.  Not  as  a  means  of  procuring 
bouquets  and  bon-bons,  but  as  a  promise  to  take  upon 
themselves  the  obligations,  tiie  duties,  and  the  respon- 
sibilities of  womanhood.  There  is  no  occasion  to  be- 
come sober  or  dreary,  or  to  ignore  pleasure.  The 
mistake  we  make  throughout  life  is  in  disassociating 
ideas  of  labor  and  duty  with  pleasure,  when,  in  reality, 
the  highest  happiness  we  know  is  found  in  the  per- 
formance of  every-day  duties,  in  the  accomplishment 
of  every  woman's  work. 
4 


50  POR  BETTER    OR    WORSE. 

There  are  thousands  of  young  men  who  would 
willingly  become  engaged,  who  would  willingly  marry, 
and  thousands  of  young  women  who  would  be  happy 
in  becoming  their  wives ;  but  social  etiquette  pre- 
vents the  young  man  from  saying,  "  I  wish  to  marry, 
but  my  income  will  not  admit  of  costly  gifts  to  you, 
or  an  establishment  after  we  are  married.  With 
economy  it  will  keep  us  in  comfort,  and  I  will  do  my 
best  to  make  you  happy,  if  you,  for  your  part,  will 
assist  in  making  our  homo  the  paradise  which  every 
woman  can  make  for  the  man  she  loves." 

These  words  are  not  said  through  fear  of  ridicule 
or  contempt,  and  the  young  man  grows  middle-aged 
in  the  billiard-room,  or  the  solitary  attic  of  his  board- 
ing-house ;  and  the  young  woman  sees  with  alarm  the 
first  track  of  the  crow's-feet  in  the  corners  of  her  fair 
cheek,  wonders  why  young  men  are  so  backward  in  de- 
claring themselves,  and  redoubles  her  efforts  to  make 
herself'attractive  by  all  the  pretty  toilet  arts  she  can 
devise, 

A  word  as  to  the  conduct  of  young  girls  who  are 
"  engaged  "  towards  their  lovers.  American  ideas 
tolerate  an  amount  of  freedom  between  the  sexes, 
which  has  both  its  evils  and  its  advantages.  But 
there  is  an  absurd  custom  in  families  of  always  leav- 
ing an  engaged  couple  alone,  of  giving  up  to  them 
the  exclusive  use  of  the  back  or  the  front  parlor,  as 
the  case  may  be,  which  is  foolish,  and  ought  to  be 
abandoned. 


ENGAGED.  51 

Young  women  cannot  be  too  careful  of  their  ac- 
tions under  such  circumstances,  as  the  \q,x^  freedom 
and  laxity  of  modern  society  has  destroyed  much  of 
tlie  binding  nature  of  the  obligation  which  formerly 
attached  to  engagements,  and  they  are  nowadays  as 
often  broken  as  kept.  Should  this  occur,  the  young 
lady  will  have  saved  herself  much  after-humiliation 
by  the  exercise  of  a  little  maidenly  reserve,  and  would 
not  unfrequently  save  such  a  catastrophe,  as  her 
modesty  would  surely  enhance  her  attractions  in  the 
eyes  of  her  lover. 

Moreover,  the  best  way  to  judge  of  each  other's 
character  is  by  familiar  intercourse  in  the  family  circle. 
If  a  young  man  drops  in  of  an  evening,  and  finds  the 
time  pass  pleasantly  in  chatting  with  the  old  lady,  in 
showing  pictures  to  the  baby,  and  in  helping  a  school- 
boy brother  with  his  "  sums,"  be  sure  he  will  make 
an  excellent  husband  ;  but  if  he  considers  everj'body 
in  the  way,  and  has  "engagements"  elsewhere  un- 
less he  can  take  his  lady-love  into  a  corner,  beware  of 
him.  He  will  make  a  selfish,  and,  some  time  or  other, 
neglectful  husband. 

In  the  ease  and  unconsciousness  of  every-day  life, 
a  thousand  indications  will  also  serve  to  show  to 
the  gentleman  the  character  of  the  one  whom  he 
has  selected  to  be  his  wife  and  the  mother  of  his 
children.  If  she  has  occupations,  is  patient  under 
small  annoyances,  thoughtful,  and  considerate  for 
others,  sought  for  by  the  little  ones  when  they  are  iu 


52  FOR  BETTER    OR    WORSE. 

a  diflBculty,  and  relied  upon  as  the  helper  of  her  mother, 
she  will  prove  a  treasure,  though  her  hair  is  sandy 
instead  of  auburn,  and  her  nose  a  pug. 

Merc  personal  beauty  is  really  a  matter  of  so  little 
importance  after  people  are  married,  that  I  am  sure 
many  men,  and  probably  not  a  few  women,  wonder 
how  they  could  ever  have  been  infatuated  by  it.  Ad- 
mirable personal  qualities,  on  the  contrary,  acquire 
constantly  a  higher  value,  and  soon  invest  face  and 
form  with  a  beauty  which  neither  paint  nor  powder 
is  required  to  improve,  and  which  time  cannot  im- 
pair. 


THE  HONEY-MOON.  63 


CHAPTER  VI. 

THE   "HONEY-MOON." 

It  is  one  of  the  mysteries  why  the  first  months  of 
married  life  should  be  called  the  noncy-Moon,  in  con- 
tradistinction to  the  entire  remaining'  part  of  matri- 
monial existence,  which,  per  consequence,  should  be 
entitled  the  "  Bitter-Moon."  The  observation  and 
experience  of  most  married  people  will  fail  to  carry 
out  this  popular  theory  ;  nine  tenths  of  them  will  con- 
fess, on  the  contrary,  if  questioned  on  the  subject,  that 
the  first  months,  perhaps  years,  of  wedded  life  were 
the  least  happy  of  any  they  had  known,  and  much 
more  "  bitter  "  than  sweet. 

It  is  natural,  of  course,  for  young  novel-reading 
girls  to  imagine  that  all  their  troubles  end  with  those 
of  their  favorite  heroines  —  at  the  church  door ;  and 
that,  according  to  the  traditional  formula,  "  they  live 
happy  forever  after."  It  is  not  in  the  least  unreason- 
able for  them  to  suppose  that  much  will  be  yielded  to 
the  novelty  of  position,  and  the  first  enthusiasm  of 
marital  afiection,  that  will  be  withheld  when  the  nov- 
elty has  worn  off,  and  the  first  glow  of  the  lover's 


64  FOR  BETTER   OR    WORSE. 

passion  subsided  into  the  calm  assertion  of  the  hus- 
band's rights. 

For,  to  a  certain  extent,  this  is  true.  Not  a  little 
wretchedness  is  caused  by  the  unguarded  indulgence 
of  every  whim,  on  the  part  of  pretty  and  capricious 
wives,  by  newly  made  husbands,  who  perhaps  after- 
wards try  to  remedy  the  mistake  by  a  foolish  and  un- 
necessary display  of  harshness  and  severity. 

Very  frequently,  however,  the  most  cherished  illu- 
sions are  dissipated  before  they  have  had  time  for 
realization,  and  husband  or  wife,  or  possibly  both,  ask 
themselves,  in  despair,  if  this  sort  of  association,  of 
companionship,  of  united  wretchedness,  is  what  they 
have  bound  themselves  to  for  the  rest  of  their  days. 

Perhaps  one  is  demonstrative,  the  other  cool  and 
unimpassioned  ;  and  while  the  delicacy  of  the  last  is 
subject  to  repeated  shocks,  the  first  is  groaning  over 
the  idea  that  he  or  she  was  never  loved. 

The  habits  of  young  men,  moreover,  are  so  differ- 
ent from  those  of  young  women,  and  it  is  considered 
60  manifestly  improper  for  the  latter  to  know  anything 
of  the  former  before  marriage,  that  it  is  no  wonder  if 
the  first  revelations  should  occasion  a  sudden  revul- 
sion of  feeling,  and  an  amount  of  wretchedness  which 
seems  to  the  gentleman  totally  unwarranted. 

How  many  wives  remember  the  agony  of  the  first 
night  spent  at  the  club,  the  first  "  stag  "  party,  and 
the  coming  home  at  three  o'clock  in  the  morning  ;  the 
first  refusal  to  gratify  them  in  some  little  matter  of 


THE  HONEY-MOON.  65 

taste  or  fancy,  and,  above  all,  the  first  terrible  convic- 
tion of  the  fact,  that,  instead  of  a  hero,  and  the  no- 
blest and  the  best,  &c.,  they  had  only  married  a  very 
ordinary  man,  with  an  excellent  opinion  of  his  own 
personal  qualities,  and  a  determination  that,  whatever 
he  might  have  done  as  a  lover,  he  should  exact  from 
his  wife  obedience  to  his  will,  and  deference  to  his 
superior  judgment. 

Is  it  surprising,  under  such  circumstances,  that  the 
petted  girl,  the  centre  of  a  lively  circle,  who  never 
knew  what  it  was  to  spend  an  evening  alone,  who  had 
grown  accustomed  to  having  her  wishes  consulted, 
should  sit  down  amid  her  strange  surroundings,  in- 
dulge in  a  good  cry,  and  look  at  her  trunks  with 
vague  thoughts  of  packing  up  them  and  herself,  and 
hieing  back  to  the  parental  roof,  which  she  was  so 
glad  to  leave,  but  which  seems  now  the  safest,  sweet- 
est, and  dearest  spot  on  earth  ? 

So  strong  is  the  temptation,  at  least  once,  on  the 
part  of  many  of  those  newly  married  to  sever  their 
ties,  that  it  is  a  matter  of  wonder  that  more  among 
the  young,  ignorant,  and  inexperienced  do  not  do  it. 
It  says  much  for  the  influence  of  the  sober  second 
thought,  and  for  that  substratum  of  good  sense  which 
generally  underlies  youthful  folly,  and  is  quickly  de- 
veloped, if  ever,  by  the  stern  and  practical  realities 
of  married  life. 

A  case  in  point  is  that  of  young  Forceps,  who  took 
Miss  Rosalie  Augustina  from  boarding-school  at  the 


66  FOR  BETTER   OR    WORSE. 

age  of  sixteen,  and  married  her.  Forceps  knew  per- 
fectly well  at  the  time  that  Rosalie  Augustina  was  a 
giddy  girl,  totally  unacquainted  with  anything  relating 
to  a  wife's  duties  ;  nevertheless,  he  took  her  home  to 
his  mother,  a  rigid  disciplinarian,  and  severely  sensi- 
ble person  of  the  New  England  type,  and  to  his  sis- 
ters, one  of  whom  taught  school,  while  the  other 
assisted  eflBciently  in  doing  the  housework,  and  in 
chorusing  poor  little  Rosalie  Augustina's  shortcom- 
ings. 

For  a  short  time  Forceps  bravely  stemmed  the  tor- 
rent ;  but  continued  complaints  soon  impressed  him 
with  the  belief  that  he  was  an  injured  individual,  and 
had  made  a  fool  of  himself  in  marrying  at  all.  Mrs. 
Rosalie  Augustina  did  not  mend  matters,  of  course, 
by  shedding  torrents  of  tears,  and  giving  him  to  un- 
derstand that  she  considered  mothers  and  sisters-in- 
law  plagues,  housework  a  nuisance,  and  a  husband 
a  banker  and  attendant,  who  should  be  always  ready 
on  call. 

A  series  of  bickerings  resulted,  within  the  year,  in 
the  disappearance  of  Rosalie  Augustina,  who,  how- 
ever, was  too  proud  to  go  to  her  old  home,  and  sought, 
in  a  fit  of  romantic  indignation,  shelter  and  employ- 
ment in  a  distant  city.  Fortunately  she  obtained 
both,  and  an  amount  of  experience  that  convinced  her 
that  she  had  thrown  away  her  happiness.  Her  hus- 
band about  the  same  time  arrived  at  the  same  conclu- 
sion, and  set  on  foot  inquiries,  which  resulted  in  a 


THE  HONEY-MOON.  67 

meeting',  and  finally  in  a  happy  reunion.  Few  of 
those  who  are  admitted  into  the  loving  family  circle 
of  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Forceps  to-day,  imagine  how  near 
both  lives  were  wrecked  by  youthful  ignorance  and 
misconception. 

Mutual  misunderstanding  is,  however,  by  no  means 
confined  to  the  very  young.  Persons  who  have  mar- 
ried at  an  age  when  they  ought  to  know  better,  some- 
times come  very  near  to  splitting  on  some  domestic 
rock. 

Mary  Steadfast  and  William  Wiseman  were  consid- 
ered, in  their  own  immediate  circle,  the  distinct  rep- 
resentatives of  the  male  and  female  virtues.  Both 
had  arrived  at  years  of  discretion,  and  when  they 
married,  everybody  said,  What  an  admirable  couple 
they  will  make,  and  how  happy  they  will  be  !  But 
within  a  very  few  weeks  both  could  have  told  a  very 
different  story  ;  each  possessed  a  strong  will,  and 
each  felt  an  obstinate  conviction  of  being  always  in 
the  right.  Two  days  of  silent,  sullen  bitterness 
within  the  honey-moon,  and  then  Mary,  unable  to 
bear  longer  the  weary,  aching  sense  of  her  loneliness, 
walked  a  mile  to  her  old  home,  and,  notwithstanding 
her  mother's  entreaties,  refused  to  return. 

Three  days  she  staid  and  wept,  and  was  soothed 
by  her  mother,  who  understood  and  pitied,  while  oth- 
ers blamed.  Three  nights  she  slept  in  the  sanctuary 
of  her  own  old  room,  untroubled  by  the  careless  ad- 
vent of   heavy  boots,   or  the   meanderiugs   of  dirty 


58  FOR  BETTER    OR    WORSE. 

collars  and  stray  neckties.  In  the  mean  time  her 
husband  was  first  indignant,  then  alarmed,  but  too 
proud  and  stubborn  to  make  the  first  advances,  or  ex- 
hibit even  a  desire  to  bring  his  truant  wife  home. 
Iler  mother,  however,  knew  that  this  state  of  things 
could  not  last  always,  and  a  short,  but  wise  and  kind 
note  was  despatched  to  William  Wiseman,  recom- 
mending him  to  call  that  evening  and  take  Mary 
home,  making  no  allusion  to  her  absence,  and  treat- 
ing her  precisely  the  same  as  if  it  had  never  occurred. 

William  was  sensible  enough  to  do  so.  Mary  was 
also  sensible  enough  to  be  thankful  that  nothing  worse 
came  of  giving  way  to  an  uncontrollable  impulse,  and 
soon  learned  to  adapt  herself  to  what  at  first  had 
seemed  so  intolerable  in  her  new  position.  Four 
bonny  children  now  own  to  the  name  of  Wiseman, 
and  it  is  not  likely  that  either  will  ever  know,  or  even 
remotely  suspect,  how  near  their  parents  once  came 
to  figuring  in  a  suit  for  divorce  or  legal  separation. 

But  it  is  not  all  who  think  such  thoughts  who  pro- 
ceed to  such  extremities,  or  even  give  them  verbal  ex- 
pression ;  on  the  contrary,  the  larger  number  get  rid 
of  their  illusions  and  disappointments  as  best  they  may, 
wisely  saying  nothing  about  them,  and  are  rewarded 
by  the  realization  of  more  happiness  than  they  Bad 
ever  dared  to  expect. 

It  is  a  pleasant  surprise  to  the  wife  of  several 
years'  standing  to  find  that  the  delicate  attentions  and 
thoughtful  consideration  which  she  supposed  belonged 


THE  HONEY-MOON.  59 

peculiarly  to  the  first  period  of  married  life  are  more 
frequently  the  growth  of  her  husband's  respect  and 
affection  ;  that  the  habits  which  clung  to  him  at  first, 
as  part  of  his  season  of  "  wild  oats  "  and  resistless 
impulse,  have  disappeared  in  the  maturity  of  a  thor- 
oughly awakened  manhood. 

It  is  no  less  gratifying  to  the  husband  to  find  the 
thoughtless  extravagance  and  the  pettish  caprices  of 
girlhood  lost  in  the  new  and  infinitely  more  attractive 
womanhood  of  the  wife  and  mother.  The  gentle, 
earnest  woman,  newly  baptized  in  her  love  for  that 
great  mystery,  her  own  little  child,  is  something  en- 
tirely different  from  the  light-hearted,  prettily,  selfish, 
exacting  mixture  of  curls  and  ribbons  that  he  mar- 
ried. 

Newly  made  brides  are  apt  to  consider  themselves 
objects  of  envy  to  all  their  friends  and  acquaintance, 
but  I  confess  I  never  see  one  without  a  dim,  unde- 
fined feeling  of  anxiety  and  pity.  How  will  she 
stand  the  ordeal  of  this  great  and  abrupt  transition 
from  a  life  shadowed  only,  perhaps,  by  fears  lest  she 
should  pass  twenty  without  being  Mrs.  Somebody,  to 
the  realization  of  the  duties  and  obligations  of  a 
double  existence,  in  which,  with  equal  powers,  de- 
sires as  keen,  aspirations  as  strong,  ambition  as  pow- 
erful, she  must  be  content  to  bear  a  secondary  part  ? 

One  thing  is  certain  :  it  is  not  beauty,  or  talent,  or 
genius  which  insures  present  or  future  happiness  in 
wedded  life ;    it  is  a  large   amount  of  that  homely 


60  FOR  BETTER    OR    WORSE. 

quality,  good  common  sense.  Beauty  is  a  precious 
gift,  so  is  genius ;  but  in  the  intimate  association  of 
married  life  they  not  only  lose  attraction,  but  become 
repulsive  and  venomous,  unless  accompanied  by  less 
brilliant,  but  more  kindly,  solid,  and  enduring  quali- 
ties. 

The  hone^'-moon  is,  therefore,  a  creation  and  possi- 
ble development,  rather  than  the  necessary  conse- 
quence of  the  first  experience  of  wedded  life.  It  may 
be  sweet  and  perpetual,  though  the  opening  scenes  be 
bitter  ;  at  any  rate,  in  ninety-nine  cases  it  is  better  to 
submit  to,  and  make  the  best  of  the  inevitable,  than  to 
throw  aside,  or  wantonly  ignore  the  moral  and  legal 
obligations  which  have  been  freely  assumed. 

In  a  really  happy  marriage  between  two  good  and 
harmonious  persons  who  love  each  other,  the  bright- 
ness of  the  first  moon  resolves  itself  into  the  tender 
and  ever-growing  sweetness  of  a  perpetual  honey- 
moon, which  age  cannot  wither,  or  custom  stale  ;  but 
yet  the  secret  of  their  perpetual  happiness  will  not 
lie  so  much  in  their  mutual  perfections  as  in  their 
mutual  forbearance.  Knowing  how  much  must  be 
forgiven,  we  must  willingly  forgive,  if  in  married  life 
we  would  ever  experience  a  "  IIouey-Moon." 


THE  DUTY  OF  THE    WIFE.  61 


CHAPTER    VII. 

THE  DUTY  OF  THE  WIFE. 

It  is  not  customary,  in  fact,  girls  are  not  educated 
to  look  at  life  from  the  stand-point  of  any  duty,  but 
their  duty  to  themselves.  They  are  impressed  with 
the  necessity  of  being  married  ;  not  because  they  can, 
in  this  way,  best  fulfil  the  purpose  of  their  being,  — 
the  law  of  human  existence,  — but  to  secure  personal 
position,  supply  personal  wants,  or  gratify  personal 
ambition. 

Of  course  I  do  not  mean  that  all  women  marry  to 
gain  these  objects,  or  that  they  are  not,  in  many,  per- 
haps in  the  majority  of  instances,  influenced  by  other 
and  higher  considerations ;  but  I  do  mean  to  assert 
that  the  inducements  constantly  held  out,  and  the 
motives  always  kept  in  view,  are  personal,  instead  of 
human  and  social.  That  duty,  the  duty  of  knowledge, 
of  preparation,  of  fitness,  rarely  enters  into  the  calcu-* 
iations  of  the  modern  marriage,  and  when  it  does, 
it  is  generally  from  a  narrow  and  mistaken  stand- 
point. The  first  duty  —  the  only  duty  the  wife  is 
taught  —  is  to  "submit  herself;  "  not  to  make  her- 


62  FOR  BETTER    OR  WORSE. 

self  acquainted  with  her  new  relation,  its  obligations 
and  responsibilities  ;  not  to  use  the  best  means  to  in- 
fluence her  husband  in  right  directions  —  simply  sub- 
mit herself  to  his  pleasure. 

If  men  were  all  God-like,  and  women  alone  human 
and  fallible,  this  would  be  right  and  proper.  But  the 
most  strenuous  opposer  of  women's  rights  will  hardly 
claim  infallibility,  cither  in  judgment  or  morals,  for 
men  ;  and  if  they  have  had  any  range  of  experi- 
ence or  observation,  must  admit  the  possibility  of  dis- 
astrous consequences  —  destruction  even  of  domestic 
happiness,  and  sacrifice  of  innocent  children,  to  a  reli- 
gious sentiment  of  unquestioning  submission  on  the 
part  of  women  ! 

If  the  young  wife  finds  in  her  husband  the  clear 
perception,  the  sound  judgment,  the  wise  forethought, 
the  regard  for  truth  and  honor,  which  go  so  far  to 
make  up  real  greatness  and  nobility  of  character,  she 
will  generally,  and  at  all  events  in  time,  yield  to  him 
the  privilege  of  deciding  upon  the  most  important 
points  which  affect  their  common  welfare.  But  too 
often  she  finds  none  of  these  qualities.  She  remem- 
bers the  injunction  "  to  honor  and  obey,"  and  she  be- 
gins to  wonder  if  it  can  mean,  irrespective  of  all 
qualities  that  command  respect  and  obedience. 

Being  piously  taught  to  look  upon  her  husband  as 
standing  in  some  sort  towards  her  as  God's  represen- 
tative, she  naturally  expects  much  from  him  ;  she 
looks  to  him  not  only  for  protection  and  support,  but 


THE  DUTY  OF  THE    WIFE.  g.-j 

for  a  strength  that  will  make  up  for  her  weakness, 
and  ahnost  argue  exception  from  the  common  lot  of 
humanity.  Instead  of  this  she  finds  an  individual 
ignorant  as  herself  of  the  most  important  bearings  of 
their  new  relation  upon  themselves  and  the  world  at 
large.  She  finds  a  general  idea  that  man  is  born  to 
rule,  but  no  definite  conception  of  how  or  why.  In- 
stead of  wisdom  upon  which  she  can  rely,  she  finds 
prejudices  which  she  is  expected  to  adopt,  a  liability 
to  error  which  she  is  never  to  see,  and  which  is  never 
to  be  acknowledged,  and  an  assertion  of  superiority, 
based  on  the  exercise  of  power,  which  she  soon  begins 
to  suspect  is  not  well  founded. 

Her  false  ideas  of  duty  leave  her  nothing,  after  mak- 
ing these  discoveries,  to  fall  back  upon.  Her  instincts 
forbid  her  to  yield  obedience,  when  such  obedience 
conflicts  with  her  sense  of  right ;  and  yet,  docs  not 
her  vow  at  the  altar  compel  her  to  regard  submission 
to  the  will  of  her  husband  as  her  first  duty  ? 

It  is  not  necessary  to  describe  such  struggles  at 
length,  or  to  recount  how  they  usually  end.  Every 
one  can  remember  and  apply  them  for  herself. 

I  would  not  have  it  understood  from  the  foregoing 
that  a  married  woman's  first  duty  is  to  look  out  for 
her  husband's  faults,  and  exercise  a  direct  censorship 
over  him  ;  on  the  contrary,  I  think  her  care  and  influ- 
ence are  most  felt  and  best  exercised  in  the  strict  per- 
formance of  her  own  duty,  without  reference  to  the 
acts  of  her  husband,  and  in  the  embodiment  in  herself 
of  a  pure,  truthful,  loving  womanhood. 


64  FOR  BETTER   OR  WORSE. 

Moreover,  the  ignorance,  the  want  of  judgment, 
and  other  deficiencies  on  the  part  of  the  husband,  are 
generally  balanced  by  at  least  equal  shortcomings  on 
the  part  of  the  wife,  and  it  is  not  best  for  either  (pot 
or  kettle)  to  commence  calling  each  other  black.  A 
better  method,  at  least  for  the  wife,  whose  case  we 
are  now  considering,  is  to  apply  herself  at  once  to 
remedying  her  own  defects,  and  in  this  way  she  may 
find  a  cure  for  her  husband's  also. 

The  first  duty  of  the  woman  is  to  accept  the  man 
she  has  married  for  what  he  is,  and  make  the  best  of 
him,  not  only  to  the  world  at  large,  but  to  her  own 
consciousness.  Let  her  always  remember  that  if  he 
has  not  the  good  qualities  of  some  other  man,  ho  has 
his  own,  and  that  their  faults,  of  which  she  knows 
nothing,  might  be  still  more  diiBcult  to  endure. 
When  we  enter  into  a  house,  of  which  we  intend  to 
make  a  permanent  home,  we  seek  out  its  sunniest 
nooks,  its  most  attractive  features,  and  cultivate  our 
acquaintance  with  them,  until  they  become  a  part  of 
our  lives,  and  make  up  for  many  deficiencies.  Just 
so  aflfection  may  be  cultivated,  must  be,  indeed,  if  the 
flower,  whose  color  and  fragrance  gladden  our  lives, 
is  to  take  root,  and  become  a  permanent  and  beauti- 
ful tree. 

Another  duty  of  the  wife  is  to  accept  the  social 
position  in  which  marriage  has  placed  her,  fulfil  its 
obligations,  improve  it  if  she  can,  but  spend  neither 
time  nor  strength  in*  complaints  and  repiuings  at  it. 


THE  DUTY  OF  THE    WIFE.  65 

She  had  her  choice  to  marry,  or  remain  single,  and 
fight  the  battle  of  life  for  herself;  she  chose  to  marry, 
and  is  bound  by  every  sentiment  of  honor  to  assist 
her  husband  to  maintain  his  place  as  man  and  citizen, 
to  aid  his  best  endeavors,  to  use  her  influence  to  ward 
off  temptation,  and  obtain  and  preserve  for  her  chil- 
dren the  best  dower  they  can  receive,  a  useful  and 
honorable  name  —  a  name  untainted  by  falsehood, 
corruption,  untruth,  or  disloyalty  to  man  or  woman. 
So  much  of  this  moral  power  lies  in  the  hands  of 
women,  that  it  should  be  a  religious  duty  with  them 
to  guard  it  sacredly,  and  use  it  as  a  trust  for  which 
they  will  be  held  responsible. 

Instead  of  stimulating  and  encouraging  men  to 
mischief  by  their  demands  and  exactions  ;  instead  of 
submitting  to  their  will,  in  order  to  make  them  dupes 
in  return,  it  is  the  duty  of  wives  to  exercise  a  restrain- 
ing influence  upon  the  passions  of  their  husbands,  to 
hold  them  by  the  reins  of  their  own  purity,  truth,  and 
affection,  and  prevent  them,  if  possible,  from  becom- 
ing ingulfed  in  the  maelstrom  of  speculation,  ex- 
citement, and  mad  indulgence,  which  wreck  so  many 
noble  biit  impetuous  spirits,  and  shut  them  out  of 
sight  and  possibility  of  reinstatement  forever. 

Men  nearly  always  take  their  first  risk  of  soul  or 
body  for  the  sake  of  a  woman,  and  if  she  encourage 
it  for  the  sake  of  gain,  gi-eed  and  ambition  take 
possession  of  the  souls  of  both,  and  drive  out  truth, 
honor,  integrity,  all  those  virtues  which  lay  the  foun- 
6 


.^ 


66  FOR   BETTER   OR  WORSE. 

dation  of  family  name,  which  add  tho  highest  lustre 
to. individual  reputation. 

Watchfulness  and  care  on  the  part  of  the  good  and 
true  wife  that  she  lead  not  her  husband  into  tempta- 
tion, seem  to  be  especially  demanded  now,  when  we 
are  apparently  entering  upon  an  era  of  almost  unex- 
ampled national  prosperity,  the  tendency  o£  which 
will  be  to  lose  sight  entirely  of  the  faith,  the  devo- 
tion to  principle,  tho  self-denial,  which  built  up  our 
greatness,  and  which  alone  can  preserve  it  to  future 
generations. 

Only  this  recognition  by  women  of  their  duty,  and 
the  performance  of  it,  can  save  us  from  the  fate  which 
has  always  overtaken  great  empires,  when  prosperity 
has  rendered  them  proud,  indolent,  boastful,  and  lux- 
urious, and  if  enough  cannot  be  found  to  stem  the 
frightful  tide  of  fashion,  indolence,  and  selfishness,  it 
will  only  remain  for  us  to  accept  for  ourselves  and 
our  children  the  ruin  wo  shall  have  helped  to  precipi- 
tate. 

There  is  another  temptation  which  this  age  opposes 
to  the  duty  of  the  wife,  and  which  is  even  more  dan- 
gerous than  prosperity,  because  subtler,  and  presented 
under  a  variety  of  seducing  and  attractive  forms,  and 
that  is  Individualism.  To  women  it  puts  on  the  guise 
of  an  angel  unlocking  tho  gates  of  Paradise,  and  is  the 
herald  of  a  gospel  so  sweet  and  entrancing,  that  they 
yield  without  opposition  to  its  fascinations,  until  they 
iiud  themselves  sailing  out  of  the  smooth  waters  into 


THE  DUTY  OF  THE    WIFE.  67 

a  troubled  sea,  full  of  difficulties  and  conflicts,  and 
biding'  beneath  its  treacherous  surface  a  still  deeper 
depth  of  blackness  and  darkness. 

It  sets  itself  from  the  beginning  in  active  opposition 
to  all  unity  and  harmony  between  husband  and  wife, 
to  all  subordination  of  individual  desii*e  to  the  inter- 
est of  the  family.  It  says  to  the  wife,  Why  should 
you  bo  the  mere  echo  of  your  husband  ?  Why  should 
your  gifts  and  graces  be  absorbed  in  the  drudgery  of 
the  household,  and  the  care  of  children  ?  Your  first 
duty  and  last  duty  is  to  yourself,  and  no  other  has 
any  right  to  interfere  with  it ;  if  you  feel  that  this  is 
your  highest,  and  truest,  and  best  representative  work, 
why  then  do  it ;  but  if  you  feel  that  you  can  do  some- 
thing else  better,  why  then,  in  God's  name,  do  that. 

Does  it  not  sound  plausible  ?  Would  it  not  be 
likely  to  lead,  I  will  not  say  mis-lead,  any  young  and 
inexperienced  woman,  conscious  of  some  power,  but 
ignorant  of  the  laws  which  govern  her  own  being,  and 
control  her  relations  with  the  world  about  her  ? 

By  the  estimate  which  the  world  puts  upon  that 
which  is  known  and  recognized,  is  she  not  justified  in 
seeking  personal  fame,  personal  honor,  personal  recog- 
nition ?  Is  she  not  justified  in  sacrificing  to  these,  if 
it  is  necessary,  family  ties,  family  affections,  and 
family  interests  ?  She  has  not  yet  learned  the  very 
unsatisfactory  nature  of  public  reputation,  and  how 
utterly  worthless  it  becomes  when  obtained  at  the 
sacrifice  of  the  fulfilment  of  known  duty. 


68  FOR  BETTER   OR  WORSE. 

I  do  not  blame  women  for  desiring  personal  repu- 
tation ;  I  would  certainly  not  prevent,  but  would  rather 
help  them  to  achieve  it ;  but  I  would  have  them  put 
it  upon  higher  ground  than  the  low  one  of  self,  that 
of  duty  to  the  family,  or  to  humanity  ;  and  they  will 
soon  discover  that  we  give  to  the  world  the  best  that 
is  in  us,  by  doing  the  duty  that  lies  nearest  to  us,  and 
that  it  is  best  to  do  it  because  it  is  duty,  and  not  be- 
cause it  will  bring  us  fame,  or  honor,  or  even  honest 
recognition. 

It  is  not  the  mere  ambitious  desire  for  personal 
reputation,  however,  which  presents  individualism  in 
its  worst  aspect ;  it  is  the  baleful  influence,  the  per- 
nicious tendency  of  the  doctrines,  and  the  destructive 
moral  and  social  ideas  to  which  it  leads.  In  spirit,  it 
is  directly  opposed  to  our  highest  moral  conception, 
—  that  of  subordination  of  the  individual  will  to  the 
general  good. 

It  puts  self,  and  the  lowest  selfish  instincts,  before 
the  convictions  of  honor  and  duty.  It  tramples  upon 
whatever  stands  in  the  way  of  personal  aggrandize- 
ment and  personal  gratification,  and,  in  fine,  makes  of 
the  individual  a  new  golden  calf,  which  it  sets  upon  a 
pedestal,  and  calls  upon  woman  to  fall  down  and  wor- 
ship. 

Why  should  they  not  do  so,  they  already  ask,  as  well 
as  men  ?  I  answer,  because  if  they  are  the  real  pos- 
sessors of  the  moral  power  attributed  to  them  by 
men  ;  of  that  Cue  and  subtle  moral  and  spiritual  force 


THE  DUTY  OF  THE    WIFE.  69 

which  it  is  the  dream  of  all  good  men  and  women  will 
•sometime  be  formulated  into  an  active  and  all-pervad- 
ing agency,  and  brought  to  bear  upon  the  selfish  and 
brutalizing  tendencies  of  every-day  life,  then  they 
ought  to  be  superior  to  selfish  and  merely  personal 
considerations.  They  should  be  able  to  say  to  men. 
It  is  not  out  of  your  selfishness,  your  individualism, 
your  political  preferment,  always  built  upon  the  bodies 
of  prostrate  rivals  ;  or  your  personal  successes,  at 
the  expense  of  costly  tears,  that  you  get  your  chief 
pleasure  and  satisfaction  ;  it  is  in  your  homes,  your 
families,  your  children ;  in  something  which  you 
have  done  to  mitigate  pain,  to  create  new  sources  of 
enjoyment,  and  add  to  the  real  wealth  and  happiness 
of  the  world,  —  it  is  these  that  you  prefer  to  think  of, 
and  rest  upon,  as  the  material  for  a  desirable  and 
hopeful  immortality. 

It  is,  therefore,  in  these  acts  of  beneficence,  not  in 
those  of  selfishness,  that  we  wish  to  imitate  you,  and 
not  80  much  imitate,  as  work  with  you.  We  do  not 
wish  to  make  another  great,  assertive,  belligerent  1 
in  the  world,  to  oppose  itself  to  your  /,  but  we  ask,  for 
the  good  of  the  world  at  large,  that  the  oflSce  of  the 
woman  may  be  respected  as  well- as  that  of  the  man, 
and  that  the  bombastic  /maybe  resolved  into  an  har- 
monious We. 

This  may  appear  a  digression  ;  but  to  those  who  are 
acquainted  with  the  spirit  and  tendencies  of  the  age 
it  will  appear  less  so,  and  I  therefore  proceed,  with- 


10  FOR  BETTER    OR    WORSE. 

out  apology,  to  a  most  important  part  of  the  wife's 
duty  —  that  of  preparing  the  home,  and  making  it 
ready  to  be  the  birthplace  and  nurturing  ground  of 
children. 

When  men  understand  their  duty,  and  make  it  their 
first  business  to  provide  liberally  for  the  production 
and  maintenance  of  the  home,  and  the  rearing  of 
children,  the  work  of  the  wife  will  be  much  less  diffi- 
cult. At  present  the  comfort  of  the  home,  the  wel- 
fare of  wife  and  children,  is  in  many  cases  sacrificed 
to  selfish  indulgence,  or  the  gratification  of  ambition. 
Instead  of  crowning  them,  as  they  should,  with  their 
best  endeavors,  they  calculate  the  lowest  amount 
upon  which  they  can  be  made  to  subsist,  and  not  un- 
frequently  marry,  expecting  women,  not  only  to  bear 
children,  and  rear  them,  but  provide  for  their  sup- 
port. 

Such  manhood  is  unworthy  of  an  advanced  civili- 
zation ;  it  should  receive  the  scorpion  lash  of  a  pub- 
lic opinion  that  would  render  it  infamous,  and  no 
man  should  be  allowed  to  marry  who  had  not  ability 
and  willingness  to  provide  for  those  who  would  be 
naturally  dependent  upon  him. 

Of  course,  it  is  not  neecssary  that  homes  should  be 
magnificent,  or  even  luxurious.  Whatever  the  couple 
themselves  agree  upon  as  sufficient  to  commence  the 
rearing  of  their  ideal  structure,  is  enough  ;  but  there 
must  be  truth,  sincerity,  and  earnestness  on  both  sides, 
to  render  it  thorough  and  permanent.     The  husband 


THE  DUTY  OF  THE    WIFE.  *\\ 

must  provide  the  materials  ;  but  the  wife  must  bring 
to  her  work  love,  patience,  willingness,  and  knowl- 
edge of  how  to  perform  it.  The  utter  failure  to  re- 
alize any  duty  as  connected  with  marriage,  permits 
our  girls  to  become  wives  without  a  thought  of  re- 
sponsibility, much  less  a  practical  acquaintance  with 
the  duties  of  their  new  position.  This  shameful  ig- 
norance renders  manj'  marriages  unhappy  ;  it  is  re- 
sponsible for  much  of  the  indifference,  even  repug- 
nance, to  marriage  on  the  part  of  young  men  ;  it 
encourages  indolence,  and  tlie  shrinking  from  all  trust, 
and  really  destroys  the  integrity  of  married  life,  by 
allowing  girls  to  enter  a  sacred  relation  from  purely 
personal  and  selfish  motives,  and  without  a  perception 
of  the  high  and  holy  nature  of  the  oflSces  pertaining 
to  it. 

A  boarding-house,  it  should  be  understood,  is  the 
sepulchre  of  the  true  joys,  the  hopes,  the  happiness, 
the  comfort  of  married  life.  There  may  be  an  exist- 
ence in  the  far-off  future,  upon  the  communist,  or 
some  other  plan,  that  will  realize  an  ideal  of  society 
without  destroying  the  family  ;  but  it  is  not  to  be 
found  in  any  of  the  boarding-houses  as  they  exist  to- 
day. 

A  simple  family  life,  where  the  members  are  in 
accord,  and  strive  indeed  to  cultivate  the  spirit  of 
harmony  with,  and  affection  for,  one  another,  is  the 
only  one  that  encourages  active  and  disinterested  ef- 
fort on  the  part  of  each  for  the  good  of  all  ;  and  this 


72  FOR  BETTER   OR    WORSE. 

result  springs  raaiuly  from  the  inspiration  of  a  wise 
and  good  wife  and  mother. 

This  brings  me  to  another,  and,  perhaps,  most  im- 
portant part  of  the  duty  of  wife  ;  and  this  is,  to  be 
herself  the  mother  of  her  children.  Does  this  sound 
paradoxical  ?  It  is  not  intended  to-  bo  so.  It  does 
not  enter  into  the  scope  of  this  chapter  to  discuss  the 
duty  of  mothers  ;  but  there  is  no  subject  of  greater 
importance  than  the  duty  of  wives,  in  becoming 
mothers,  to  retain  the  care  and  guardianship  of  their 
children.  Could  they  once  realize  that  it  is  spe- 
cially the  work  that  has  been-  given  them  to  per- 
form ;  that  it  is  the  work  by  which  they  will  be 
judged  ;  that  it  is  a  work,  the  importance  of  which 
they  can  never  realize  until  they  begin  to  enter  upon 
its  fruition  ;  a  work,  the  neglect  of  which  will  be  a 
source  of  eternal  regret ;  —  it  would  be  at  once  a  joy 
and  a  privilege,  instead  of  a  restraint  and  annoyance. 

"  Anybody  can  wash  children's  faces,  pick  up  play- 
things, and  mend  torn  trousers,"  says  some  tired,  dis- 
satisfied young  wife  and  mother,  who  has  not  yet  be- 
gun to  see  much  result  from  her  days  and  weeks  and 
months  of  patient  doing.  But  "  anybody  "  cannot 
bring  the  mother  love,  the  mother  influence,  the  mother 
forethought,  the  mother  watchfulness,  the  mother 
knowledge  of  the  secret  springs  which  actuate  and 
govern  the  unfoldings  of  these  young  lives.  Wash- 
ing faces  and  making  trousers  are  not  all  of  a  moth- 
er's duty.     It  need  not  be  any  part  of  it;  although 


THE  DUTY  OF  THE    WIFE.  *\Z 

even  these  will  repay  the  time  and  faithfulness  ex- 
pended upon  it.  But  the  influence  of  the  mother's 
presence,  the  inspiration  of  her  best  thoughts,  the 
charm  of  her  happiest  life  is  needed,  and  must  be 
given  cheerfully,  lovingly,  as  the  sunshine  to  the 
flowers. 

Not  till  the  tim6  comes  when  the  wife  can  be  no 
more  a  mother,  does  she  fullj'  know  what  she  had, 
and  what  she  lost,  in  the  baby.  What  would  she  not 
give  now  for  one  of  his  laughing  tricks,  for  one  of 
his  sweet,  baby  efforts  at  expression,  which  were 
wasted  upon  dull,  insensate  ears  while  she  was  shop- 
ping, or  visiting,  or  possibly  writing  an  article,  or 
attending  a  committee  meeting  ? 

Not  a  houseful  of  meagre,  half-boin,  half-reared, 
half-cared-for  children  does  the  true  wife  want,  nor 
will  she  have  ;  but  the  one,  or  two,  or  three,  which, 
born  at  the  proper  intervals,  with  mutual  consent, 
with  happy  anticipations,  make  of  the  small  house  a 
paradise,  in  the  truest  sense  of  the  word.  There  is 
no  home  without  children ;  and  there  is  no  home 
either  where  there  are  too  many,  or  unhappily  born 
and  badly-trained  children.  The  conditions  require 
to  be  met  in  order  to  arrive  at  the  complete  result. 

It  is  a  great  temptation,  in  these  days  of  fresh  ac- 
tivities, for  women  to  leave  the  more  confined  field  of 
home  duty,  and  take  a  place  among  the  workers  in 
apparently  more  extended  spheres  of  usefulness.  But 
it  is,  in  most  instances,  a  mere  exchange  of  a  birth- 


74  FOR  BETTER    OR    WORSE. 

right  for  a  mess  of  pottage.  The  glory  is  very  poor 
—  very  evanescent ;  the  struggles,  the  pains,  the  sor- 
rows, the  heartbreaks,  in  full  measure ;  the  loss  of 
sweet  home  associations  and  memories,  very  real  and 
very  sure. 

There  is  no  woman  so  happy  as  the  happy  wife ; 
none  so  truly  consecrate  to  good  work  as  the  faithful 
mother.  Happy  wife  !  Faithful  mother !  Would 
the  Queen  of  England  have  exchanged  these  titles  for 
the  empty  greatness  of  her  crown,  after  an  experi- 
ence of  both  ?     I  think  not. 


DUTIES   OF  HUSBANDS.  75 


CHAPTER  VIII. 

DUTIES    OF   HUSBANDS. 

Money  is  said  to  be  the  root  of  all  evil ;  but  the 
proposition,  though  generally  accepted,  does  not  in 
the  slightest  degree  prevent  all  the  world  from  toil- 
ing after  money,  nor  many  from  taking  very  doubtful 
means  of  obtaining  it.  There  must  be  something 
wrong  in  the  statement,  therefore,  something  against 
which  the  general  sense  of  mankind  rebels,  to  render 
the  moral  effect  of  a  moral  aphorism  so  utterly  nuga- 
tory. Money  cannot  be  all  evil  ;  it  must  do  some 
good  ;  it  must  possess  some  very  desirable  and  bene- 
ficial possibilities,  to  make  it  the  object  of  such  eager 
craving,  such  universal  homage,  as  is,  with  rare  ex- 
ceptions, yielded  to  it. 

A  more  correct  reading,  it  seems  to  me,  would  be 
this,  that  Selfishness  is  the  root  of  all  evil ;  and  it  is 
individual  selfishness,  which  is  peculiarly  the  product 
of  our  modern  civilization,  and  which  lies  at  the  root 
of  all  the  difficulties  with  regard  to  marriage. 

It  is  the  habit  to  credit  women  and  their  extrava- 
gance with  not  only  the  modern  restlessness  and  un- 


Ve  FOR  BETTER   OR    WORSE. 

happiness  in  the  matrimonial  relation,  but  with  the 
modern  tendency  to  old  bachelorhood  among  men. 
This  is  false  and  unjust  —  unjust  because  it  is  false. 
The  growth  of  luxury  undoubtedly  has  something  to 
do  with  the  reluctance  of  young  men  to  bind  them- 
selves by  new  ties  and  responsibilities  ;  but  it  is  less 
the  fear  of  increased  demands  on  the  part  of  women, 
than  unwillingness  to  give  up  their  own  pet  indul- 
gences, to  subordinate  their  selfish  desires  to  broader 
social  duties.  No  more  than  women,  do  they  under- 
stand the  duties  involved  in  the  new  relation,  but  they 
somehow  feel  that  it  would  interfere  with  their  indi- 
vidual pleasures ;  and  their  education  has  tended, 
even  more  than  that  of  women,  to  establish  a  belief 
in  a  divine  right  to  consult  their  own  inclinations, 
and  secure  their  own  personal  comforts  at  any  sacri- 
fice. 

Marriage,  with  men  in  general,  is  only  an  extension 
of  the  same  selfish  idea  ;  few  even  take  the  trouble 
to  think  whether  they  are  calculated  to  add  to  the 
happiness  of  any  woman,  much  less  fill  an  enlarged 
place  satisfactorily  in  the  human  and  social  economy. 

The  simple  fact,  plainly  stated,  is,  that  they  want  a 
wife  —  the  "wife"  being  thought  of  more  in  the 
light  of  a  piece  of  property  than  anj-^thing  else.  Add 
individual  preference  to  this  fact,  and  the  question 
will  assume  one  of  two  forms  —  Can  1  afford  the  lux- 
ury ?  or.  Will  she  add  enough  to  my  comfort  to  make 
it  pay  pecuniarily  ?     For  men,  when  they  fall  in  love, 


k 


DUTIES   OF  HUSBANDS.  77 

generally  do  so  with  exactly  what  they  condemn  — 
viz.  :  delicacy,  white  hands,  elaborately  dressed  hair, 
a  unique  and  strikingly  fashionable  toilet,  a  pretty 
face,  and  an  ignorance  and  helplessness  which  height- 
ens, by  contrast,  their  wisdom  and  strength.  Their 
aesthetic  natures  and  luxurious  tastes  require  to  be 
gratified  by  the  presence  of  beauty,  refinement,  cul- 
ture, ease,  and  plenty.  Moreover,  they  want  the 
credit  of  being  able  to  maintain  the  social  position  of 
other  men,  but  they  do  not  want  it  to  cost  too  much ; 
and  their  selfishness,  their  idleness,  or  their  incapacity, 
takes  refuge  behind  the  flimsy  and  threadbare  com- 
plaints of  women's  extravagance. 

The  truth  is,  if  men  understand  and  perform  their 
duty,  women  cannot  often  be  extravagant,  because  it 
is  part  of  that  duty  to  assign  from  the  income  the 
portion  of  it  which  is  to  be  devoted  to  the  creation 
and  maintenance  of  the  home  ;  and  if  these  limits  are 
observed,  though  the  wife  may  fail,  through  igno- 
rance, to  make  the  best  use  of  it,  yet  she  will  not,  ex- 
cept in  those  rare  and  exceptional  cases  which  do  not 
come  under  the  general  head,  involve  him  in  pecuniaiy 
difficulty. 

The  objections,  then,  which  are  commonly  made  to 
marriage,  on  the  ground  of  the  faults  and  failures  of 
women,  have  little  foundation  in  fact ;  the  cause  is 
far  more  likely  to  be  found  in  the  selfishness  and 
shortcomings  of  men. 

It  would  be  false  to  say  that  men  have  no  ideas  of 


78  FOR  BETTER   OR    WORSE. 

duty,  but  thoy  are  loss  social  than  individual.  It  is 
their  duty  first,  as  men,  towards  men,  which  they  ac- 
knowledge ;  and  second,  as  citizens,  towards  the 
country  to  which  they  belong,  and  whose  advantages 
and  position  they  share.  But  towards  women,  as 
women,  they  seldom  realize  any  duty.  It  rarely 
seems  to  enter  their  minds,  that,  by  being  compelled 
to  be  the  mothers  of  the  race,  the  whole  body  of 
women  are  perpetually  subject  to  physical  disabili- 
ties, which,  even  where  she  is  not  bound  by  actual 
maternity,  creates  obstacles,  impediments,  and  dis- 
couragements, which  are  not  shared  by  men.  In- 
stead of  this,  men  accept  difference  of  function  as  evi- 
dence of  inferiority,  and  practically  act  upon  the 
proposition,  that,  not  being  able  to  contend  for  them, 
women  have  no  rights  that  men  are  bound  to  respect. 
Is  this  overstated  ?  I  think  not.  I  appeal  to  the 
consciousness  of  men  if  it  is  not  true.  I  assert, 
moreover,  that  the  selfish  ideal  of  life  is  a  failure,  that 
they  get  no  satisfaction  out  of  it,  and  that  when  it 
is  too  late  they  see  it,  and  comprehend  that  to  have 
made  it  a  success  they  should  have  started  on  quite 
different  principles.  There  is  nowhere  a  more  un- 
happy being  than  the  isolated  man  who  has  only  his 
own  whims  and  caprices  to  consult.  Life  for  him 
has  neither  motive  nor  stimulus.  He  wished  to  se- 
cure ease,  to  avoid  care  and  responsibility,  but  he 
finds  himself  cheated  of  his  fancied  enjoyments  at 
every  turn.    lie  cannot,  after  all,  expend  his  resources 


DUTIES   OF  HUSBANDS.  Y9 

wholly  upon  himself,  and  he  is  either  forced,  for  the 
sake  of  decency,  to  bear  the  burdens  originally  as- 
sumed by  others,  or  to  drop  out  of  the  world  un- 
thought  of,  uncared  for,  unregretted,  leaving  no 
thought  that  would  help  to  keep  his  memory  green 
in  the  minds  of  those  he  leaves  behind. 

This  is  the  fate  of  the  isolated  man  :  that  of  the 
one  who  marries  from  purely  selfish  motives  is  not 
much  better.  Naturally  he  fails  of  the  happiness,  or 
advantage,  which  he  sought.  His  wife,  children,  and 
whole  social  existence  will  either  be  a  disappointment, 
or  a  weight  that  he  cannot  carry  :  they  will  sicken 
or  devour  him.  Whatever  willingness  or  right  in- 
tention may  have  existed  in  his  household  in  the  be- 
ginning will  be  crushed,  or  left  to  die  of  neglect  and 
want  of  appreciation.  His  wife  will  learn  that  she 
has  nothing  to  expect  from  his  justice,  his  humanity, 
or  his  love,  and  she  will  first  cajole  and  then  deceive 
him.  His  children  will  share  his  spirit  of  selfish  ap- 
propriation, and  only  value  parents  or  home  for  what 
they  can  make  out  of  them.  His  friends  —  well,  the 
selfish  man  has  not  many  friends,  and  the  least  said 
of  them  the  better. 

But  what  are  the  duties  of  husbands  ?  They  con- 
sist, in  brief,  of  man's  duty  to  woman  —  crystallized 
by  love  for  the  individual,  and  desire  to  fulfil  his  own 
part  in  the  economy  of  nature,  into  perpetual  care 
and  consideration  for  the  interests  and  happiness  of  a 
wife,  with  whose  aid  he  hopes  to  build  up  a  name  and 


80  FOR  BETTER    OR    WORSE. 

place  in  the  world,  perfect  his  own  manhood,  and  per- 
petuate in  children  the  better  qualities  of  both  —  thus 
securing  to  the  future  something  better  than  has  ex- 
isted in  the  past. 

A  boy,  at  a  district  school,  once  gave  as  his  own 
deflnition  of  the  word  husband,  "  A  man  that  marries 
a  woman  to  take  care  of  her,"  and  the  idea  was  very 
creditable  to  him.  A  man  ought  to  marry  a  woman 
to  take  care  of  her.  Iler  maternal  function,  its  exi- 
gencies and  requirements,  constitute  her  claim  upon 
hirri  ;  and  even  if  that  is  not  called  into  exercise,  she 
still  shares  the  fate  of  her  sex,  and  so  requires  pro- 
tection ;  she  is  still  necessary  to  his  happiness,  still 
stands  in  her  natural  relation  of  companion,  sympa- 
thizer, helper,  and  consoler. 

The  first  duty  of  the  husband  to  the  wife  is  to  re- 
spect her  —  her  person,  her  functions,  her  inclinations, 
her  individuality.  It  is  so  much  the  habit  of  men  to 
think  of  "  my  wife  "  as  of  sometliing  over  which  they 
hold  exclusive  control,  that  the  best  of  them  express  it 
almost  unconsciously,  and  in  a  manner,  frequently, 
that  the  wife,  though  she  may  be  silent  on  the  sub- 
ject, never  forgets.  He  must  always  remember  that 
his  wife  is  not  a  mere  instrument  of  his  pleasure,  but 
a  coadjutor  in  the  best  work,  the  highest  objects,  the 
worthiest  aims  of  his  life,  and  that,  in  sacrificing  her 
to  his  lowest  instincts,  he  defeats  his  own  noblest 
purposes,  and  is  false  to  the  first  principles  of  a  true 
manhood. 


DUTIES   OF  HUSBANDS.  81 

Girls  are,  as  a  rule,  so  entirely  ignorant  of  what  it 
is  most  important  they  should  know,  that  it  becomes 
a  husband's  duty  to  guard  his  wife,  even  against  him- 
self, from  the  consequences  of  her  own  want  of 
knowledge.  Unborn  children,  sickly  children,  broken 
constitution,  life-long  nervousness,  weakness,  and  in- 
validism, are  the  constantly  recurinng  results  of  igno- 
rance and  ungoverned  passion. 

The  second  duty  of  the  husband  is  that  of  recogni- 
tion. "  Husband  and  wife  are  one,  and  the  husband 
that  one,"  has  been  the  practical  formula,  and  has 
produced  half  the  domestic  difficulties  that  afflict  our 
social  life.  If  the  wife  were,  humanly',  a  nullity  —  a 
simple  flesh-and-blood  machine,  called  into  existence 
to  perform  certain  work,  fulfil  certain  offices,  but  not 
possessed  of  the  same  intelligence  or  reasoning  fac- 
ulties as  the  husband,  there  would  be  cause  for  this 
distinctive  and  utter  subordination  of  her  judgment 
and  will  to  his ;  but  no  one,  not  even  the  most  big- 
oted advocate  of  the  subjection  of  women,  pretends 
that  this  is  the  case  —  to  practically  assume  it,  there- 
fore, is  to  commit  a  great  injustice  —  it  is  to  begin  in 
a  way  which  is  sure  to  lead  to  domestic  unhappiness, 
and  end  in  the  destruction  of  the  brightest  hopes. 
,  How  many  men  have  said  to  themselves,  "I  must 
begin  as  I  mean  to  go  on.  One  must  be  master,  and 
it  is  best  that  she  should  know  which  it  is  to  be." 

Now,  the  man  who  marries  with  the  idea  that  either 
must  bo  "  master,"  is  not  fit  to  marry  at  all.     He 
6 


82  FOR  BETTER   OR    WORSE. 

oaght  to  have  been  a  slave-driver,  and  dropped  out 
of  the  world  altogether  with  that  ancient  and  once 
respectable  institution.  There  is  no  need  for  master- 
ship on  either  side ;  in  fact,  it  cannot  exist  with  hap- 
piness and  equality  in  marriage,  because  the  con- 
sciousness of  submitting  to  wrong  and  humiliation,  on 
the  one  hand,  and  the  unjust  exercise  of  power  on  the 
other,  would  poison  the  very  springs  of  their  enjoy- 
ment, and  sow  the  seeds  of  misery  for  future  genera- 
tions. The  honest,  cheerful,  candid  recognition,  on 
the  contrary,  of  her  woman's  estate,  of  the  importance 
of  her  duties,  of  the  provision  they  require  in  order 
that  she  may  fulfil  them,  the  exhibition  of  confidence 
in  her  judgment,  of  trust  in  her  affection,  in  her  will- 
ingness, her  desire  to  do  right,  will  excite  her  love 
and  gratitude  to  the  utmost,  prompt  her  to  a  thousand 
acts  of  wifely  devotion,  and  induce  her  to  yield  vol- 
untarily that  respect  for  superior  judgment,  and  that 
deference  for  more  practical  knowledge,  which  could 
never  have  been  wrested  from  her  by  any  display  of 
insulting  tyranny. 

There  is  much  difference  of  opinion  as  to  how  far  a 
husband  is  bound  to  consult  his  wife's  feelings  and 
inclinations  in  the  minor  matters  of  their  daily  life. 
If  both  are  sensible,  both  loving,  both  conscientious, 
these  things  adjust  themselves  without  any  diflSculty ; 
but,  unfortunately,  this  is  not  always  the  case  —  the 
wife  is  often  ignorant  and  exacting  ;  the  husband  self- 
ish and  unscrupulous.     She  knew  nothing  about  the 


DUTIES   OF  HUSBANDS.  83 

daily  lives  of  men  before  she  married  ;  he  hates  the 
pettiness  and  rigor  of  her  society  conventionalities 

It  seems  impossible  for  her  to  realize  that  there  are 
times  when  a  man  wants  to  be  a  man  among  men  — 
when  he  gets  utterly  sick  of  kid-gloved  regulations, 
and  would  be  glad  to  fraternize  with  the  beasts  of  the 
forest,  were  there  no  other  way  of  getting  out  of  the 
rigidity  of  conventional  life.  Iler  dwarfed  body  and 
soul,  stunted  within  the  sickly  limits  of  fashionable 
boarding-schools,  cannot  understand  this  —  at  least, 
not  at  first ;  and  if  the  husband  has  not  the  sense  to 
be  frank,  truthful,  patient,  and  forbearing,  there  is 
little  chance  for  success  in  their  matrimonial  experi- 
ment. 

It  was  remarked  in  a  previous  chapter  that  the  of- 
fice of  the  wife  would  be  easier  if  the  husband  only 
understood  his  share  of  their  mutual  obligations. 
This  is  quite  as  true  of  the  other  side.  Husbands  err 
almost  as  much  through  ignorant  kindness  as  domi- 
neering cruelty.  They  know  as  little  really  of  wo- 
men as  women  of  men,  and  they  credit  womanhood 
with  the  weaknesses  and  follies  of  custom,  of  bad 
training,  and  imperfect  education. 

The  wife's  demands  and  exactions  are  not  unfre- 
quently  those  of  an  inexperienced  child,  and  these 
are  often  weakly  yielded  to,  while  the  exigencies  and 
necessities  of  a  new  condition  are  unnoticed  or  neg- 
lected. It  is  quite  unnecessary  to  specify  the  meth- 
ods or  the  extent  to  which  it  is  a  husband's  duty  to 


84  FOR  BETTER    OR    WORSE. 

gratify  his  wife's  tastes  and  inclinatious,  even  were  it 
possible  ;  for,  where  there  is  affection,  and  a  conscien- 
tious desire  to  do  right,  the  husband  will  remember 
that  by  marriage  the  wife  separates  herself  to  a  cer- 
tain extent  from  her  former  sources  of  society  and 
enjoyment,  and  recognizing  a  degree  of  responsi- 
bility on  his  own  part  for  her  happiness  and  wel- 
fare, the  details  may  safely  be  left  to  their  united 
judgment  and  discretion. 

I  come  now  to  the  positive  duty  of  the  husband  to 
place  such  part  of  the  income  at  the  disposal  of  his 
wife  as  will  enable  her  to  meet  her  own  and  the  family 
requirements  without  the  necessity  of  asking  him  for 
the  funds  necessary  to  meet  each  separate  item  of  ex- 
penditure. 

Even  if  husbands  generally  met  these  demands  with 
willingness  and  promptitude,  it  would  still  be  humili- 
ating to  the  last  degree  for  the  wife  to  be  subjected 
to  such  petty  surveillance  and  control ;  but  when,  as 
every  one  knows  is  the  fact,  money  is  extracted  from 
many  men  with  as  much  difficulty  as  a  tooth,  the  po- 
sition becomes  simply  intolerable,  and  all  the  worse, 
because  there  is  no  remedy  for  it. 

The  wife,  as  mistress  of  the  household,  must  have 
the  means  and  authority  vested  in  her  hands  ;  and  the 
more  distinctly  and  decidedly  her  responsibility  is  ac- 
knowledged the  better.  If  men  wish  to  do  the  house- 
keeping, then  let  them  do  it,  the  wife  being  fore- 
warned, before  she  becomes  a  wife,  so  that  she  may 


DUTIES  OF  HUSBANDS.     '  85 

be  prepared  to  provide  the  income.  But  if  women 
are  to  properly  fulfil  their  domestic  functions,  men 
must  supply  the  means,  as  they  would  for  any  other 
business  which  required  resources,  and  which  they 
mean  to  aid  in  carrying  on  according  to  their  best 
ability. 

Another  duty  of  the  husband  may  be  mentioned  in 
this  connection,  and  that  is,  as  soon  as  practicable  to 
make  some  provision,  according  to  his  ability,  for  the 
possible  contingency  of  his  death.  Marriage,  as  a 
rule,  not  only  deprives  a  woman  of  the  power  of 
earning  her  own  living  by  outside  labor,  but  makes 
other  and  imperative  demands  upon  her  time  and 
strength.  Moreover,  in  laboring  for  the  physical  ne- 
cessities of  herself  and  others,  she  does  so  with  the 
disadvantage  of  having  to  compete  with  male  labor, 
which,  being  uninterrupted,  obtains  higher  compensa- 
tion, and  with  the  additional  disadvantage  of  having 
her  strength  wasted  by  the  claims  made  upon  her  at 
home  as  well  as  abroad. 

If  men  could  know  the  cruel  straits,  the  little  hu- 
miliations, the  torturing  anxieties  suiJered  by  women 
left  with  children,  and  without  resources,  they  would 
make  it  their  first  care  to  guard  against  even  the  pos- 
sibility of  such  a  contingency. 

Although  men  are  not  less  bound  by  the  dictates 
of  honor  and  conscience  than  women,  yet  they  dislike 
the  sound  of  words  that  imply  restraint,  and  .there- 
fore "  duty  "  has  never  found  favor  with  them.     But 


86  FOR  BETTER    OR    WORSE. 

there  is  nothing  harsh  in  it  after  all ;  it  brings  its  own 
wonderful  compensations  ;  and  we  have  only  the  choice 
of  being  bound  by  our  duty  to  others  or  slavery  to 
ourselves. 

The  duty  of  tlie  husband,  in  short,  involves  nothing 
degrading  ;  it  is  only  one  condition  of  the  perfect 
manhood,  which  it  should  be  the  object  of  all  good 
men  to  attain. 


DUTY  OF  PARENTS.  87 


CHAPTER   IX. 

DUTY  OF   PARENTS. 

Tradition  and  custom,  born  of  a  theological  idea, 
have  combined  to  lay  a  great  deal  of  stress  upon  the 
duty  of  children  to  their  parents,  but  afford  very 
little  insight  into  the  duty  of  parents  to  children  ;  yet 
the  last  is  first  in  order,  and  by  far  the  most  impor- 
tant, inasmuch  as  it  really  involves  and  insures  the 
other. 

The  popular  impression  has  been  that  parents  exer- 
cised proprietary  rights  over  their  children,  but  were 
perfectly  free  from  any  accountability  to  them  —  that 
the  gift  of  life  gave  them  undisputed  power  over  their 
persons,  tastes,  feelings,  affections,  interests,  in  fact, 
over  their  whole  being.  Without  considering  that 
life  is  a  blessing  only  as  it  brings  with  it  the  condi- 
tions necessary  to  development,  the  faculties  required 
for  the  comprehension  of  its  laws,  the  enjoyment  of 
its  sweetest  relations  and  highest  possibilities,  it  has 
been  taught  by  religion  and  morality  that  life  belonged 
to  those  who  gave  it,  firstly  to  God,  secondly  to  the 
parents. 


88  FOR  BETTER   OR    WORSE. 

This  false  primary  position  has  been  the  cause  of 
innumerable  errors  in  physics  and  morals,  as  well  as 
religion.  Parents  have  been  held  wholly  irresponsi- 
ble, while  life  has  been  dedicated  to  God,  who  was 
held  to  be  sole  arbiter  of  it,  and  who  it  was  supposed 
"  gave,"  and  "  took  away,"  in  an  arbitrary,  wholly 
unaccountable,  and  not  to  be  questioned  manner. 

This  idea  was  unworthy  and  subversive  of  the 
Divine  character  and  purposes,  as  it  was  weakening 
and  destructive  to  the  best  interest  of  parents  and 
children.  God  does  not  give  life,  or  any  other  of  his 
gifts,  and  then  hold  the  tenure  in  his  own  hand,  sub- 
ject to  the  action  of  a  capricious  and  irresponsible 
will ;  he  gives  them  into  our  own  keeping,  and  it  is 
only  by  after-knowledge  and  experience  that  we 
discover  that  their  value  and  permanence  are  de- 
pendent upon  certain  conditions,  mainly  within  oui 
control. 

Life  is  a  blessing,  or  a  curse,  according  to  the  con. 
ditions  which  surround  it ;  and  it  is  the  duty  of  those 
who  perpetuate  it,  to  make  it  as  much  as  possible 
the  one,  and  remove  it  as  far  as  possible  from  the 
other. 

From  this  point  of  view,  therefore,  marriage  must 
be  looked  at  not  as  an  act  simply  concerning  two  in- 
dividuals, but  as  one  which  affects  the  happiness  and 
■welfare  of  future  generations.  Thus  the  duty  of 
parents  begins  back  of  marriage  itself,  with  a  knowl- 
edge of,  and  submission  to,  those  circumstances  which 


DUTY  OF  PARENTS.  89 

wisdom  and  experience  teaches  would  entail  misery 
upon  the  as  yet  unborn.  Sparta  became  famous  as  a 
nation  of  heroes,  by  rejecting  the  weak  and  the  imbe- 
cile among  its  progeny,  and  at  once  putting  an  end 
to  their  wretched  little  lives.  America  in  the  twen- 
tieth century  will  improve  upon  that,  by  refusing  to 
vitalize  disease  and  incapacity,  by  ceasing  to  perpetu- 
ate the  weakness,  the  folly,  the  imbecility,  the  wick- 
edness of  preceding  generations. 

Few  men  or  women  think  of  this  when  they  marry. 
Men  follow  where  their  fancies  or  passions  lead  them, 
women  obey  the  cruel  necessities  of  their  social  posi- 
tion ;  but  not  one  but  desires  afterwards,  with  an  in- 
tensity which  oftentimes  swallows  up  all  other  incli- 
nations, to  see  themselves  reproduced  at  their  best. 
Not  in  a  dwarfed,  or  a  distorted  image,  which,  after 
all,  none  can  fail  to  recognize  —  not  one's  self  at  the 
worst,  and  the  weakest,  but  one's  self  supplemented 
by  a  happy  art  of  natui'e,  and  sent  forth  of  the  best 
and  the  noblest ;  complete  in  the  perfect  union  of 
souls,  in\he  harmony  between  the  mind  and  the  body, 
in  the  ease  and  completeness  witli  which  both  perform 
their  oflSce,  in  the  strength  and  symmetry  which 
grows  out  of  right  conditions,  out  of  proper  mutual 
adaptability. 

It  is  a  crime  for  one  person  to  wilfully  maim 
another,  to  wantonly  inflict  an  injury  which  results 
in  loss  of  faculties  or  limb  —  why  shoul-d  it  not  be 
crime  to  force  into  existence   miserable  epitomes  of 


90  FOR  BETTER   OR    WORSE. 

human  beings,  halt,  lame,  blind,  scrofulous  ;  morally 
depraved,  mentally  imbecile,  or  otherwise,  shut  out 
from  all  knowledge  of,  or  sympathy  with  the  best  and 
noblest  part  of  humanity ;  so  dependent  on  the  rest 
of  mankind  for  all  that  nature  requires,  as  to  render 
life  distasteful  to  themselves,  and  a  burden  to  others  ? 

But,  the  child  born,  and  well  born,  the  next  duty  of 
the  parents  is  to  provide  a  home  suited  to  its  proper 
growth  and  development,  and  the  first,  best,  and 
most  needed  quality  of  the  home  is  permanency.  It 
is  not  at  all  necessary  that  it  be  beautiful,  or  luxuri- 
ous, or  located  upon  a  certain  side  of  the  street,  or 
upon  any  street  at  all ;  but  it  is  very  necessary  that 
it  should  be  permanent,  that  it  should  have  an  atmos- 
phere of  security,  and  of  that  serenity  and  repose 
which  grows  out  of  assured  possession.  It  may  have 
very  little  of  external  attraction  in  the  first  place,  but 
it  will  gradually  acquire  the  evidences  of  the  refine- 
ment, culture,  and  best  qualities  of  its  occupants.  A 
permanent  habitation  must  become  an  expression  of 
the  character  of  the  owners ;  it  must  gather  withiu 
itself  unconscious  witnesses  of  the  hearts  that  have 
throbbed,  the  brains  that  have  thought,  the  hands 
that  have  worked  to  produce  it.  The  materials  matter 
not  80  much,  domestic  tyranny  will  make  a  prison  of 
the  mansion  as  well  as  of  the  cottage  ;  domestic  love 
will  make  either  seem  dearer  than  any  spot  on  earth 
beside. 

The  home   provided,  another,  and  most  important 


DUTT  OF  PARENTS.  91 

duty  of  parents,  is  to  give  personal  care  to  the  chil- 
dren. This  naturally  falls  principally  to  the  lot  of  the 
mother;  it  is  hers  "to  bear,  and  to  rear,"  and  no 
change  in  the  social  or  political  aspect  of  things  can 
alter  this  provision  of  Nature  ;  it  is  to  this  work  that 
her  strength  must  always  be  mainly  given.  The 
father's  presence  and  influence,  however,  are  none  the 
less  needed  because  personal  care  is  the  special  prov- 
ince of  the  mother  ;  on  the  contrary,  he  supplies  an 
indispensable  element,  in  his,  generally,  broader  views 
of  lift'  his  greater  acquaintance  with  the  world,  his 
more  practical  aptitudes  and  tastes,  in  addition  to  his 
special  function  of  providing  the  wherewithal  for  their 
comfortable  subsistence. 

I  have  seen  homes,  —  not  the  home  of  the  drunkard, 
or  the  gamester,  or  of  persons  who  had  in  any  way 
ostracized  themselves  from  good  society,  but  of  re- 
spectable men  and  citizens,  pillars  of  churches,  and 
pets  of  fashionable  women,  —  which  never  brightened 
at  their  approach.  Where  the  children  saw  in  it 
only  the  signal  of  cessation  from  their  innocent  games 
and  pleasures,  —  where,  during  the  period  of  the 
father's  stay  in  the  house,  the  whole  family  were  ex- 
pected to  be  on  the  alert,  ready  to  fly  at  his  bidding, 
without  thanks  or  acknowledgment  for  the  service 
rendered,  and  receive  with  silent  submission  the  im- 
patient gesture,  or  the  harsh  reproof  which  sometimes 
came  instead. 

There  are  other  homes,   where,  with  smaller   re- 


92  FOR  BETTER   OR    WORSE. 

sources,  less  of  natural  capacity,  and  fewer  social  ad- 
vantages, there  is  vastly  more  happiness,  simply  be- 
cause there  is  less  seltishness,  and  a  better  realization 
of  duty.  In  such  homes  the  coming  of  the  father  is 
anticipated  with  delight,  the  hours  of  his  stay  are  the 
holiday  part  of  the  day,  and  his  participation  in  their 
reading,  in  their  studies,  in  their  pleasures,  stimulates 
their  faculties,  and  relieves  the  mother  for  a  time  from 
responsibility. 

It  is  a  great  advantage  when  parents  can  make  the 
home  of  their  children  in  the  country ;  it  lightens  their 
cares  infinitely,  and  provides  the  influences  for  body 
and  mind,  which  are  so  much  needed  to  lay  a  right 
foundation  for  the  future. 

As  soon  as  possible,  the  child  should  pass  from  the 
house  to  the  garden,  and  thence  to  the  barn,  and  the 
stable,  the  hen-coop,  and  the  rabbit-hutch.  Their  first 
acquaintance  should  be  with  Nature,  in  its  animate 
and  inanimate  forms ;  with  the  grass,  the  trees,  the 
flowers,  the  broad  meadows,  and  the  distant  hills ; 
with  those  objects,  in  short,  which  convey  the  liveliest 
impressions  of  this  new  and  strange  world  into  which 
they  have  come,  and  of  whose  life  they  now  form  a 
part. 

Years  afterwards  they  will  want  to  participate  in 
the  active  life  of  men  and  women.  All  the  human 
voices  in  their  souls  will  cry  out  for  companionship ; 
but  for  the  first  years  of  a  child's  life,  mother  love, 
father  care,  the  society  of  the  woods,  the  fields,  the 


DUTY  OF  PARENTS.  93 

birds,  the  insects,  and  all  the  natural  interests,  and 
charms  of  out-door  life,  will  better  form  a  j'oung* 
mind,  and  cultivate  the  child's  heart,  than  if  passed 
amid  all  the  splendors  and  pleasures  wealth  can 
procure. 

No  greater  misfortune  can  befall  a  little  life  than  to 
be  thrust  upon  the  world  at  such  a  height  that  its  ex- 
istence is  necessarily  an  isolated  one.  Separated  from 
its  natui'al  protectors,  consigned  to  hirelings,  debarred 
from  contact  with  all  that  is  sweet,  and  gracious,  and 
tender,  obliged  to  see  with  other's  eyes,  hear  with 
other's  ears,  and  speak  with  other's  tongue. 

Many  fathers  have  crushed  all  the  beauty  and  hap- 
piness out  of  their  own  lives  and  those  of  their  chil- 
dren by  their  anxiety  to  save  money  for  them.  Money, 
which  they  fondly  hoped  would  redeem  them  from  the 
necessity  of  toil,  and  enable  them  to  take  their  place 
beside  others  whose  fortune  and  position  they  envied, 
but  which  only  held  a  lamp  to  the  glaring  defects  of 
early  education  and  habits,  and  finally  plunged  them 
into  excesses  which  shortened  life,  and  laid  them  in 
unhonored  graves. 

How  to  use  money  is  more  a  matter  of  education, 
habit,  experience,  thought,  and  culture,  than  how  to 
obtain  it ;  and  the  person  who  has  been  shut  out  from 
the  broader  fields  of  human  intelligence,  who  has  led 
a  narrow,  meagre,  sordid  life,  with  no  interest  in  it 
but  the  single  one  of  making  and  saving  money,  will 
find  that  when  it  is  in  his  hands  it  has  no  value  for 


94  FOR  BETTER   OR    WORSE. 

him  ;  he  does  not  knoAV  what  to  do  with  it.  The  fine 
house  it  would  buy  would  be  a  pi'ison  to  him,  the 
servants  it  would  hire  would  be  so  many  mouths  to 
feed,  so  many  bodies  to  clothe.  The  dainties  upon 
which  he  could  feed  have  less  attraction  than  the  food 
to  which  he  is  accustooled.  And  as  for  books  and 
pictures,  the  difference  to  him  is  simply  that  of  frame 
and  binding.  No  money  wrested  from  the  clutch  of 
a  dead  man's  fingers  can  make  amends  for  wrongs 
done  his  family  during  his  lifetime,  and  the  first  and 
greatest  of  these  wrongs  is  the  neglect  to  supply  them 
with  the  means  for  the  proper  development  and  exer- 
cise of  all  their  faculties. 

A  cheerful,  well-ordered  home,  simple  in  its  sur- 
roundings, but  abundant  in  its  intellectual  and  social 
resources,  and  an  education  fitted  to  position  and 
capacity,  are  the  best  investments  that  parents  can 
make  for  their  children,  and  are  absolutely  sure  of  a 
return.  A  fortune  is  an  almost  certain  impediment 
to  high  mental  or  moral  achievement ;  but  an  un- 
blemished name,  character  for  honorable  enterprise, 
the  associations  of  harmonious  family  life,  and  of  high 
intelligence  and  culture,  are  sources  of  a  pure  and 
life-long  satisfaction,  and  confer  distinction  as  much 
beyond  that  of  mere  money  as  the  star  is  beyond  the 
gaslight. 

The  plain  duty  of  parents,  therefore,  is  to  secure 
this  positive  good  to  their  children  first,  and  rest  con- 
tent iu  the  knowledge,  that  if  fortune  should  then 


DUTY  OF  PARENTS.  95 

Bhower  her  favors  upon  them,  they  would  at  least 
know  how  to  use  them  to  advantage. 

An  idea  that  their  children  belong  to  them,  is  a 
very  common  error  of  parents,  and  particularly  of 
some  fathers.  They  have  been  accustomed  to  look 
upon  everything  in  the  spirit  of  "  I,"  and  "  mine  ;  " 
and  that  they  have  a  moral  and  perfectly  legitimate 
right  to  control  the  destiny,  so  far  as  they  can,  of  the 
children  whom  they  claim  as  their  own,  they  have  not 
a  moment's  doubt. 

The  idea,  of  course,  is  an  absurd  one,  bom  of  their 
egotism,  but  it  does  a  vast  amount  of  mischief,  and 
has  crushed  hope  and  aspiration  out  of  many  a  young 
heart. 

The  truth  is,  our  children  are  individuals  like  our- 
selves. They  do  not  belong  to  us,  but  to  the  hu- 
manity of  which  they  form  a  part ;  they  are  here,  or 
ought  to  be,  to  perform  certain  work,  and  it  is  simply 
the  duty  of  parents  to  provide  for  them  in  their  help- 
lessness, and  fit  them  to  execute  that  work. 

If  they  have  done  all  their  duty  ;  if  they  have 
given  to  them  a  sound  mind  in  a  sound  body  ;  if 
they  have  surrounded  them  with  healthful  physical 
and  mental  conditions  ;  if  they  have  stimulated  ac- 
tivity, and  a  free  and  full  development  of  all  their 
faculties,  instead  of  narrowing  them  down  to  their 
prejudices,  and  repressing  their  natural  instincts  and 
most  innocent  devices  by  an  exercise  of  arbitrary  will, 
there  is  no  doubt  of  the  final  result  —  of  the  satisfac- 


96  FOR  BETTER    OR    WORSE. 

tion  of  the  parent,  and  the  influence  for  good  upon  the 
future,  which  he  will  exercise  through  his  offspring. 

The  development  of  the  faculties,  it  must  be  remem- 
bered, is  not  confined  to  simply  letting  them  grow  — 
it  involves  direction,  and  putting  them  to  use.  No 
young  man,  or  young  woman,  whatever  their  social 
position,  ought  to  be  allowed  to  reach  the  age  of 
twenty  years  without  having  been  taught  how  to  earn 
a  livelihood,  without  having  acquired  some  practical 
knowledge  which  would  enable  them  to  stand  upright 
in  the  world,  without  fear  or  favor,  and  carve  their 
own  way  through  it  if  need  be.  Parents  cannot  se- 
cure the  continued  possession  of  riches  to  their  chil- 
dren, but  they  can  place  them  in  possession  of  some- 
thing better  than  money,  —  of  an  education  and  train- 
ing that  will  enable  them  to  use  their  own  powers, 
and  rely  in  any  emergency  upon  their  own  resources. 
There  is  a  spirit  of  restlessness  in  this  country,  which 
has  heretofore  been  very  unfavorable  to  the  establish- 
ment of  permanent  homes,  and  which  has  been  fostered 
and  greatly  stimulated  by  the  rapid  growth  and  de- 
velopment which  compels  so  many  social  changes. 

The  desire  to  try  new  fields  of  activity  and  enter- 
prise is  not  surprising  in  the  descendants  of  a  migra- 
tory race,  and  success  invariably  brings  with  it  the 
desire  to  give  the  world  evidence  of  the  fact,  in  an  im- 
proved style  of  living.  This  is  all  natural  and  right 
enough,  and  would  be  relieved  of  many  of  its  worst 
features,  if  parents  realized  a  duty,  in  the  first  place, 


DUTY  OF  PARENTS.  %*\ 

in  providing  an  attractive  home,  and  subordinated 
other  ideas  to  it. 

But,  unfortunately,  the  large  number  realize  no 
^duty  in  the  case  at  all.  If  food  and  shelter  are  pro- 
vided, it  is  considered  sufficient ;  the  rest  is  a  matter 
for  their  convenience,  selfishness,  avarice,  or  ambition 
to  determine. 

A  home,  whose  associations  were  all  pleasant  and 
harmonious,  would  be  likely  to  retain  its  hold  upon 
the  affections  of  its  occupants,  and  they  would  just  as 
naturally  gravitate  to  it  in  later  life  as  the  needle  to 
the  pole.  Parents  cannot  expect,  and  should  not, 
that  their  children  will  always  remain  with  them,  nor 
do  they  generally  desire  it.  But  in  such  a  matter 
they  should  consult  the  interests  of  their  children,  not 
their  own,  unless  it  happen,  as  it  sometimes  does, 
that  what  is  the  interest  of  one  is  the  interest  of 
both. 

Undoubtedly,  if  parents  recognized  more  fully  their 
obligations  towards  their  children,  constructed  the 
family  more  upon  the  principle  of  community  of  inter- 
ests, and  less  upon  the  system  of  despotic  authority 
and  arbitrary  appropriation,  families  would  remain 
more  together,  and  realize  to  some  extent  that  dream 
of  unity  which  is  the  hope  of  so  many  good  men  and 
women. 

Let  us  at  least  work,  and  pray  that  it  may  be  so. 
We  live  in  an  age  of  such  rapid  material  progress, 
that  victories  over  selfishness,  cruelty,  and  the  base 
7 


98  F^OR  BETTER   OR    WORSE. 

spirit  of  gain,  sink  into  insignificance  beside  the  con- 
quests achieved  over  masses  of  inert  matter.  Rail- 
roads must  be  built,  and  new  sources  of  wealth 
opened,  whether  families  thrive  or  not.  No  one  stops 
to  think  of  the  kind  of  citizens  they  are  preparing  to 
take  care  of,  and  enjoy  all  this  material  wealth  and 
prosperity.  Men  take  infinite  pains  to  improve  their 
breed  of  horses  j  they  provide  costly  stables,  and  ex- 
pensive grooms,  they  select  the  air  most  favorable  to 
their  health  and  growth,  they  construct  their  enclo- 
sures with  exact  reference  to  their  needs  and  habits, 
and  gauge  the  condition  of  perfect  production  with 
all  the  accuracy  of  a  mathematical  calciilation. 

But  how  is  it  with  the  human  product,  which  is  of 
such  infinitely  greater  importance?  No  attention  is 
paid  to  conditions  at  all  —  it  is  a  mere  matter  of  acci- 
dent, the  responsibility  being  conveniently  laid  upon 
the  shoulders  of  Providence,  which  has  exactly  the 
same  to  do  with  it,  and  no  more,"  that  it  has  with  the 
breeding  of  any  other  animals  —  that  is  to  say,  cer- 
tain laws  are  provided  for  the  regulation  of  such  mat- 
ters, and  as  far  as  they  are  complied  with,  the  result 
is  certain.  If  it  were  not  so  —  if  we  were  the  sub- 
jects of  a  capricious  will,  the  world,  with  its  wheels 
within  wheels,  could  not  exist. 

So  universal  is  the  action  of  these  natural  laws, 
that  parents  can  no  longer  escape  the  resposibility  of 
their  own  acts.  If  they  bring  children  into  the  world, 
they  are  morally  bound,  and  should  be  legally,  to 


DUTY  OF  PARENTS.  99 

surround  them  with  the  conditions  favorabhj  to  life 
and  health.  Personal  care  is  what  is  needed  on  the 
part  of  the  parents,  and  tlie  example  of  true,  pure 
lives  which  round  out  into  the  fulfilment  of  our 
dream  of  perfect  manhood,  of  noble  womanhood. 


fe. 


100  FOR  BETTER   OR    WORSE. 


CHAPTER    X. 

MARRIAGE   AS   A    PARTNERSHIP. 

The  great  changes  which  have  taken  place  within 
the  past  few  years,  the  increased  cost  of  living,  the 
rapid  growth  of  luxury,  and  the  necessities  resulting 
from  the  crowded  state  of  the  great  cities,  have  con- 
tributed to  a  very  material  altei'ation  in  the  social  con- 
dition of  the  women  of  this  country,  and  to  the  ad- 
vancement of  many  theories  calculated  to  relieve  men 
of  the  burden  of  exclusive  maintenance,  and  charge 
it  partly  upon  women. 

This  idea  is  repugnant  to  the  generous  and  chival- 
ric  tone  of  the  American  character,  but  is  beginning 
to  find  currency  from  the  pi-essure  of  the  times,  the 
admiration  felt  for  English  literature  and  English  ideas, 
and  the  controlling  influence  which  the  presence  of  a 
great  foreign  element,  of  less  liberal  habits  and  opin- 
ions, exerts  among  us. 

America  has  heretofore,  and  to  some  extent  truly, 
been  called  the  "  paradise  "  of  women.  Here  they 
have  generally  received  not  only  courteous  and  con- 
siderate treatment,  but  a  certain  deferential  homage, 


MARRIAGE  AS  A   PARTNERSHIP.  IQI 

all  the  more  graceful  on  the  part  of  those  who  paid 
it,  because  it  was  a  tribute  to  weakness,  instead  of 
being  exacted  by  strength. 

Men  ordinary  in  other  respects  became  brave,  heroic; 
knightly,  and  tender  in  their  relations  to  women.  Men 
coarse  and  rude  to  each  other  became  polite  to  women, 
old  as  well  as  young,  because  they  were  women, 
and  men  of  all  classes  found  their  pleasure  in  saving 
their  wives,  mothers,  and  sisters  from  hardships,  and 
promoting  their  comfort  by  every  means  in  their 
power. 

Straws  show  which  way  the  wind  blows  ;  and  the 
change  in  the  behavior  of  men,  calling  tliemsclves 
gentlemen,  on  the  street  cars,  and  in  other  public  con- 
veyances, towards  women,  affords  evidence  of  the 
truth,  that  influences  are  at  work  to  destroy  the  little 
prestige  which  has  served  as  some  compensation  for 
the  loss  to  women  of  the  free  and  independent  exist- 
ence which  naturally  belongs  to  n>en. 

Superficial  people  say,  the  fault  is  in  women  them- 
selves ;  that  they  have  grown  discourteous,  and  no 
longer  acknowledge  favors  conferred.  But  this  is 
false  ;  and  if  it  were  true,  would  be  no  excuse  for  a 
want  of  gentlemanly  conduct  on  the  part  of  men.  It 
is  not  necessary  for  men  to  resign  all  their  rights  and 
privileges  to  women  in  public  conveyances,  or  any- 
where else,  but  there  are  many  reasons  why  women 
are  less  able  to  endure  physical  fatigue  than  men,  and 
a  considerate  man  will  remember  this,  and  save  women 
umecessary  suffering  by  every  means  in  his  power. 


102  FOR  BETTER  OR    WORSE. 

It  is  notorious  that  upon  the  ferry-boats  which  ply 
between  New  York  and  its  suburbs,  women  can  hardly 
get  a  seat  in  the  cabius  devoted  to  their  accommoda- 
tion. To  avoid  the  smoke  and  reeking  atmosphere 
of  what  is  called  the  "  Gentlemen's  "  cabin,  men  flock 
into  the  "  Ladies'  "  cabin,  appropriate  the  seats,  and 
allow  women  to  stand  beside  Ihem,  in  front  of  them, 
and  around  them,  without  moving  an  inch. 

Such  acts  of  discourtesy  pave  the  way  very  naturally 
for  the  English  idea  of  marriage  as  a  business  partner- 
ship, to  which  the  wife  shall  contribute  her  share  of 
the  common  expenditure. 

And,  indeed,  at  first  sight,  such  an  arrangement 
seems  by  no  means  an  unjust  one.  To  the  English 
mind  it  is  not  only  equitable,  but  highly  honorable 
and  praiseworthy. 

The  English,  it  must  bo  remembered  (I  speak  of 
the  masses),  are  only  just  emerging  from  barbarism 
as  regards  women.  Among  the  poorer  classes,  the 
women  labor  universally,  in  addition  to  performing 
their  domestic  duties ;  and  when  I  say  the  poorer 
classes,  I  do  not  mean  the  very  poor,  but  respectable 
tradesmen,  shopkeepers,  clerks,  and  the  junior  mem- 
bers of  the  professions  ;  and  as,  until  very  recently. 
Englishmen  could,  and  usually  did,  appropriate  their 
wives'  earnings,  it  is  considered,  and  really  is  a  mark 
of  commendable  progress,  that  they  should  have  been 
allowed  to  exercise  the  right  of  control  over  their 
earnings,  and  disburse  the  same  for  themselves 


MARRIAGE  AS  A  PARTNERSHIP.  103 

The  weakness  of  the  argument,  —  the  injustice  of 
a  mere  business  arrangement  as  existing  between 
husband  and  wife,  —  lies  just  here  :  in  the  enormous 
difference  between  their  respective  physical  and  do- 
mestic liabilities. 

Marriage  ought  to  be  a  partnership  in  the  truest 
and  best  sense  of  the  term,  but  it  can  never  be  justly 
a  partnership  in  a  pecuniary  sense  —  that  is  to  say, 
in  the  sense  which  demands  from  the  wife  a  money 
contribution  to  the  domestic  fund,  in  addition  to  her 
risk  and  her  cares  as  wife  and  mother. 

But  it  may  be  charged  that  women  are  not  faithful 
in  the  performance  of  their  duties  as  wives  and 
mothers.  Who  told  you  they  were  not?  Look 
around  upon  your  friends  and  acquaintances,  and 
count  upon  your  fingers  the  derelict  wives  and 
mothers.  To  one  who  is  fashionable  and  frivolous, 
and  neglectful  of  her  duties,  you  will  find  ten  who  ac- 
complish the  work  of  two  persons,  either  as  maid  of 
all  work  in  addition  to  wife  and  mother,  or  by  outside 
labor  in  addition  to  domestic  responsibility  that  can- 
not be  got  rid  of. 

Moreover,  what  motive  is  presented  to  women  to 
induce  them  to  be  good  wives  and  mothers,  beyond 
their  own  natural  affection  and  instincts  ?  None  at 
all.  Under  the  present  system,  the  more  exemplary  a 
woman  is,  the  less  compensation  and  acknowledgment 
she  receives  ;  while  heart.lessness  and  extravagance 
obtain  their  own  terms,  and,  if  accompanied  by  per- 
sonal charms,  are  not  only  excused,  but  applauded. 


104  FOR  BETTER   OR    WORSE. 

Is  not  this  all  wrong  ?  Does  not  the  woman  who 
bears  children,  who  cares  for  them,  who  superintends 
the  household,  earn  her  share  of  the  income  ?  and  is 
she  not  entitled  to  a  voice  in  its  disposition,  just  as 
well  as  the  man  ?  In  this  sense,  as  well  as  upon  the 
higher  basis  of  mutual  confidence  and  affection,  mar- 
riage should  be  a  partnership  in  which  both  should 
claim  equal  rights,  on  the  ground  of  equal  though 
different  duties. 

As  it  is  at  present,  marriage  is  too  often  a  mere 
game  of  cross-purposes  and  conflict  of  opposing  in- 
terests. The  husband  looks  upon  the  wife  as  a  neces- 
sary domestic  invention,  to  be  managed  as  cheaply 
as  possible  ;  she  upon  him  as  a  selfish,  appropri- 
ative  creature,  who  must  be  conciliated,  but  whom 
she  is  perfectly  justified  in  hoodwinking  and  de- 
ceiving. This  creates  a  domestic  atmosphere  in 
which  few  of  the  virtues  can  thrive,  and  the  influence 
of  which  extends  far  beyond  the  household  in  which 
it  originates. 

It  is  true  that  marriage,  imperfect  as  it  is,  has  been, 
and  is  still,  though  less  than  formerly,  desired  by 
women,  but  it  is  simply  because  they  have  had  no 
other  resource.  Without  it  they  have  been  shut  out 
from  position,  from  society,  from  participation  in  the 
commonest  pleasures  and  enjoyments  of  social  life,  and 
from  all  prospect  of  achieving  for  themselves  a  home 
for  the  future.  The  needle,  or  employment  in  a  fam- 
ily, were  the  only  resources  by  which  women  could 


MARRIAGE  AS  A   PARTNERSHIP.         105 

obtain  a  livelihood,  and  are  still  the  dependeuce  of 
nine  tenths  of  those  who  work  for  their  living. 

The  aspect  of  affairs  has  very  materially  altered, 
however  ;  these  are  no  longer  the  only  resources. 
The  pen,  the  medical  college,  the  artist's  brush,  and 
the  draughtsman's  pencil,  have  already  released  many 
women  from  drudgery,  and  opened  the  path  to  her  of 
an  honorable  independence. 

More  gratifying  and  encouraging  still  is  the  fact 
that  women  are  beginning  to  lose  their  timidity,  and 
seek  the  rewards  of  business  skill  and  enterprise. 
Most  of  the  large  millinery  and  dressmaking  estab- 
lishments are  carried  on  by  women,  but  we  have,  in 
addition,  women  as  prosperous  proprietors  of  men's 
and  women's  furnishing  goods,  of  ladies'  hair-dress- 
ing and  hair-making  saloons,  of  fruit  and  canning 
stores,  of  restaurants,  of  dry  goods  and  clothing 
houses,  and  rpore  than  one  in  the  city  of  New  York 
has  made  a  fortune  in  the  purchase  and  sale  of  real 
estate. 

A  possibility  of  achievement  as  the  reward  of  her 
own  exertions  will  soon  make  the  mere  name  of  wife, 
without  freedom  of  action  or  equality  of  position,  very 
undesirable  to  clever,  intelligent  women  ;  and  if  a  man 
wishes  to  secure  a  companion  for  himself,  and  a  good 
and  creditable  mother  for  his  children,  he  must  offer 
greater  inducements  than  the  chances  of  the  shelter 
and  table  he  may  be  willing  to  provide,  and  the  dress, 
not  a  costly  one,  and  the  shoes,  not  dear  ones  (no 


106  FOR  BETTER   OR    WORSE. 

mention  made  of  stockings),  which  a  grave  court  re- 
cently decided  a  woman  may  claim  of  her  husband. 

Worse  than  this,  hunger,  starvation,  nakedness,  she 
may  be  willing,  nay,  happy,  to  share  with  him  —  but 
it  must  be  with  the  understanding,  that  if  better  falls 
to  their  lot,  she  has  a  right  to  a  share  in  that  also  — 
not  the  grudged  right  of  the  tolerated  dependent,  but 
the  free  right  of  an  equal  partner  in  the  firm,  who, 
knowing  its  resources,  and  acting  in  concert,  or  being 
willing  to  be  guided  by  its  business  manager,  shares 
cheerfully  its  losses,  or  enjoys  making  her  own  dispo- 
sition of  some  portion  of  its  gains. 

Undoubtedly,  a  certain  value  is  attached  to  the  ma- 
ternal function  —  but  nowhere  is  so  little  considera- 
tion attached  to  it  as  in  the  family,  and  by  husbands, 
at  least  so  far  as  their  wives  are  concerned.  The 
bearing  of  a  child  involves  a  long  period  of  incon- 
venience, and  more  or  less  of  suffering  ;  it  involves 
that  mortal  agony  which  is  all  the  human  system 
can  endure,  and  live ;  it  involves  a  future  of  un- 
ceasing watchfulness  and  care.  Is  all  this  worth 
nothing  ?  It  ought  to  be  the  best  paid  work  in  the 
world. 

But  have  women  no  interest  in  children  for  their 
own  sakcs  1  Certainly  they  have,  but  it  is  not  unnat- 
urally weakened  by  the  unequal  demands  made  upon 
them.  Men  have  nothing  to  dread  with  reference  to 
children,  no  physical  risks  or  suffering,  no  sacrifice 
of  personal  comfort  or  pleasure.     If  they  "  take  the 


MARRIAGE  AS  A   PARTNERSHIP.         IQT 

babj,"  it  is  as  a  plaything  to  amuse  an  idle  moment, 
not  as  a  duty  to  wliicli  cvcrj'^  other  consideration  must 
give  way.  From  women,  the  sufifering  and  sacriQce 
both  are  required,  and  the  modern  theory  is,  that  they 
must  aid  in  the  support  of  their  children  besides, 
without  thinking  it  any  hardship. 

There  is  no  objection  to  men  and  women  entering 
into  a  business  partnership  any  more  than  there  could 
be  to  two  men  sustaining  the  same  relation,  but  it 
ought  in  that  case  to  be  a  mere  business  contract,  into 
which  the  idea  of  children  or  household  should  not 
enter.  The  moment  a  woman  becomes  wife,  she  as- 
sumes the  liability  of  being  a  mother,  — a  responsibility 
which  unfits  her  for  properly  discharging  business  ob- 
ligations. If  no  pecuniary  value  is  attached  to  this 
function,  and  its  weight  of  work  and  cares,  it  leaves 
her  in  a  perfectly  helpless  condition,  wholly  depend- 
ent, and  therefore  wholly  subordinate  to  the  will  and 
desire  of  her  husband. 

It  is  time  that  this  condition  of  things  were  changed. 
Let  the  idle,  the  frivolous,  the  weak,  continue  to  ac- 
cept for  themselves  the  doubtful  shelter,  the  grudged 
food,  the  reluctant  clothing ;  but  the  women  of  thought 
and  brain,  who  have  the  courage  and  capacity  to 
carve  out  their  own  way,  if  need  be,  and  whose  pres- 
ence and  affection  should  prove  the  most  powerful  in- 
centive to  deeds  worthy  of  an  exalted  manhood,  need 
not,  and  ought  not,  to  accept  so  humiliating  a  posi- 
tion. 


108  FOR  BETTER   OR  WORSE. 

As  a  condition  of  marriage,  let  them  demand  per- 
fect equality,  — equality  of  claim  upon  the  income,  in 
acknowledgment  of  the  value  of  the  wifely  and  motherly 
function,  equality  of  right  in  the  disposition  of  it,  as 
a  return  for  the  time  spent,  and  labor  performed  in 
the  disc^rge  of  obligations  which  unGt  them  for 
other,  and,  possibly,  more  congenial  employments. 

When  this  principle  of  equality  and  unity  of  inter- 
ests is  acted  upon,  there  will  be  a  beauty,  harmony, 
and  perfection  in  married  life,  such  as  it  has  never  yet 
known.  Neither  will  it  produce  the  social  and  do- 
mestic revolutions  that  so  many  anticipate.  The  fam- 
ily relations,  the  character  of  women,  the  race  of  chil- 
dren, will  be  improved.  Knowing  that  they  have  a 
voice  and  a  stake  in  the  business  concerns  of  the  fam- 
ily, women  will  learn  to  practice  a  wise  economy,  and, 
while  leaving  the  general  management  of  outside  af- 
fairs to  the  proper  head  of  that  department,  will,  by 
their  prudence  and  insight,  avert  many  of  the  most 
disastrous  consequences  of  business  schemes  and  spec- 
ulations. 

If  men  are  not  prepared  for  this,  let  good  women, 
capable  women,  renounce  marriage  altogether,  and 
courageously  determine  to  work  out  for  themselves  a 
destiny  which,  if  deprived  of  privileges  shared  in 
common  with  the  humblest  of  their  species,  is  also  free 
from  humiliation,  from  the  fear  of  perpetuating  an  im- 
perfect race,  and  glorious  in  its  possibilities  of  per- 
sonal achievement. 


MARRIAGE  AS  A   MISTAKE.  109 


CHAPTER  XI. 

MARRIAGE   AS   A   MISTAKE. 

It  will  not  be  denied  by  any  candid  person,  who 
has  had  opportunities  for  observation,  that  vast  num- 
bers of  the  married,  both  men  and  women,  consider 
their  own  matrimonial  essay  as  the  great  mistake  of 
their  lives.  Either  they  wish  they  had  never  married 
at  all,  or  that  they  had  married  some  other  person  ; 
and  what  to  do  under  these  circumstances  is  the  prob- 
lem which  is  shaking  modem  society  to  its  centre. 

Undoubtedly,  one  of  the  causes  of  mistaken  mar- 
riages is  the  very  freedom  to  marry  anybody,  which 
exists  in  this  country,  and  is  popularly  supposed  to 
be  a  protection  against  them.  Girls  of  sixteen,  and 
boys  of  twenty,  rarely  marry  the  persons  they  would 
select  at  twenty  and  twenty-five,  and  the  habit  of  indul- 
gence which  induces  parents  to  yield  to  the  first  matri- 
monial wishes  of  a  beloved  daughter  has  in  thousands 
of  instances  sealed  her  misery.  Cause  the  second, 
on  the  part  of  girls,  is  the  desire  to  escape  the  re- 
sponsibility of  providing  for  themselves,  the  belief 
that  marriage  gives  them  immunity  from  labor,  or,  at 


110  FOR  BETTER   OR  WORSE. 

any  rate,  that  it  provides  them  with  a  kind  of  labor 
which  the  world  recognizes  as  no  barrier  to  social  po- 
sition, and  to  which  no  responsibility  of  livelihood  is 
attached.  The  dreadful  mistake  involved  in  this  girl- 
ish view  of  marriage,  women  are  daily  learning  more 
and  more  to  appreciate.  The  temptations  to  a  mis- 
take in  marriage  present  themselves  with  much  less 
importance  to  a  man,  his  chances  of  securing  by 
patient  waiting  the  hoped-for  prize  are  much  greater, 
and  the  consequences  of  his  mistake  are  infinitely 
less  disastrous  to  his  individual  happiness  and  pros- 
perity than  to  those  of  the  woman. 

It  is  folly  to  say  that  suflrage,  and  the  new  order 
of  things  for  women,  will  remedy  all  this  —  it  will 
not.  So  long  as  women  bear  the  children,  they  will 
be  more  or  less  dependent  upon  men,  and  men  must 
still  do  the  out-door  work  of  the  world,  with  only  the 
requisite  number  of  exceptions  to  prove  the  rule. 
Moreover,  at  present,  we  have  not  the  suffrage,  and 
the  world  goes  on  very  much  as  it  did,  exacting  the 
pound  of  flesh  from  those  who  make  an  unwise  con- 
tract, and  showing  less  mercy  than  the  Venetian  law, 
for  it  not  unfrequently  takes  the  heart's  blood  with  it. 

A  short  time  since,  a  married  man  and  woman 
eloped  together.  Six  weeks  afterwards,  the  man  sent 
for  his  former  wife  and  the  children  whom  he  had  de- 
serted, to  join  him  in  a  town  at  a  distance  from  his 
previous  residence.  They  gladly  went  to  him.  At 
the  same  time,  the  woman,  abandoned,  utterly  with- 


MA  n HI  AGE  AS  A   MISTAKE.  HI 

out  means,  returned  stealthily  to  her  lawful  husband, 
and  begged  to  be  allowed  to  fill  her  old  place  at  l)ome. 
But  he  had  already  taken  steps  to  procure  a  divorce, 
and  he  refused  to  receive,  or  even  allow  her  to  see  her 
children,  a  "  proper  "  and  dignified  course  of  conduct, 
which  press  and  public  applauded. 

Without  going  far  into  the  merits  of  this  case,  — 
without  inquiring  how  far  a  man's  social  and  business 
position  is  compromised  by  moral  delinquency,  and  it 
certainly  is  more  or  less  afibcted,  if  it  is  found  out,  — it 
is  easy  to  see  that  men  have  an  immense  advantage, 
an  advantage  which  no  theorizing  and  no  voting  can 
ever  entirely  do  away  with. 

With  this  advantage  already  existing  upon  the  male 
side,  one  is  at  a  loss  to  imagine  why  certain  cham- 
pions of  women's  rights  advocate  "  free  divorce,"  as 
this  would  immeasurably  increase  it,  and  deprive  wo- 
men of  the  little  chance  in  marriage  w^hich  they  now 
have. 

If  they  should  advocate  celibacy  for  women  until 
law  and  custom  had  established  equality  in  marriage 
relations,  one  could  understand  it,  and  it  would  com- 
mend itself  to  a  vast  number  of  the  thinking  and  in- 
telligent part  of  the  sex.  But  free  divorce  I  A  suc- 
cession of  matrimonial  mistakes,  and  such  a  muddle 
as  naturally  follows  upon  this  solution  of  the  difficulty, 
would  hardly  be  an  improvement  upon  the  present 
state  of  thiug'B. 

A  mistake  in  marriage  being  so  much  more  serious 


112  FOR  BETTER   OR  WORSE. 

for  women  than  for  men,  one  would  naturally  think 
they  would  exercise  greater  caution  in  taking  so  im- 
portant a  step.  But,  on  the  contrary,  for  the  reason 
before  mentioned,  namelj',  to  escape  the  responsibility 
of  their  own  livelihood,  they  are  willing  to  take  all 
sorts  of  risks  ;  marry  without  love  men  not  unfre- 
quently  inferior  to  themselves,  and  carry  a  burden 
and  secret  consciousness  of  failure  forever.  I  have 
in  my  mind  at  this  moment  a  bright,  intelligent,  ac- 
complished girl,  who  through  family  misfortunes  be- 
came a  school-teacher  in  a  country  district.  She  had 
all  the  qualifications  for  a  first-class  instructress,  and 
might,  step  by  step,  have  achieved  an  honored  posi- 
tion, if,  like  a  young  man  under  the  same  circum- 
stances, she  had  started  with  the  intention  of  doing 
her  best,  and  earning  a  permanent  livelihood.  But 
no,  she  was  always  looking  for  the  prince  who  was  to 
come  and  take  her  out  of  her  hard,  tedious  life.  She 
found  nothing  ennobling  in  the  weary  round  of  school 
duties.  She  despised  the  people  among  whom  she 
lived,  and  simply  waited  morbidly  and  repiningly  for 
the  burden  of  her  existence  to  be  lifted  from  her  own 
shoulders,  and  borne  by  some  one  else.  The  prince  did 
not  come,  he  so  rarely  does,  but  a  rather  coarse  and 
ignorant  young  farmer  did.  Uneducated,  brought  up 
amid  meagre  surroundings,  with  narrow  ideas,  he  was 
the  last  person  in  whom  a  refined,  sensitive  woman 
could  expect  to  find  sympathy  or  companionship.  Yet 
she  married  him.    Why  ?    Ask  almost  the  first  woman 


MARRIAGE  AS  A  MISTAKE.  113 

you  meet.     Because  she  was  tired,  tired  of  keeping 
school,  aud  saw  no  other  way  to  get  out  of  it. 

Ten  years  afterwards  she  died  in  a  lunatic  asylum. 

Her  husband  was  not  cruel  to  her,  —  that  is,  he  did 
not  beat  her,  —  but  he  did  not  understand  her,  and 
could  never  see  that  her  life  of  toil  and  drudgery,  in- 
finitely worse  than  teaching  in  the  brown  schoolhouse, 
was  daily  becoming  more  and  more  intolerable  to  her. 
His  mother  had  delved  in  the  back  kitchen,  had  pre- 
pared the  meals  for  the  farm  hands,  had  made  butter 
and  cheese,  had  scrubbed,  cut  carpet-rags,  had  made 
up  coarse  unbleached  muslin  into  shirts,  and  thick 
gray  cloth  into  coats  and  trousers,  for  forty  years 
Why  should  not  his  wife  do  the  same  ? 

He  could  not  realize  that  she  was  not  made  of  the 
same  material,  that  her  whole  nature  was  starved,  and 
that  healthy,  strong,  and  vigorous,  it  refused  to  die,  but 
cried  out  for  sustenance,  for  help,  for  sympathy,  and 
for  power  to  rid  itself  of  its  obnoxious  surroundings. 
Once  only  she  made  an  efibrt  to  change  her  life.  She 
begged  to  be  allowed  to  go  into  the  town,  to  open  a 
millinery,  or  give  music  and  French  lessons,  and  with 
her  own  earnings  pay  a  strong  woman  to  do  the 
housework  at  the  farm.  But  the  outcry  which  this 
proposition  made  among  the  husband's  relatives  was 
fearful.  A  woman,  indeed,  to  do  the  housework ! 
Fine  waste  there  would  be.  Might  as  well  sell  out 
and  go  to  the  poorhouse  at  once.  So  the  poor  wife 
shrunk  back,  afraid  of  the  strength  of  the  storm  she 
8 


114  FOR  BETTER    OR    WORSE. 

had  raised,  and  bore  children  whom  she  wished  im- 
piously might  die,  rather  than  perpetually  mirror  to 
her  her  mistakes  and  her  errors. 

Occasionally  there  was  a  rift  in  the  clouds,  and  it 
was  upon  one  of  these  occasions  I  saw  her.  She  had 
been  invited  to  a  social  gathering,  and  there  were 
present  some  men  and  women  of  unusual  intelligence, 
whose  society  seemed  to  act  as  an  inspiration  to  all 
that  was  best  and  brightest  in  her  nature.  Without 
any  apparent  effort,  she  became  the  centre  of  an  ad- 
miring circle,  and  her  gayety  and  originality  gave  no 
evidence  of  the  trouble  that  was  eating  away  her 
reason  and  her  life. 

I  have  given  this  case  at  length,  because  this  kind 
of  mistake  is  so  common  a  one  among  girls,  and 
was  made  from  so  ordinary  a  motive.  To  be  sure,  it 
rarely  leads  to  such  serious  results  —  few  natures  be- 
ing so  fine  or  so  high-strung  as  to  snap  with  the  ten- 
sion put  upon  them  ;  but  if  they  do  not  break,  they 
must  lose  their  fineness,  and  adjust  themselves  to  a 
lower  key,  and  who  can  tell  how  much  of  suffering  is 
experienced  before  thjjt  result  is  attained  ? 

The  instance  alluded  to  could  never  have  occurred, 
if  the  girl  had  been  brought  up  with  habits  of  self-re- 
liance, and  a  true  knowledge  of  her  own  powers  and 
capacities.  Half  the  effort  which  was  afterwards 
given  to  the  most  menial  and  thankless  drudgery 
would  have  suflBced  to  give  her  means  and  position  of 
her  own  ;  but  she  simply  wished,  like  most  girls,  to 


MARRIAGE  AS  A    MISTAKE.  115 

get  rid  of  the  responsibility.  Boys,  it  is  supposed  by 
girls,  have  a  natural  aptitude  for  earning  their  own 
living,  and  that  of  others.  Not  a  bit  of  it.  This 
is  a  mistake  also.  Boys  are  shoved,  bolstered,  en- 
couraged, drummed  up  to  it.  They  are  made  to  feel 
ashamed  if  they  cannot  earn  a  living,  while  girls  are 
taught  to  feel  ashamed  of  being  able  to  do  so. 

With  all  this  encouragement  on  the  one  hand,  and 
discouragement  on  the  other,  there  are  thousands  of 
boys  and  men  who  are  willing  and  glad  to  accept  help 
from  any  source,  whije  there  are  certainly  as  many 
girls  and  women  who  do  not  need  it,  who,  on  the  con- 
trary, assist  male  relatives  to  keep  afloat,  and  pre- 
serve that  cherished  article  of  their  social  creed,  so 
dear  to  women,  the  respectability  of  the  family. 

Thousands  of  men  obtain  the  credit  of  living  in  good 
style,  of  supporting  families  comfortably,  of  working 
to  pay  milliners'  and  dressmakers'  bills,  who  have 
never  paid  out  more  than  the  very  moderate  sum  left 
after  all  their  own  wants,  wishes,  inclinations,  and  ca- 
prices had  been  attended  to  —  who  have  never  known 
the  whole  cost  of  supporting  a  family  in  their  lives, 
because,  to  eke  out  the  pittance  grudgingly  bestowed, 
the  wife  has  resorted  to  some  one  or  more  of  the  in- 
genious ways  in  which  women  at  once  disguise  and  try 
to  cheat  their  poverty.  I  can  remember  wondering 
how  it  came  that  the  sti'eets  of  New  York  were  lined 
with  fine  houses,  so  much  of  a  size  and  pattern,  and 
never  stopped  pitying  the  men  who  were  shut  up  in 


116  FOR  BETTER    OR    WORSE. 

deus  down  town  all  day,  in  order  to  earn  the  money 
to  support  in  luxury  a  lazy  wife  and  daughters  at 
home.  1  look  at  these  fine  houses  with  different  eyes 
now.  I  know  that  three  fourths  of  them  are  board- 
ing-houses —  that  out  of  each  one  come  every  morn- 
ing nicely  dressed  men,  with  white,  glossy  shirts  and 
collars,  who  leisurely  take  their  way  to  the  nearest 
car  or  omnibus  stand,  and  half  an  hour  afterwards  sit 
back  in  an  easy-chair,  with  their  feet  on  a  table,  chat- 
ting with  a  friend,  —  gossiping  it  would  be  called,  if  it 
was  a  woman,  —  or  reading  the  morning  papers. 

I  can  see  the  interior  of  every  house,  —  they  are  as 
like  as  two  peas,  —  and  in  every  one  there  is  a  tired, 
dragged  woman,  crazed  with  the  necessity  of  "  mak- 
ing both  ends  meet,"  of  making  up  for  the  short-com- 
ings of  insufficient,  undisciplined  servants,  of  satisfy- 
ing her  husband,  of  pleasing  those  "additions" 
to  the  family  —  they  are  not  called  boarders  —  whose 
weekly  contributions  assist  to  pay  the  gas  and  rent, 
and  butchers'  bills,  of  looking  after  the  children,  amid 
all  the  other  multifarious  demands  upon  her  time, 
and  of  finding  beefsteaks  all  tenderloin,  and  chicken 
all  breast.  Is  it  possible  that  such  women  were 
young,  flower-like  girls,  shrinking  from  labor  as  from 
degradation,  and  determined  to  marry  to  be  "  sup- 
ported "  ?  I  do  not  present  this  picture  in  order  to 
deter  girls  from  marriage,  but  simply  to  show  them 
the  sort  of  life  they  so  heedlessly  accept.  But  when 
to  the  daily  drudging  cares  and  anxieties  are  added 


MARRIAGE  AS  A   MISTAKE.  in 

the  knowledge  and  bitter  realization  of  a  "mistake," 
for  which  existence  oifers  no  compensation, —  when  to 
labor  and  care  is  added  the  consciousness  of  crushed 
energies,  of  a  hopeless  future,  of  a  being  linked  with 
incarnate  appetite,  selfishness,  or  habits,  feelings,  con- 
victions, tastes  entirely  different  to  her  own,  what  is 
there  to  live  for  ? 

Domestic  peace,  harmony,  wedded  love,  in  short, 
softens  if  it  docs  not  remove  the  asperities  of  a  com- 
mon lot,  but  average  married  life  without  these  is  bit- 
ter indeed. 

It  is  a  grave  error  to  suppose  that  the  evils  of  mat- 
rimonial mistakes  can  be  cured  by  "  free  divorce," 
even  if  the  social  complications  which  ensue  did  not 
often  render  a  resort  to  this  alternative*  impossible. 
A  better  way  is  the  avoidance  of  the  mistake  at  first. 

Let  girls  be  educated  to  be  patient,  persevering, 
independent,  self-reliant,  and  conscientious;  make 
them  self-supporting  like  boys,  and  proud  of  being  so, 
and  they  will  be  in  no  hurry  to  marry,  and  when  they 
do  marry,  they  will  not  make  mistakes. 

Marriage  does  not  release  girls  from  responsibility  ; 
let  this  fact  be  impressed  upon  them  ;  on  the  contrary, 
it  doubles,  trebles,  and  quadruples  it.  There  are  a 
great  many  men  who  are  incapable  of  taking  the  bur- 
den of  their  own  existence  upon  their  own  shoulders, 
much  less  that  of  wife  and  family,  yet  they  are  often 
the  soonest  to  marry  ;  fools  have  always  rushed  where 
angels  fear  to  tread,  and  always  will. 


118  FOR   BETTER    OR    WORSE. 

Men  find  it  just  as  difiScult  to  pursue  a  steady  occu- 
pation, to  stay  in  one  place,  to  lay  the  foundation  of 
their  success,  as  women ;  the  only  difference  is  that 
they  are  whipped  by  a  sterner  necessity.  Once  a 
woman,  like  a  man,  has  conquered  the  first  obstacles, 
the  chiefest  among  which  is  personal  cowardice  and 
irresolution,  begins  to  feel  a  consciousness  of  power, 
and  see  the  possibility  of  success,  marriage  would 
present  itself  under  an  entirely  new  aspect. 

Young  men  do  not  marry,  because  they  do  not  wish 
to  sacrifice  their  personal  gratifications  to  the  claims 
of  wife  and  children.  A  young  woman,  independent, 
self-reliant,  conscientious,  would  say,  Who  should  I 
marry  ?  1  can  earn  all  I  want,  and  have  no  one  to 
control  me.  Do  I  love  this  man  well  enough  to  re- 
linquish my  independence  in  the  measure  that  a  wife 
must  ?  Should  I  be  happy  in  sacrificing  my  hopes  of 
an  individual  career,  and  devoting  myself  to  the  care 
of  such  a  home  as  he  can  provide,  and  the  rearing 
of  such  children  as  we.  may  reasonably  expect  to  be 
born  of  our  union  ? 

If  she  can  answer  these  questions  satisfactorily  to 
her  own  soul,  then  she  may,  and  ought  to  marry  ;  for 
right  marriage  completes  both  the  man  and  the  woman, 
and  perfects  their  happiness  in  the  same  ratio  that  a 
mistaken  marriage  perverts  and  undermines  all  the 
better  qualities,  destroys  all  chance  of  happiness,  and 
renders  the  last  state  of  that  man  and  woman  infinitely 
worse  than  the  first. 


MARRIAGE  AS  A   MISTAKE.  \\% 

Girls,  the  purity  of  your  souls  is  more  important 
than  the  wliiteness  of  your  hands.  Do  not  perjure 
yourselves  at  the  altar ;  remember  teaching  school, 
selling  tapes  and  thread,  sweeping  somebody's  carpet, 
with  a  clean  conscience,  is  beyond  calculation  better 
than  making  a  mistake  in  marriage. 


120  FOR  BETTER  OR  WORSE. 


CHAPTER  XII. 
MARRYING   FOR   MONEY. 

There  is  a  story  told  of  a  young  woman,  who,  when 
she  was  asked  why  she  married  a  certain  man  for  his 
money,  replied  that  she  married  him  for  all  that  there 
was  of  him  worth  having. 

I  do  not  believe  this  story  myself,  not  because  the 
words  might  not  truthfully  have  been  said,  but  because 
no  woman,  under  such  circumstances,  would  ever  have 
the  heart  to  perpetrate  the  joke.  Marrying  for  money 
is  not  at  all  laughable  to  the  parties  concerned  in  the 
transaction,  and,  indeed,  I  have  known  one  case, 
where  it  seemed  as  if  the  woman  who  had  thus  sold 
herself — aud  she  was  young  and  beautiful — never 
laughed  again. 

It  is  not  at  all  surprising,  however,  that  women  do 
marry  for  money,  nor  are  they  wholly  deserving  of 
blame  on  this  account ;  they  are  trained  to  the  idea 
that  money  is  the  greatest  good,  that  it  is  the  single 
essential  to  happiness,  and  at  the  same  time  impressed 
with  the  conviction  that  it  is  derogatory  to, their 
womanhood  to  obtain  it  for  themselves  in  any  way 
other  than  by  gift,  inheritance,  or  marriage. 


MARRYING  FOR  MONEY.  121 

Dependent  from  their  earliest  childhood  oa  an  un- 
certain sense  of  justice,  or  a  capricious  generosity, 
taught  that  their  principal  business  is  the  enhance- 
ment of  their  personal  attractions  at  any  saci-ifice  of 
truth,  sincerity,  independence,  and  self-respect,  what 
strength  of  mind  or  principle  have  they  to  oppose  to 
the  temptation  which  is  offered  them  of  being  their 
own  mistresses,  with  money,  and  opportunity  to  grat- 
ify every  repressed  instinct,  every  vain  desire  ? 

The  disposition  to  spend  money,  to  have  the  com- 
mand of  resources  sufficient  to  satisfy  individual  wants 
in  the  individual's  own  way,  is  as  strong  in  the  girl  as 
in  the  boy  ;  but  while  one  is  taught  that  everything 
can  be  attained  through  his  own  energy,  the  other  is 
compelled  to  wait  till  some  one  will  give  her  what  she 
needs,  or  encoui-aged  to  resort  to  tricks  and  subter- 
fuges, which  undermine  her  whole  moral  nature. 

At  twenty-one  a  boy  is  engaged  in  trade,  commerce, 
manufactures,  or  agriculture,  is  earning  money,  which 
he  receives  at  stated  periods,  and  disburses  in  any 
way  he  chooses.  The  girl,  at  twenty-one,  is  doing 
interminable  tatting  and  crochet,  dusting  parlors, 
making  calls,  teasing  her  father,  in  good-natured 
moods,  for  twenty-five  cents  to  ride  in  an  omnibus,  or 
twenty-five  dollars  to  buy  a  new  dress ;  but  always 
objectless,  purposeless,  penniless,  waiting  for  the 
opportunity  that  is  to  give  her  freedom,  and  the  com- 
mand of  a  purse,  as  the  enchanted  princess  of  old 
waitpd  for  the  knight  who  was  to  free  her  from  bond- 


122  FOR  BETTER   OR  WORSE. 

age  to  the  powers  of  evil,  and  with  the  same  result 
—  one  sort  of  thraldom  being  always  substituted  for 
another. 

It  is  almost  impossible  to  conceive  the  power  wealth 
exercises  over  the  imagination  of  a  girl  of  very  limit- 
ed means  and  intense  desires.  It  is  the  wonderful 
god  whose  touch,  to  her  morbid  senses,  would  turn 
all  the  dull,  gray  hues  of  her  life  into  gold.  The  pros- 
pect of  continual  struggles,  of  pinching  economy,  of 
a  narrow  income  eked  out  by  the  usual  methods  and 
makeshifts,  has  no  attraction  for  her.  She  has  been 
there  all  her  life,  she  knows  just  what  it  is,  and  she 
knows  also  that,  preaching  and  sentiment  to  the  con- 
trary notwithstanding,  there  is  very  seldom  any 
nobility  of  the  soul,  any  spirit  of  contentment,  or 
willing  self-sacrifice,  connected  with  it ;  that  poverty 
narrows  and  debases,  rather  than  tends  to  enlarge- 
ment and  high-toned  feeliug,  and  that,  other  things 
being  equal,  the  man  of  wealth,  who  is  accustomed  to 
treat  all  women  with  deference,  will  be  more  likely  to 
make  a  good  husband  than  the  poor  man,  who  has 
never  seen  women  treated  as  anytiiing  but  domestic 
machines,  created  for  the  household  comfort  and  con- 
venience of  men. 

Love  !  now  can  she  stop  to  trouble  herself  about 
love  ?  She  has  had  some  heart-aches  in  the  solitude 
of  her  own  little  room  ;  she  has  struggled  with  the 
pain  of  seeing  others  preferred  to  herself,  whom  she 
felt  were  inferior  to  herself;  in  the  innermost  recesses 


MARRYING  FOR  MONEY.  123 

of  her  heart  there  is  the  image  of  one  who  has  per- 
haps never  thought  of  her,  and  of  whom  she  is,  there- 
fore, bound  never  to  think,  but  of  whom  she  would 
never  have  thought  to  ask.  Is  he  rich  ?  or,  Is  he  poor? 
He  would  have  been  all  in  all. 

But  that  is  out  of  the  question.  She  has  got  to 
marry.  Her  parents  expect  it ;  it  will  rid  them  of  a 
burden.  Her  younger  sisters  anticipate  it ;  her  broth- 
ers begin  to  remind  her  that  she  cannot  expect  them 
to  dance  attendance  upon  her  all  her  life,  and  there  is 
the  social  pressure  from  five  hundred  friends,  who  re- 
mind her  of  her  age,  and  circulate  reports  respecting 
her  engagement  to  this  and  that  individual,  regardless 
of  her  feelings,  or  the  prejudicial  effect  upon  her  rep- 
utation and  future. 

Yes,  she  must  marry  ;  she  sees  no  alternative,  and, 
since  she  cannot  marry  the  one  she  feels  she  really 
could  love,  why  not  marry  money,  and  thus  please 
her  parents,  delight  her  brothers  and  sisters  (who  will 
expect  to  come  in  for  a  share  of  all  her  good  things), 
and  excite  the  envy  of  her  gossiping  acquaintance  ? 

The  temptation  is  irresistible.  She  accepts  a  man 
she  does  not  love,  but  whom,  until  she  promised  to 
marry,  she  never  actively  disliked.  The  change  in 
their  relations,  which  naturally  follows,  the  greater 
intimacy,  the  sense  of  proprietorship  exhibited  by  her 
purchaser,  revolt  her  womanhood,  and  arouse  feelings 
which  she  is  shocked  to  find  obtain  stionger  and  still 
stronger  hold  upon   her,  as  the  time  for  the  consum- 


124  FOR   BETTER  OR   WORSE. 

mation  of  the  human  sale  approaches,  until  only  the 
desperate  necessity  of  the  case  prevents  her  from 
breaking  through  the  meshes  which  have  been  woven 
around  her,  and  making  an  attempt,  at  least,  to  regain 
her  lost  freedom.  Freedom  1  she  had  looked  upon 
marriage  —  a  wealthy  marriage  especially  —  as  the 
golden  gate  through  which  she  would  pass  to  life, 
liberty,  and  happiness  ;  she  knows  now,  by  a  myste- 
rious intuition,  that  it  will  simply  infold  her  with  a 
closer  and  more  inflexible  environment ;  that  she  will 
be  consigned,  body  and  soul,  to  the  keeping  of  the 
man  who  has  purchased  her,  and  that  her  future  acts 
—  existence  even  —  will  be  the  outgrowth  of  his 
will,  not  of  her  own. 

Even  the  personal  belongings  and  adornments,  in 
which  she  expected  to  take  so  much  pleasure,  lose 
their  attraction  when  she  realizes  that  they  do  not 
belong  to  her,  that  she  can  neither  buy  nor  sell  them, 
that  they  are  the  evidence  of  her  husband's  taste,  not 
her  own,  that  he  likes  to  see  her  wear  them,  likes  to 
have  her  beauty  enhanced  by  thorn,  but  looks  upon 
them,  and  her  also,  as  his  property,  bought  with  his 
money,  and  held  under  his  jurisdiction  and  control.. 

This  bitter  experience  must  inevitably  come  to 
women  who,  even  under  the  most  favorable  circum- 
stances, marry  for  money.  They  may  be  so  fortunate 
as  to  find  in  the  man  something  worth  having  besides 
his  money,  but  the  power  which  accompanies  habitual 
bestowmeut,  added  to  that  of  conceded  supremacy,  is 


MARRYING   FOR  MONEY.  125 

a  test  to  which  no  mortal  man  could  be  subjected, 
and  preserve  the  respect  and  consideration  which  ho 
would  exhibit  towards  one  who  came  to  him  on  terms 
of  equality. 

At  the  best,  therefore,  the  position  is  a  humiliating 
one.  But  suppose  the  man  to  be  coarse,  brutal,  over- 
bearing, insolent,  obstinate,  and  willing  or  habituated 
to  push  the  power  he  possesses  over  his  dependants 
to  its  limits,  what  can  the  woman  who  has  sold  her- 
self to  him  expect  ?  to  what  does  she  bind  herself 
then  ?  The  hidden  experience  of  such  women  can 
alone  testify. 

The  idea  that  it  is  natural  for  women  to  receive, 
and  men  to  give,  is  as  false  in  fact  as  it  is  degrading 
in  theory.  It  is  more  natural  for  women  to  give  than 
it  is  for  men,  and  I  appeal  to  the  consciousness  of  all 
women  to  bear  me  out  in  this  statement.  The  first 
thing  that  a  woman  who  loves  thinks  of  is  to  give, 
and,  alas  !  because  she  has  nothing  else,  she  some- 
times gives  herself.  Women  possessed  of  property 
not  unfrequently  give  the  whole  of  it  joyfully  into 
the  hands  of  their  husbands  ;  and  if  there  are  now 
efforts  and  legal  enactments  to  prevent  such  sacrifices, 
it  is  because  men  proved  themselves,  generally,  un- 
worthy of  this  unselfish  trust  and  confidence,  and, 
instead  of  giving,  appropriated  greedily  all  that  came 
within  their  possession  without  gratitude,  or  even 
acknowledgment. 

Women   who  earn,  or  who  become  possessed  of 


126  FOR  BETTER   OR   WORSE. 

nnoney,  give  quite  as  freely,  quite  aa  generously,  as 
men.  I  have  known  several  poor  young  women,  sud- 
denly possessed  of  means  through  their  own  success- 
ful efforts,  whose  first  years  of  earnings  were  princi- 
pally spent  in  cancelling  by  gifts  the  obligations 
which  they  felt  for  little  acts  of  kindness  when  they 
were  poor,  I  have  known  them  for  years  to  clothe 
and  otherwise  aid  families,  whose  support  was  osten- 
sibly derived  from  some  man,  the  "  natural  "  guardian 
and  protector,  but  who  was  really  hardly  able  to  take 
care  of  himself.  Scarcely  any  self-supporting  girl 
but  wholly,  or  in  part,  provides  for  the  wants  of  some 
helpless  or  enfeebled  male  or  female  relative.  A 
woman,  who  has  made  a  fortune  by  her  own  exertions 
in  the  city  of  New  York,  remarked  to  the  writer, 
"  that,  so  far  as  her  experience  went,  men  had  quite 
as  much  faculty  for  dependence  upon  women,  as 
women  upon  men,  the  only  difference  being  that  they 
require  twice  as  much  to  "  support  "  them,  and  can 
do  nothing,  not  even  mend  hose,  in  return. 

This  divine  love  of  giving,  which  women  possess  so 
largely,  is  greatly  impaired,  and  if  it  had  not  been 
inherent  must  have  been  wholly  destroyed  by  the  habit 
of  receiving  from,  and  being  dependent  upon,  men. 
Habit  is  second  nature,  and  even  men,  who  are  de. 
pendent  upon  subscriptions  and  charities,  shortly  lose 
their  habits  of  self-reliance,  and  will  take  "  gifts  "  as 
readily  as  any  woman. 

All  this  is  simply  to  show  that  a  condition  of  abso- 


MARRYING  FOR   MONET.  127 

lute  dependence  is  as  naturally  repugnant  to  women 
as  to  men,  and  that  the  higlier  the  character  of  the 
Woman,  the  more  dreadful  \vill  be  the  loathing  of  her- 
self, when,  through  the  apparent  splendor,  she  begins 
to  realize  the  abjcctness  of  her  condition.  The  house 
she  lives  in,  the  dress  she  wears,  the  food  she  eats, 
are  his,  not  hers,  and  she  must  endure  the  impertinent 
cook  who  pleases  "his"  palate,  or  the  drunken 
coachman  who  drives  "  his  "  horses,  as  best  she  may, 
knowing  that  she  herself  is  just  as  mere  an  appa- 
nage of  his  household  as  either. 

Wliat  would  she  not  give  now  for  a  cottage  with 
the  poor  man  whom  she  loved  ?  How  she  would  re- 
joice over  an  opportunity  to  cook  their  simple  meals, 
and  use  her  leisure  to  make  her  home  attractive  and 
inviting.  How  drearily  and  wearily  pass  her  days, 
without  occupation,  destitute  even  of  the  pleasure 
she  anticipated  in  conferring  some  of  the  advan- 
tages of  her  new  state  upon  her  kindred,  for  her 
husband  is  jealous  of  any  thought  or,  act  outside 
of  himself,  and,  though  willing  to  spend  money  in 
adorning  and  beautifying  his  own  property,  has  no 
intention  of  extending  his  liberality  to  her  relatives. 
In  fact,  to  use  his  own  elegant  language,  he  "  did  not 
marry  her  family." 

So  chains,  the  gilding  of  which  makes  no  pretence 
of  concealing  that  they  are  chains,  are  all  that  she 
has  exchanged  for  her  youth,  her  beauty,  her  glad 
hopes,  her  bright  expectations,  and  very  bitterly  she 


128  FOR  BETTER  OR   WORSE. 

regrets  the  ignorance  and  folly  that  induced  her  to 
sell  lier  birthright  for  this  mess  of  pottage. 

There  is  not  the  same  temptation  for  men  to  marry 
money  that  exists  for  women,  in  the  utter  absence  of 
purpbse,  objects,  and  means  of  their  own.  Men  are 
early  forced  into  activity  whether  they  will  or  no,  and 
the  dependence  which  is  considered  so  graceful  and 
becoming  in  woman  is  disgraceful  and  derogatory  to 
man.  The  man  who  would  be  content  to  sit  down 
and  "  live  upon  "  his  wife  would  be  considered  con- 
temptible in  any  community. 

There  is  everything,  therefore,  to  prevent  a  high- 
minded,  self-respecting  man,  who  is  poor,  from  mar- 
rying a  woman  who  possesses  wealth,  and  when  such 
a  phenomenon  does  take  place,  he  finds  himself  con- 
fronted by  two  necessities  :  either  to  voluntarily  and 
imperatively  resign  all  share  in  it,  or  submit  to  see  his 
disposal  of  it  hampered  by  all  the  precautions  which 
can  be  taken  against  legalized  swindling.  This  does 
not  tend  to  make  him  amiable  towards  his  wife  or  her 
money  ;  and  so  it  often  happens  that  the  so  much  de- 
sired good  is  the  source  of  positive  evil,  which  de- 
stroys all  the  sources  of  happiness  in  married  life. 
Something  may  be,  and  undoubtedly  often  is  done,  by 
good  sense  and  forbearance,  to  remedy  the  evils  caused 
by  such  mistakes ;  but  no  act  was  ever  committed  by 
man  or  woman  from  a  base  or  unworthy  motive  that 
did  not  bring  retribution  in  some  form,  and  at  some 
tijne.  Sooner  or  later  our  sins  must  find  us  out,  and 
one  of  the  unpardonable  sins  is  Marrying  for  JMoney. 


MARRYING    WITHOUT  MONBi:  129 


CHAPTER    XIII. 

MARRYING   WITHOUT   MONEY. 

Everybody  admits,  nay,  asserts,  that  "  marrying 
for  money  "  is  a  dreadful  thing- ;  although  there  are  a 
few  experienced  and  prudent  middle-aged  people, 
learned  in  the  price  of  butter  and  the  wear  and  tear 
of  little  dresses  and  shoes,  who  are  not  ashamed  to 
acknowledge  that  it  is  almost  as  bad  a  thing  to  many 
without  money. 

Still,  as  a  general  rule,  the  sentiment  of  society  is 
against  them.  Novelists,  and  story-writers  in  maga- 
zines and  newspapers,  always  select  as  their  hero  a 
model  young  man  who  lives  and  supports  his  mother 
or  a  family  of  younger  brothers  and  sisters  on  a  small 
salary,  and  eventually  marries  his  employer's  daugh- 
ter ;  while  the  rich  young  gentleman  is  invariably  a 
brute  and  a  villain,  who  ruins  young  women  and  breaks 
his  wife's  heart. 

It  is  hardly  necessary  to  say  that  general  principles 
founded  on  ideas  so  crude  and  one-sided  are  sure  to 
be  false.  Yet  this  does  not  prevent  them  from  being 
received  by  a  great  many  people,  and  creating  a  vast 

amount  of  mischief, 

< 

9 


130  POR  BETTER  OR  WORSE. 

Romantic  young  girls,  for  instance,  think  that  love 
in  a  cottage,  with  nothing  a  year  to  live  upon,  is  just 
as  blissful  as  it  is  represented  to  be,  and  that  only  the 
most  miserably  mercenary  motives  could  ever  induce 
"  anybody  "  —  which  means  their  parents  —  to  think 
the  contrary. 

Moreover,  in  all  the  story  books  they  ever  read, 
when  the  hero  and  heroine  fail  to  make  both  ends 
meet,  they  always  have  a  fortune  left  them,  or  find 
an  asylum  with  some  poor,  plodding,  worldly-wise 
persons  who  have  worked  away  at  the  prose  of  exist- 
ence while  they  have  been  cultivating  its  poetry,  and 
are  supposed  to  consider  it  a  privilege  to  share  their 
hard-won  gains  with  others  more  ethereally  and  less 
practically  constituted. 

Tliis  will  do  very  well  for  a  story,  which  can  create 
houses  and  money  and  friends  at  pleasure,  and  ignore 
bills  if  it  is  not  convenient  to  pay  them  ;  but  it  does 
not  work  so  well  in  real  life. 

When  people  marry,  they  assume  at  once  responsi- 
bilities which  they  have  no  right  to  shirk  or  remove 
to  other  shoulders  than  their  own ;  and  it  is  very 
rarely,  indeed,  that  they  find  any  willing  to  assume 
them.  Burdens  self-imposed  generally  have  to  be 
borne  alone  —  borne  until  the  weary  back  bends  or 
the  heart  breaks,  and  tired  body  and  soul  can  bear 
no  more. 

I  would  not  advise  young  women  to  falsify  one 
genuine  womanly  instinct  for  money  ;  but  it  is  as  well 


MARRYING    WITHOUT  MONET.  131 

that  they  should  understand  that  its  possession  is  not 
necessarily  a  curse,  and  that  the  want  of  it  involves 
possible  consequences  of  which,  in  the  flush  of  youth- 
ful hope  and  believing  affection,  they  never  dream. 

As  was  before  remarked,  the  poor  young  man, 
be  he  clerk  or  mechanic,  of  story-books  is  always  a 
model.  He  is  handsome,  gentlemanly,  polite,  correct 
in  his  habits,  intelligent,  aesthetic  in  his  tastes,  with  a 
great  love  of  art  and  an- abhorrence  of  the  mean  and 
vulgar.  In  his  person,  manners,  or  surroundings 
there  is  nothing  that  can  offend  the  most  fastidious 
taste  ;  the  miseries  of  "  apartments  "  and  two-storied 
suburban  houses  are  carefully  kept  out  of  sight ;  his 
mSnage,  if  small,  is  always  faultless. 

All  this,  of  course,  is  just  as  likely,  and  rather  more 
likely,  to  be  false  than  true.  But  girls  in  love  with 
poor  young  men  do  not  think  of  that.  They  invest 
them  with  the  attributes  of  their  favorite  heroes,  and 
are  sadly  disappointed  to  find  that  indolence  and  self- 
ishness are  as  often  the  faults  of  a  poor  man  as  of 
a  rich  one,  and  that  poverty  may  be  imbittered  and 
rendered  ipfinitely  worse  to  bear  by  coarseness,  want 
of  habitual  refinement,  and  that  consideration  for 
others,  and  for  women  especially,  which  is  the  growth 
of  advanced  civilization,  of  society,  and  intellectual 
culture. 

The  faults  peculiar  to  human  nature  belong  to  one 
class  as  well  as  another ;  but  there  are  circumstances 
which  modify  them,  and  under  which  persons  subject 


132  FOR  BETTER   OR  WORSE. 

to  their  influence  suffer  less  from  them  ;  and  that  edu- 
cation and  wealth  are  among  these  circumstances,  few 
that  have  had  any  experience  in  the  world  will  deny. 

Poor  young  men  are  generally  the  product  of  fami- 
lies where  the  mother  was  a  drudge,  and  household 
courtesies  almost  unknown,  and  they  are  very  apt  to 
look  upon  a  wife  as  the  mother's  natural  successor  — 
as  a  servant  whom  they  are  not  obliged  to  pay.  They 
do  not  realize  or  appreciate  the  sacrifice  of  tastes  and 
habits  which  they  have  never  known  ;  make  demands 
upon  her  strength  which  she  is  totally  unable  to  meet ; 
and  consider  themselves  sadly  victimized  if  she  should 
happen  to  become  an  invalid,  and  unable  to  perform 
the  duties  of  housekeeper,  seamstress,  cook,  nurse, 
and  special  attendant  upon  themselves. 

Moreover,  a  large  proportion  of  the  delicate  young 
wives  of  poor  men  are  sacrificed  to  their  husband's 
early  struggles,  and  die  just  in  time  to  enable  him  to 
start  afresh  with  some  gay  young  lady,  quite  willing 
to  assist  him  to  spend  the  money  which  his  wife  has 
laid  down  her  life  to  help  him  make. 

There  are  many  happy  and  successful  matrimonial 
ventures  from  which  money  and  money  calculations 
are  entirely  excluded  ;  but  they  require  the  exercise 
of  an  unusual  amount  of  common  sense,  consideration, 
and  judgment  on  both  sides  to  make  them  so.  Girls, 
under  any  circumstances,  take  a  much  larger  amount 
of  risk  when  they  marry  than  young  men.  They  lose 
at  once  their  market  value ;  and  if  they  marry  poverty, 


MARRYING    WITHOUT  MONET.  133 

can  only  look  forward  to  the  constant  pressure  of 
petty  cares,  to  contracted  and  sometimes  unpleasant 
surroundings,  to  isolation  from  general  society,  to  the 
loss  of  youth,  without  the  means  to  make  advancing 
age  beautiful,  graceful,  or  attractive. 

Then  there  is  the  possibility  of  becoming  widows, 
with  children  dependent  upon  their  exertions.  And  is 
there  any  situation  more  forlorn  or  pitiable  in  the 
world  than  that  of  a  poor  widow  ?  Her  lot  is  doubly 
desolate.  It  is  not  only  her  husband,  but  the  bread- 
winner who  is  absent ;  and  talk  as  we  may  about  sen- 
timental sorrows,  there  are  few  miseries  so  real  and 
terrible  as  existence  without  the  food,  the  shelter,  the 
warmth,  the  protection,  the  comfort  which  make  it 
possible  as  well  as  enjoyable. 

"  Would  you,  then,  exclude  poor  young  men  from 
the  chances  of  matrimony  —  from  its  possibilities  of 
happiness  ?  "  asks  some  frightened  girl,  whose  love 
sees  paradise  only  in  any  condition  with  the  man  of 
her  choice. 

Certainly  not.  I  am  not  advising  young  men,  but 
young  women,  who  have  much  more  at  stake.  It  is 
always  best  for  young  men  to  marry  ;  it  is  in  fact 
necessary  for  their  moral,  social,  physical,  and  spir- 
itual well-being.  But  it  is  not  at  all  as  necessary  for 
women,  if  only  they  did  not  think  so. 

I  do  not,  however,  wish  to  be  understood  as  advis- 
ing young  women  not  to  marry,  or  not  to  marry  poor 
men.     I  would  simply  urge  them  to  greater  caution, 


134  FOR  BETTER  OR    WORSE. 

and  to  bear  in  mind  that  it  does  not  require  so  much 
courage  to  marry  a  poor  man  as  to  patiently  and 
cheerfully  bear  the  consequences  of  the  act. 

Society  may  not  ignore  you  ;  but  you  will  gradu- 
ally slip  out  from  society.  You  must  live  where  con- 
venience, necessity,  or  another  will  directs  ;  inclina- 
tion and  taste  will  not  only  be  subordinate,  but  al- 
most forgotten  in  the  incessant  demands  of  duty,  and 
all  must  be  performed  cheerfully,  and  without  expecta- 
tion of  thanks  or  gratitude  ;  for  a  poor  man  feels  his 
position  as  lord  of  creation  quite  as  much  as  a  rich 
one ;  is  less  likely  to  have  acquired  early  habits  of 
deference,  thoughtfulness,  and  care  for  women  ;  and 
thinks,  just  as  much  as  another  man,  that  any  woman 
ought  to  be  thankful  for  the  privilege  of  being  his 
wife. 

Excepting  in  the  highest  circles,  very  little  atten- 
tion is  paid  in  this  country  to  the  standing  and  family 
connections  of  candidates  for  matrimonial  bonds,  the 
happiness  of  the  parties  being  rightly  supposed  to  de- 
pend more  upon  themselves  and  their  fitness  for  each 
other  than  upon  their  family  relations.  Intelligent 
and  respectable  family  connections  are,  however,  by 
no  means  to  be  despised.  If  they  do  not  make  the 
happiness  of  married  life,  they  greatly  add  to  it ;  they 
fill  in  part  the  place  of  the  wife's  early  and  most  at- 
tached friends,  from  whom  she  is  very  often  separated ; 
and,  if  they  are  wise  and  kind,  may  sustain  and  aid 
her  through  many  trying  and  difiScult  circumstances. 


MARRYING  WITHOUT  MONEY.  135 

Of  family  relations  of  an  opposite  character  it  is 
unnecessary  to  speak.  Men  sometimes  say  that  "  they 
did  not  marry  their  wife's  relations  ;  "  but  young  wo- 
men will  undoubtedly  find  it  as  possible  and  as  disa- 
greeable to  marry  their  husband's  relations  as  for  their 
husbands  to  marry  theirs. 

A  little  reflection  as  to  consequences  need  not 
frighten,  but  it  ought  to  make  young  women  careful 
in  deciding  on  the  most  important  event  in  their  lives. 
To  most  men,  the  individuality  of  a  wife  is  of  little 
importance  so  long  as  she  represents  to  them  their 
average  amount  of  daily  comfort,  the  respectability 
of  their  social  position,  and  the  welfare  of  their  chil- 
dren. 

A  still  young  man,  blessed  with  his  ihird  wife,  re- 
plied to  the  question  of  a  friend  that  he  really  did  not 
know  which  had  been  nearest  and  dearest  to  him. 
They  were  like  three  good  dinners,  each  considered 
best  at  the  time,  and  pleasant  in  the  remembrance. 

If  this  gentleman  was  not  sentimental,  he  was  at 
least  honest. 

To  a  wife  the  husband  is,  or  should  be,  much  more 
than  this.  Upon  him  she  depends  for  her  opportuni- 
ties, her  enjoyments  ;  and  upon  his  energy,  ambition, 
and  ability  for  the  improvement  and  advancement  of 
their  condition  and  means.  His  habits  and  prefer- 
ences give  the  color  to  the  household  and  its  surround- 
ings ;  and,  more  than  all,  exert  a  paramount  influence 
on  the  character  and  future  welfare  of  children. 


136  FOR  BETTER   OR    WORSE. 

Try  as  she  may,  believe  as  she  may,  start  with  as 
many  modern  ideas  of  equality  or  superiority  as  she 
may,  the  result  will  be  the  same  eventually.  From 
the  moment  a  woman  becomes  a  wife  she  is  in  a  state 
of  subjection.  Ue  acts  independently  of  her  ;  but 
she  cannot  of  him.  He  holds  the  balance  of  power 
in  the.  shape  of  providing  the  money,  and  what  he 
wills,  therefore,  must  be  done. 

Outside  of  her  own  house  a  woman  has  no  distrac- 
tions, nowhere  to  go.  A  man  has  his  business,  his 
politics,  his  club,  and,  very  often,  a  dozen  places  of 
amusements,  any  of  which  are  a  legitimate  resource 
in  case  clouds  obscure  the  domestic  horizon.  But  a 
woman  has  none  of  these  resources  ;  her  spirit  can 
only  fret  and  chafe  against  its  bars  like  a  bird  in  a 
cage.  And  it  is  this  inability  to  throw  off  small 
causes  of  irritation  and  annoyance  which  spoils  many 
a  woman's  sweet  temper,  and  renders  the  wife,  as  the 
husband  complainingly  asserts,  very  different  f^ra 
the  bride. 

Is  there,  then,  no  happiness  in  married  life,  and  es- 
pecially in  humble  married  life  ?  Yes,  undoubtedly  ; 
especially  if  you  are  content  that  it  be  humble,  and 
courageously  willing  to  accept  the  risks  and  obliga- 
tions it  imposes.  But  much  faith,  much  patience, 
and,  above  all,  much  love  is  required  ;  and  unless  you 
can  bring  these  to  the  altar,  you  had  better  sew  for 
your  daily  bread  than  marry  any  man,  be  he  poor  or 
rich. 


MARRYING    WITHOUT  MONEY.  137 

There  will  be  no  equality  ia  marriage  for  women 
until  they  feel  themselves  independeut  of  it ;  until 
they  consider  it  .more  honorable  to  earn  their  liveli- 
hood than  to  barter  themselves  away  for  board  and 
clothes. 

Where  a  strong  and  true  love  exists,  it  will  prove 
equal  to  every  emergency,  provided  there  is  common 
sense  and  judgment  on  both  sides  to  back  it  up.  But 
love  cannot  exist  independent  of  respect  and  esteem, 
and  marriage  is  a  sharp  test  not  only  of  the  quality 
of  affection,  but  of  its  sources  of  inspiration. 

It  would  not  do  to  even  guess  at  the  number  of 
married  people  held  together  by  the  ties  created  by 
children  and  the  fear  of  social  censure.  But  the  ag- 
gregate will  surely  be  greatly  lessened  when  young 
women  are  willing  to  earn  money  instead  of  marrying 
for  it,  and  become  the  wives  of  poor  men  with  a  full 
realization  of  what  is  in  store  for  them. 

Love  is  all-powerful,  but  it  hath  many  counterfeits 
which  marriage  lays  bare  ;  and  if  marriage  without 
love  be  a  sin,  a  marriage  without  either  love  or  money 
is  a  folly  as  well.  Therefore,  marry  not  for  money, 
but  for  love  ;  and  if  money  comes  with  it,  use  it  wisely 
and  be  thankful ;  but  if  it  does  not,  be  thankful  for 
the  love,  and  content  to  do  your  part  to  make  life  use- 
ful and  happy  ;  for  it  is  not  money,  after  all,  that 
makes  happiness,  but  the  cultivation  of  gentleness, 
refinement,  and  wise  and  kindly  affections.  And  what 
1  would  finally  urge  upon  young  girls,  therefore,  is. 


138  FOR  BETTER   OR    WORSE. 

that  whether  there  is  money  or  not,  it  is  all-impor- 
tant that  there  be  judgment,  truth,  temperance,  taste, 
refinement,  thoughtfulness  for  others,  sympathy,  suf- 
ficient knowledge  of  the  world  to  make  a  man  among 
men,  and  the  true  gentlemanliness  which  shrinks  from 
fellowship  with  everything  false,  and  mean,  and  coarse, 
and  wicked. 

It  is  not  of  half  as  much  importance  as  you  think 
whether  you  are  married  at  all ;  but  it  is  of  the  great- 
est importance  to  yourself  and  society  at  large  what 
you  marry. 


MARK  TING  FOR  A  HOME.  139 


CHAPTER  XIV. 

"MARRYING   FOR   A   HOME." 

"  'Mid  pleasures  and  palaces 
Though  we  may  roam, 
Be  it  ever  so  humble,  , 

There's  no  place  like  home. 
A  charm  from  the  skies 

Seems  to  hallow  us  there, 
Which,  seek  where  we  may, 
Is  ne'er  met  with  elsewhere." 

Tms  true  picture  of  a  love-created  home  has  found 
a  response  in  every  heart,  and  frequent  utterance 
from  every  tongue.  It  is  no  matter  that  the  man  who 
wrote  it  was  a  wanderer,  almost  an  outcast,  who  saw 
the  home  that  he  painted  only  through  cottage  win- 
dows, as  he  travelled  on  foot  from  village  to  village, 
from  hamlet  to  hamlet,  a  poor  man,  with  neither  home 
nor  kin,  and  many  times  no  shelter  for  his  wearied 
body  from  the  pitiless  storm.  Perhaps  it  is  only  as 
wanderers  that  we  ever  fully  appreciate  the  blessed- 
ness of  home ;  at  any  rate,  millions  have  believed  in 
it,  and  loved  it  all  the  more  truly  for  the  sweet  record 
that  the  homeless  man  has  made  of  it. 


140  F'OR  BETTER   OR    WORSE. 

Thia  tenderness  of  borne  and  its  associations  make 
us  look  with  more  kindness  upon  one  who  avowedly, 
or,  at  least,  obviously,  "  marries  for  a  home,"  as  the 
phrase  goes,  than  upon  one  who  as  obviously  sells 
herself  for  money.  A  home^is  so  desirable,  and  the 
wish  for  one  so  natural,  that  one  is  apt  to  forget  the 
inflexibility  of  the  laws  which  govern  the  constitu- 
tion of  a  home,  and  consider  it  made  simply  of  bricks 
and  mortar,  for  which  the  homeless  woman  is  almost 
justified  in  bartering  herself.  Knowing  no  more  than 
this,  thousands  of  girls  and  women  do  marry  four 
walls,  expecting  to  find  them  home,  and  are  only  un- 
deceived by  bitter  and  most  painful  experience.  The 
four  walls  they  have  married  are  exactly  like  the  four 
walls  they  have  left ;  there  is  no  diflerence  in  the 
laths  and  the  plaster,  the  stone-work  or  brick-work, 
of  which  they  are  composed.  They  stand  like  Pyg- 
malion's statue,  waiting  for  life  to  be  infused  into 
them. 

This  subtle  principle  of  life  is  not  the  work  of  the 
moment,  an  hour,  or  a  day.  It  is  the  outgrowth  of 
the  love,  the  faith,  the  patience,  the  willingness  which 
the  newly-married  exercise  towards  each  other,  and 
expresses  its  vitalizing  principle  chiefly  through  the 
woman.  If  she  bring  love,  faith,  and  patience  to  her 
work  of  developing  the  home,  she  will  be  sure  to  suc- 
ceed ;  but  if  the  word  home  has  no  meaning  for  her  but 
shelter,  provided  at  some  other  person's  expense,  she 
will  fail  of  ever  finding  a  home,  though  the  walls  of  her 


MARRYING  FOR  A   HOME.  \^\ 

house  were  never  so  thick,  never  so  high,  and  never 
so  costly. 

The  phrase,  therefore,  "marrying  for  a  home,"  is 
incorrect,  especially  as  applied  to  a  woman,  because 
it  is  she  whose  work  it  is  to  create  the  home,  and, 
by  marrying  from  any  motive  less  than  the  In'ghest 
and  truest,  she  disables  herself,  and,  with  ever  so 
good  a  will,  finds  herself  unable  to  execute  her  work 
for  want  of  the  requisite  material,  namely,  patient  love, 
trust,  tenderness,  and  forbearance.  To  put  it  more 
plainly  :  A  woman  cannot  marry  for  a  home.  It  is  a 
contradiction  in  terms.  She  can  only  marry  for  a 
shelter,  and  the  willingness  to  do  this  must  spring 
li'om  one  of  two  causes,  or  both  combined  :  inca- 
pacity to  provide  for  herself ;  or  a  selfish  desire  to 
impose  the  burden  of  providing  for  her  necessities 
upon  some  one  else. 

There  are  women  who  are  born,  and  live,  without 
feeling  that  humanity  at  large,  society,  or  even  their 
own  immediate  families,  have  claims,  in  return  for 
what  has  been  bountifully  bestowed.  They  accept 
from  earth,  air,  and  sky,  light,  warmth,  sustenance  — 
from  the  past  the  treasures  of  art,  beauty,  poetry,  ex- 
perience, and  Avisdom,  which  it  has  garnered  up  — 
from  the  pi'esent  social  life,  and  all  that  makes  it  de- 
sirable, without  one  thought  of  obligation,  without 
considering  for  an  instant  that  for  all  this  they  are 
bound  to  give  back  something,  and  that  something 
t]\£  beat  that  is  in  tJiem.     If  they  can  add  nothing  to 


142  FOR  BETTER   OR    WORSE. 

the  wealth  of  the  ages,  do  nothing  in  return  for  the 
benefits  they  receive,  the  quicker  they  cease  to  en- 
cumber the  ground  the  better.  When  any  portion  of 
a  body  fails  to  add  its  quota  to  the  general  health, 
strength,  and  perfection  of  the  body,  it  is  dropped, 
and  something  else  put  in  its  place.  This  is  as  ap- 
plicable to  women,  who  are  part  of  the  great  body  of 
humanity,  as  to  men. 

It  may  be  argued  that  women  are  not  responsible 
for  their  dependence,  because  they  are  born  to  it,  and 
brought  up  to  consider  it  natural  and  inevitable. 

This  is  true  to  a  certain  extent ;  but  they  know 
also,  that  a  condition  of  uselessness,  helplessness,  de- 
pendence, is  of  human  ordering,  not  divine  intention, 
and  that  only  a  soul  reduced  to  the  depths  of  degra- 
dation could  accept  it.  They  know  that  absolute  de- 
pendence, instead  of  being  natural,  is  humiliating  to 
the  last  degree ;  that  the  poorest  and  dullest  nature 
revolts  from  it ;  that  the  law  of  reciprocity  is  as 
true  as  the  law  of  gravitation,  and,  if  not  fulfilled, 
brings  its  punishment  as  inevitably.  They  know, 
also,  that  the  reeds  upon  which  women  lean  are  con- 
stantly being  broken  ;  that  the  operation  of  natural 
law  is  not  suspended  upon  their  account,  as  it  ought 
to  be  if  they  were  intended  to  be  helpless  and  de- 
pendent creatures ;  that  men  die,  or  lose  health, 
strength,  and  fortune,  and  leave  to  women  the  task 
of  maintaining  themselves  and  others ;  that  cold 
hurts,  and  want  of  food  kills  them  as  it  does  men  ; 


MARRYING  FOR  A   HOME.  145 

prDof  enough,  in  addition  to  the  fact  that  they  are 
provided  with  precisely  the  same  working  and  breath- 
ing apparatus,  to  show  that  they  are  expected  to  do 
their  share  in  the  world's  work,  and  add  their  quota 
to  the  general  sum  of  intelligence,  activity,  and 
achievement. 

Looking  at  it  from  this  point  of  view,  marrying  for 
a  shelter  is  as  bad  and  immoral  as  marrying  for  money, 
and  the  results  are.  not  likely  to  be  much  more  satis- 
factory. 

In  the  first  place  the  object  —  the  avoidance  of  labor 
and  personal  responsibility  —  is  always  missed.  The 
labor  of  eight  or  ten  hours  per  day  would  enable  the 
woman  to  make  a  home  for  herself ;  but  in  the  home 
which  she  has  accepted  she  works  sixteen  hours, 
without  pay  or  acknowledgment  of  service  rendered. 
She  has  obtained  a  home  —  that  is  to  say,  the  shelter 
of  four  walls  ;  she  eats  the  refuse  of  what  is  put  upon 
the  table,  and  has  a  new  dress  when  the  owner,  or 
provider  of  the  four  walls,  which  she  married,  thinks 
he  can  afford  one. 

Bitterly  she  looks  back  upon  the  time  when  the 
money  she  earned  was  her  own,  to  spend  or  not  as 
she  pleased.  Sadly  she  thinks  of  the  little  room,  with 
its  one  window,  its  little  rocking-chair,  its  pictures, 
which  she  had  cut  from  illustrated  books  and  papers, 
its  treasures  in  the  way  of  little  souvenirs  which 
adorned  the  small  toilet-table,  and  feels  that  it  is 
avenged  for  her  sin  of  falsehood  and  abandonment. 


144  FOR  BETTER    OR    WORSE. 

No  spot  contained  within  the  four  walls  to  which  she 
has  sold  herself  seems  half  so  much  like  home  as 
that  poor  little  room,  that  dear  little  room,  which  re- 
quired so  little,  and  yielded  so  much. 

She  realizes  now  what  she  ought  to  have  brought 
to  the  bricks  and  mortar,  —  to  the  man  that  she  mar- 
ried, —  and  that  is,  a  love  that  would  have  purified 
and  sanctified  every  act  of  their  lives  —  a  love  that 
would  have  made  the  coarse  better  than  the  fine,  the 
labor  for  comfort  and  happiness  light  — a  love,  in 
short,  strong  enough  to  teach  the  subject  of  it  that 
duty  is  better  than  pleasure,  and  that  out  of  our  ful- 
filment of  it  grows  our  purest  and  truest  happiness. 
But  she  did  not  bring  this  love  ;  she  hardly  brought 
toleration  or  respect.  She  looked  upon  her  husband 
as  a  sort  of  earthen  cover,  made  to  protect  the  more 
delicate  porcelain  of  her  nature,  and  she  resents  the 
numberless  methods  in  which  she  is  made  to  servo  hia 
uses  ;  all  the  more  sullenly  and  bitterly  resents  them, 
because  she  knows  she  has  brought  this  thing  upon 
herself,  and  must  not  only  endure,  but  endure  in  si- 
lence. 

For  the  coveted  shelter,  she  has  not  only  to  pay  in 
service  and  labor,  but  in  the'  subjection  of  will,  act, 
almost  thought,  to  the  being  of  another.  Moreover, 
she  has  not  escaped  that  burden  of  responsibility 
which  weighed  so  heavily  upon  her  —  only  added  to 
its  gross  amount ;  for,  chary  as  men  may  be  of  their 
joys,  they  readily  and   eagerly  share  their  sorrows, 


MARRYING  FOR  A   HOME.  145 

and  expend  upon  their  wives  all  those  terrors,  and 
anxieties,  and  heart-sicknesses  which  they  disdain  to 
reveal  to  men,  but  which  keep  her  upon  the  rack  of 
fear  for  the  fate  that  may  be  impending  over  herself 
and  her  children. 

"  Home  1  "  Is  this  hand-to-hand  existence,  with  its 
petty  cares,  miseries,  deceptions,  and  embarrassments, 
the  life  that  she  sighed  for  ?  Is  she  never  to  know 
the  freedom  from  sordid  care,  for  which  she  bartered 
her  soul's  birthright,  the  blessedness  of  human  love 
and  sympathy  ! 

Home  !  How  can  she  make  home  when  everything 
that  surrounds  her  becomes  distasteful  to  her  ?  —  when 
she  sees  objects  and  circumstances  only  through  the 
jaundiced  eyes  of  a  miserable  selfishness,  when  she 
has  placed  herself  in  opposition  to  natural  law  by  de- 
manding everything  and  being  willing  to  give  nothT 
ing  —  when  by  one  word,  one  act,  she  has  made  her 
whole  life  a  lie  ? 

Home !  The  word  is  full  of  meaning,  but  not  to  her. 
It  means  the  fresh,  young,  unselfish  love  of  two 
hearts  ;  it  means  the  happy  faces,  the  joj'ous  laugh, 
the  fond  caress  of  childhood ;  it  means  freedom  from 
carking  care,  from  strife  and  contest,  from  the  pride 
and  vanity  of  self-sufiicient,  worldly-minded  men  and 
women  ;  it  means  pleasant  memories  of  Christmas 
time,  of  birthday  festivals,  of  bits  of  sunlight  and  fa- 
vorite pictures  —  of  the  baby's  first  tooth,  of  moth- 
er's quaint  old  teaspoons,  of  father's  great  teacup  and 
10 


146  FOR  BETTER   OR    WORSE. 

Baucer  —  of  sorrows  softened  like  Rembrandt  shadows 
by  the  light  of  human  love,  and  trust,  and  sympathy  — 
of  hearts  always  open,  of  a  fireside  always  warm,  of 
a  fullness  so  complete  of  the  happiness  that  mortals 
can  aspire  to,  that  we  can  say  nothing  more  of  the 
Christian's  possession  of  paradise  than  that  he  has  ar- 
rived at  home. 

Home  1  IIow  often  is  the  name  desecrated !  It 
does  not  require  much  in  the  way  of  material  sur- 
roundings to  make  home.  Brown  stone  does  not 
build  it,  damask  curtains  shut  it  out,  fine  furniture 
raises  a  barricade  against  it,  servants  wage  eternal 
war  upon  it ;  but  it  demands,  and  must  have,  love, 
faith,  honor,  and  truth.  It  may  be  poor,  it  may  be 
put  up  at  auction,  for  sale  to  the  highest  bidder,  but 
it  can  never  be  sold.  It  melts  intangibly  away,  leav- 
ing cold  objects,  blank,  dreary  walls,  a  dull,  lifeless 
body  from  which  the  soul  has  departed. 

No  wonder  the  girl  who  marries  for  a  home  fails  to 
find  it.  No  wonder  she  gives  up  the  search  after  a 
while  as  hopeless,  and  settles  down  into  the  belief 
that  there  are  only  walls,  no  homes,  in  existence. 

No  wonder  that  she  loses  herself  in  a  tangle  of 
metaphysics,  false  philosophy,  and  doubtful  social 
theories.  She  has  no  central  fact  from  which  to  ra- 
diate. Uor  very  existence  becomes  a  lie  for  which 
she  despises  herself  and  her  principal  source  of  com- 
fort is  in  establishing  theories  which  prove  all  women 
to  be  as  dissatisfied  and  unhappy  as  herself. 


MARRriNG  FOR  A  HOME.  147 

It  is  from  the  ranks  of  such  women  as  these  that 
the  reckless,  egotistic,  subversive,  and  insurrectionary 
women  come,  and  by  these  I  do  not  mean  all  who  are 
called  "  women's  rights  women,"  for  many  are  among 
the  truest,  tenderest,  most  faithful  of  women  to  every 
relation  of  life  ;  but  I  mean  those  who,  bj'^  their  want 
of  equipoise,  by  their  advocacy  of  a  loose  and  ficti- 
tious morality,  become  social  incendiaries,  sowing  the 
seeds  of  dissatisfaction  and  revolt,  which  are  the  out- 
growth of  their  own  want  of  truth,  honor,  and  integ- 
rity, among  those  who  ignorantly  accept  them  as  true 
representatives  of  advanced  ideas. 

With  less  brains,  but  as  much  faculty  for  being 
miserable,  this  same  class  of  women  help  largely  to 
fill  up  the  armies  which  throng  our  great  boarding- 
houses  and  hotels  —  creatures  who  are  women  only 
in  name,  who,  without  object,  purpose,  or  occupation, 
drag  out  a  wretched  existence  :  when  it  is  night, 
wishing  it  were  morning  ;  when  it  is  morning,  wait- 
ing for  the  night,  depending  upon  the  chance  excite- 
ment of  visits  and  shopping  for  the  little  variety  to 
the  horrible  monotony  of  their  lives,  and  looking  upon 
feeding-time  like  the  animals  in  a  menagerie,  as  the 
most  interesting  event  in  the  twenty-four  hours. 

Is  this  marrying  for  a  home  —  this  stagnant,  useless 
existence,  which  depraves  mind  and  body,  takes  out 
of  life  all  that  makes  it  worth  the  living,  and  leaves 
only  a  dry  husk  from  which  all  the  sweetness  has  de- 
parted ? 


148  POR  BETTER   OR  WORSE. 

It  seems  really  more  wicked  and  less  justifiable  for 
women  to  marrj'  for  this  pretence  of  home  than  for 
men,  because  women  inake  home,  while  men  cannot. 
Given  a  clear  conscience,  and  a  sense  of  duty  ful- 
filled, and  a  woman  will  make  home  out  of  the  small- 
est nook,  no  matter  whether  it  is  under  the  earth  or 
close  to  the  sky.  Her  bit  of  geranium  and  low  rock- 
ing-chair will  find  out  where  the  sunshine  strikes  ear- 
liest and  stays  longest,  and  her  quick  sympathies  and 
strong  affection  will  render  even  such  a  place  a  very 
paradise. 

Men  require  these  atmospheric  influences,  but  they 
cannot  create  them.  They  cannot  sit  still  long  enough 
to  infuse  any  part  of  themselves  into  the  dull  wood- 
work, the  hard  stone,  or  the  cold  glass  of  tiieir  sur- 
roundings. They  like  to  feel  the  warmth,  and  bask 
in  the  sunshine  created  by  a  loving  woman's  pres- 
ence, but  they  are  powerless  to  effect  the  same  re- 
sults. 

And  the  simple  secret  is,  that  it  takes  time,  strength, 
patience,  devotion,  trust,  and  love  to  create  the  home 
atmosphere,  which  they  cannot  bestow  upon  it — which 
they  have  to  put  to  other  and  more  material  uses. 
They  rarely  appreciate  this,  except  in  its  final  result ; 
but  it  is  nevertheless  true,  and  it  supplies  the  reason 
why  it  is  absolutely  indispensable  that  a  woman  bring 
great  love  and  faith  to  her  work.  It  is  because  so 
much  of  it  is  bread  thrown  upon  the  waters. 

Men  are  very  apt  to  consider  that  the  four  walls 


MARRYING  FOR  A   HOME.  149 

are  all  there  is  of  home,  and  that  the  woman  has 
nothing  to  do  but  sit  down  and  enjoy  it.  But  this  is 
a  great  mistake.  The  woman  knows,  or  at  least  soon 
discovers,  that  the  very  security,  privacy,  reserve, 
and  seclusion  of  home,  are  temptations  to  neglect  the 
performance  of  duty,  especially  when  this  is  more 
general  than  special  in  its  character,  and  easily 
slighted,  without,  for  a  time,  very  apparent  results. 

It  requires  wisdom,  as  well  as  all  the  strength  of 
human  affection,  to  do  the  same  thousand  and  one 
little  nothingnesses  day  after  day,  week  after  week, 
month  after  month,  and  year  after  year ;  to  cultivate 
the  social  amenities  and  niceties  of  refined  domestic 
life,  in  the  face  of  bodily  weakness,  opposing  inclina- 
tion, and  the  certainty  that  no  mortal  will  ever  know 
or  give  you  credit  for  your  efforts  and  your  self-sac- 
rifice. 

Yet  all  the  homes  that  ever  existed  were  built  of 
single  bricks  like  these,  laid  one  upon  another  by 
some  woman,  who,  possibly,  did  not  know  the  work 
she  was  doing  —  builded  from  instinct,  like  the  bee, 
and  wiser  than  she  knew. 

The  difference  between  the  man  and  the  bee  is, 
that  the  latter  does  from  instinct  what  the  former  does 
from  knowledge  ;  and  this  must  be  the  difference  be- 
tween the  instinctive  and  reasoning  woman.  The 
latter  must  know  that,  in  lier  capacity  of  wife,  it  is 
her  place  to  build  the  home  in  the  house  provided  by 
the  man.     She  must  know,  also,  that  to  this  work  she 


150       FOR  BETTER  OR    WORSE. 

must  bring  the  proper  materials  —  love,  faith,  pa- 
tience —  or  she  is  less  than  the  animal  and  insect  cre- 
ation, who  will  not  act  contrary  to  their  instincts. 
She  is  a  fraud  upon  men,  a  libel  upon  women,  a  base 
counterfeit  that  has  no  right  of  circulation  among 
true  and  honest  men  or  women. 


TRUE  MARRIAGE.  151 


CHAPTER  XV. 

TRUE   MARRIAGE. 

Popular  ideas  upon  marriage  run  mainly 'in  two 
directions  :  first,  the  sentimental,  or  that  view  of  it 
which  bases  the  union  strictly  upon  the  mutual  love 
and  admiration  existing  between  the  parties  concerned ; 
secondly,  the  practical  or  business  idea  which  ren- 
ders marriage  a  copartnership,  entered  into  mainly 
from  motives  of  personal  and  pecuniary  interest. 

In  neither  of  these  conceptions  lies  the  ground- 
work of  just  and  true  married  life.  Both  are  founded 
in  an  individual  idea,  which,  carried  out,  would  sacri- 
fice the  larger  claims  to  the  lesser  wants,  the  all-in- 
folding tree  to  the  little  seed  from  which  it  sprang. 

If  individual  happiness  and  material  prosperity 
were  the  sole  or  the  highest  objects  to  be  attained  by 
marriage,  it  would  present  no  problem  to  us  vorth 
solving  —  it  would  be  quite  unnecessary  that  m  .'-- 
riage  should  exist  at  all.  Men  and  women  could 
mate  with  whoever  suited  their  fancy,  enter  into  so- 
cial partnerships  upon  a  mercantile  footing,  and  re- 
main together  ojily  so  long  as  it  suited  their  interests 
or  pleasure  to  do  so. 


152  POR  BETTER   OR    WORSE. 

Such  copartnerships  could  exist  in  social  as  well  as 
in  business  life,  if  no  farther  results  were  involved, 
if,  as  was  stated  before,  the  happiness  of  the  indi- 
vidual, by  the  gratification  of  his  inclinations,  and  in- 
dulgence of  his  selfish  desires,  were  the  principal  end 
and  aim  of  married  life. 

But  this  does  not  seem  to  be  the  case.  While  a 
beautiful  harmony  of  arrangement  provides  that  a 
marriage  shall  complete  the  happiness  of  the  indi- 
vidual, it  nevertheless  subordinates  this  condition  to 
the  greater  end  to  be  accomplished,  namely,  the  crea- 
tion of  the  family. 

Here  is  the  real  reason  for  the  existence  of  mar- 
riage, and  the  necessity  for  its  recognition  as  a  per- 
manent, if  not  sacramental  institution.  The  married 
man  and  woman  arc  no  longer  to  be  regarded  as  in- 
dividuals, they  have  no  longer  a  right  to  act  from  an 
individual  stand-point.  Through  marriage,  and  from 
its  point  of  view,  they  cease  to  be  individuals,  and 
represent  an  entirely  different  and  more  complex  prod- 
uct —  the  family  —  and  it  is  its  interests,  its  claims, 
its  responsibilities,  its  influence,  which  must  be  con- 
sidered, and  to  which  individual  inclinations  must  be 
subordinated. 

Men  and  women  might  meet  and  part  without  any- 
body troubling  themselves  as  to  consequences,  if  the 
world  had  not  to  be  populated,  if  there  were  uo  chil- 
dren ;  but  it  is  not  the  man  or  the  woman,  it  is  the 
children,  after  marriage,  who  are  of  the  first  impor- 


TRUE  MARRIAGE.  153 

tance.  They  make  up  in  great  part  the  hopes  and 
fears,  the  joys  and  sorrows  of  the  present.  They 
represent  the  possibilities  of  the  future,  they  repro- 
duce the  glory  and  the  shame  of  those  who  have  gone 
before,  and  carry  them  into  immortality.  If  marriage 
could  be  dissolved  at  will,  what  would  become  of  the 
children  ?  Neither  father  nor  mother  alone  can  prop- 
erly take  charge  of  them  ;  the  care  and  assistance 
of  both  are  necessary  to  their  education  and  develop- 
ment. Even  the  state,  were  legal  provisions  made, 
could  prove  but  a  rugged  step-mother,  absolute  and 
totally  devoid  of  that  undying  love,  tenderness,  consid- 
eration, and  sympathy,  founded  in  the  family,  created 
by  a  true  marriage.  In  the  animal  creation  couples 
instinctively  recognize  it  as  a  part  of  their  duty  to 
protect  and  provide  for  their  helpless  offspring,  and 
never  separate  until  the  young  have  been  taught,  and 
are  fully  able  to  take  care  of  themselves. 

Simple  adherence  to  this  primary  rule  would  prac- 
tically render  marriage  indissoluble,  for  the  law  re- 
cognizes parents  as  responsible  until  children  have 
reached  the  age  of  discretion ;  and  few  wives  or  hus- 
bands would  wish  to  separate  after  sharing  the  com- 
mon interests  of  daily  life  together  for  upwards  of 
twenty  years,  or  would  be  any  happier  for  such  sep- 
aration. Experienced  lawyers  testify  not  only  that 
divorced  couples  wish  to  marry  again,  but  that  the 
majority  of  them  do  so,  and  this  in  the  teeth  of  lidi- 
cule  and  the  opposition  of  friends  and  relatives. 


154  FOR  BETTER    OR    WORSE. 

The  desideratum,  therefore,  appears  to  be  a  basis 
for  marriage  which  will  afford  us  some  sort  of  guar- 
antee in  the  absence  of  infallible  wisdom  and  judg- 
ment of  the  formation  of  a  true  marriage,  in  contra- 
distinction to  a  mistaken  or  false  one  ;  and  this  basis, 
I  think,  we  find  in 

Loxie,  acting  as  a  molive,  or  incentive  to  the  perform- 
ance of  duty. 

The  question  now  arises.  Can  that  union  be  called 
marriage  where  love  has  ceased  to  exist  ?  and  would 
it  not  be  better  to  dissolve  such  a  connection  rather 
than  live  in  the  midst  of  hatred  and  dissensions  ? 

Undoubtedly  there  are  instances  where  the  inti- 
mate relation  of  man  and  wife  becomes  not  only  in- 
tolerable, but  a  crime  against  the  moral  nature  not  to 
be  permitted.  Such  instances  are,  however,  rare,  and 
must  be  treated  as  a  disease  or  misfortune.  We  do 
not  feed  the  whole  world  on  medicine  because  a  few 
people  are  sick.  We  do  not  subject  all  women  to 
treatment  of  cancer  because  one  woman  has  died  of 
it.  Our  laws  take  it  for  granted  that  men  and  women 
are  innocent  until  they  are  proved  to  be  guilty,  and 
it  would  be  manifestly  unjust  to  make  marriage  laws 
to  suit  the  exceptions  instead  of  the  rule. 

Accepting  the  fact  that  marriage  involves  sacred 
duties,  that  the  easy  disruption  of  marriage  tics  pro- 
duces anarchy,  confusion,  dismemberment,  broken 
lives,  a  reign  of  selfishness  in  which  the  weakest  must 
inevitably  be  driven  to  the  wall ;  it  becomes  a  mat- 


TRUE  MARRIAGE.  156 

ter  of  grave  doubt  whether  any  conduct  on  the  part 
of  the  man  or  woman,  who  has  assumed  these  obliga- 
tions, releases  the  other  from  his  or  her  share  of  them. 

Two  wrongs  cannot  make  right. 

An  injured  woman  gave  simple  utterance  to  a  no- 
ble sentiment  when  she  said  that  no  act  of  her  hus- 
band's could  make  her  false  to  the  vows  she  had 
spoken,  to  the  duties  she  owed  her  children. 

Here  is  a  fact  to  which  it  seems  to  me  necessary 
to  anchor  fast,  and  which  marks  a  sublime  difference 
between  the  true  idea  of  marriage  and  that  sentimen- 
tal affection  which  is  self-absorbing  and  self-seeking 
in  its  nature  and  character,  and  whoso  first  instinct  is 
to  sacrifice  whatever  stands  in  the  way  of  the  attain- 
ment of  its  object. 

This  is  the  great  fact  of  duty. 

We  have  not  yet  arrived  at  that  state  of  growth  — 
physically,  mentally,  morally,  or  spiritually  —  when 
we  can  be  sure  of  ourselves,  or  of  the  always  correct 
action  of  our  reason,  our  judgment,  or  even  of  our 
affections.  What  we  loved  yesterday  we  dislike  to- 
day, and  may  love  again  to-morrow.  We  are  still 
under  bonds  to  the  perversities  not  only  of  the  pres- 
ent, but  of  past  generations.  We  suffer  a  thousand 
ills  ;  and  when  we  suffer,  we  are  not  sure  that  we 
love.  We  may  even  think  we  hate,  and  discover  after 
a  while  that  it  was  not  hate,  but  bile,  or  dyspepsia,- 
or  overwork,  or  weariness,  or  debt,  or  difiiculty,  in 
some  other  of  the  many  forms  in  which  it  assails  us. 


156  POR  BETTER   OR    WORSE. 

Love,  in  its  incipient  stages,  is  no  more  to  be  de- 
pended upon  than  its  step-brother  —  hate.  It  is 
quickly  born,  and  often  as  quickly  dies.  It  may,  by 
cultivation  and  opportunity,  become  a  plant  of  sturdy, 
healthy  growth,  but  it  will  still  be  subject  to  fluctua- 
tions and  changes.  It  may  seem  to  be  beaten  down 
for  a  moment  by  storms,  but  it  will  raise  its  head 
again  in  the  sunshine  ;  and  he  would  be  a  poor  social 
economist  who  should,  for  this  reason,  tear  it  up  by 
the  roots. 

The  love  of  the  ijovelist,  which  is  born  in  a  mo- 
ment, to  live  forever,  —  which  is  unimpaired  and  un- 
aflbcted  by  time,  condition,  or  circumstance,  —  has  no 
counterpart  in  the  experience  of  actual  life.  Not 
that  true  love  does  not  exist,  but  that  it  requires  fa- 
vorable influences,  and,  like  all  other  best  things,  is 
perfected  by  growth  and  culture.  It  may  have  been 
born  of  passion  and  imagination,  but  it  is  quite  as 
likely  to  be  the  oflspring  of  esteem  and  friendship.  It 
does  not  always  show  itself  upon  the  surface,  but  it 
survives  shocks  all  the  better  when  an  element  of 
loyalty  is  mingled  with  inclination,  and  is  none  the 
less  true  because  it  is  given  where  honor  and  duty  de- 
mand it.  If  love  and  duty  Avere  inconipiitiblo,  tlicu 
the  moment  love  became  duty,  it  would  cease,  which, 
thank  heaven,  is  not  true.  Love  goes  in  harness  very 
well,  even  with  imagination,  when  duty  holds  the 
reins,  while  love  in  opposition  to  duty  produces  noth- 
ing but  unrest  and  disquiet. 


TRUE  MARRIAGE.  167 

I  come  now  to  the  modern,  practical,  or  business 
idea  of  marriage,  which  is  au  outgrowth  of  the  doc- 
trine of  individual  rights,  and  a  very  worthy  branch 
of  the  parental  tree. 

It  demands  that  the  parties  to  the  matrimonial 
scheme  shall  be  two  self-supporting,  separate  entities, 
each  content  to  maintain  themselves  —  each  willing 
to  contribute  to  the  support  of  children,  if  such  should 
be  born  to  them. 

Many  good  men  and  women  advocate  this  idea  as 
the  only  true  basis  of  au  equality  in  marriage  —  as 
the  only  method  by  which  the  woman  can  preserve 
the  distinctive  dignity  and  complete  independence 
necessary  to  the  acknowledgment  of  her  equal  posi- 
tion by  man. 

There  is  a  show  of  reason  and  justice  in  this  pre- 
tension which  has  no  real  foundation,  and  obtains  its 
apparent  validity  solely  from  the  greater  value  which 
has  heretofore  attached  to  physical  over  moral  agen- 
cies, and  the  necessity  which  has  seemed  to  exist  for 
women  to  pit  themselves  against  men,  fight  material 
battles  with  material  forces  upon  their  ground,  in  or- 
der to  obtain  recognition  of  power. 

It  entirely  overlooks  the  fact,  that  the  woman 
must  bear  the  children,  that  in  this  she  can  receive 
no  help  from  man,  that  she  gives  her  strength  to 
them,  is  naturally  and  legally  responsible  for  them, 
and  is  compelled  to  admit  their  claims  in  a  thousand 
ways  which  do  not  affect  men  at  all. 


158  FOR  BETTER   OR    WORSE. 

If  the  moral  influence  and  agency  of  women  had 
been  properly  recognized  and  appreciated  by  men, 
such  an  idea  could  never  have  gained  ground  ;  but, 
once  born,  it  found  fitting  nourishment  in  the  habit  of 
masculine  assertion  and  appropriation,  and,  false  and 
specious  though  it  is,  threatens  the  most  deplorable 
consequences,  not  only  to  individuals,  but  to  the  race. 

There  can  be  no  doubt  that  the  woman's  place  in  a 
true  marriage  is  to  build  up  the  house,  care  for,  and, 
up  to  a  certain  period,  educate  the  children.  Some 
one  must  do  it,  and  who  so  well  fitted  for  it  ?  But 
for  this  work  she  requires  means,  and  these  it  is  the 
man's  business  to  provide.  She  needs  also  his  as- 
sistance, countenance,  encouragement,  and  support, 
to  sustain  her  in  its  execution,  and  in  return  gives 
what  he  must  have,  attention  to  his  personal  wants, 
and  the  quiet,  peace,  and  serenity  of  a  well-ordered 
home,  after  the  toils,  fatigues,  and  anxieties  of  busi- 
ness. 

3Ien  will  never  know  what  the  home  can  be,  and 
should  bo,  until  they  make  the  woman  responsible  for 
it ;  until  they  stop  treating  her  either  as  a  drudge  to 
be  ordered,  or  a  doll  to  be  dressed  and  petted,  and 
look  upon  her  as  she  is,  a  very  human  part  of  crea- 
tion, with  a  natural  and  most  useful  work  to  perform, 
and  great  willingness  to  do  it,  if  she  only  knew  how, 
and  had  the  means  to  do  it  with. 

It  is,  however,  absolutely  necessary  that  these  be 
supplied  to  her ;  it  is  no  part  of  her  business  to  pro- 


TRUE   MARRIAGE.  159 

vide  them  for  herself.  If  the  wife  goes  out  to  earn 
money  to  support,  or  help  to  support,  the  family,  the 
interests  of  the  family  must  suffer.  Her  husband 
loses  the  feeling  of  security  and  the  certainty  of  care 
which  her  presence  affords  ;  the  children,  the  moth- 
er's protection  and  sympathy  ;  the  household,  that 
guardianship  which  is  essential  to  its  prosperity  and 
well-being. 

The  wife  and  mother,  if  she  is  conscientious,  suf- 
fers most  of  all,  in  her  divided  interests,  in  the  con- 
tinuous struggles  between  her  love  and  her  duty  ;  and 
finally,  in  her  effort  to  accomplish  all,  renders  herself 
unequal  to  the  perfoi-mance  of  any  part  of  her  work, 
and  dies,  leaving  the  memory  only  of  her  weakness 
and  want  of  judgment  —  none  of  her  willingness  or 
superhuman  effort. 

There  is  another  point  upon  which  I  have  enlarged 
somewhat  in  a  previous  article,  but  which  I  desire  also 
to  mention  in  this  connection,  and  that  is,  that  the 
presence  of  the  wife  is  essential  to  the  formation  of  the 
home.  A  true  marriage  teaches  a  man  the  value  of 
this  part  of  a  woman's  work.  His  labor  being  princi- 
pally to  gather  together  the  material  forces,  he  naturally 
places  the  most  value  upon  them,  and  it  not  unfre- 
quently  takes  him  a  long  time  to  understand  what 
the  influence  is  which  his  wife's  constant  presence 
diffuses  around  his  dwelling,  or  in  what  way  the 
nameless  nothings  with  which  her  hands  are  busj'  af- 
fect his  happiness,  and  even  his  soul's  growth. 


160  FOR  BETTER   OR    WORSE. 

The  newly  married  man,  who  takes  his  wife  to  the 
home  that  his  love  and  forethought  have  provided, 
thinks  he  has  done  it  all  —  that  she  has  nothing  to 
do  but  sit  down  and  enjoy  it ;  and,  generally,  she  ac- 
cepts his  view  of  the  matter,  and  secretly  wonders 
why  the  new,  bright  house,  with  its  spic  and  span 
new  furniture,  does  not  seem  as  dear,  and  as  much 
like  home,  as  the  plain,  gray  old  homestead  she  left. 
No  more  than  he  does  she  realize  the  value  of  the 
work  she  has  to  perform  —  the  long,  slow,  patient 
work  of  years,  which  she  must  give  in  order  to  trans- 
form this  commonplace  shell  of  bricks  and  mortar 
into  the  hallowed  spot  round  which  sweet  meniories 
will  cluster. 

He  thought  there  was  nothing  more  to  do  after  pro- 
viding for  their  physical  wants,  until  he  realized  what 
an  empty,  soulless  place  a  mere  house  is,  without  its 
ministering  spirit.  She  believed  that  everything  had 
been  done  for  her,  until  she  discovers,  by  the  diffi- 
culty with  which  she  binds  herself  to  her  new  sur- 
roundings, that  there  is  something  lacking.  This  re- 
luctance to  enter  into  and  take  possession  of  her 
kingdom,  men  are  very  apt  to  set  down  to  natural, 
womanly  depravity ;  they  rarely  recognize  the  effort 
by  which  it  is  overcome  as  a  sacrificial  offering  which 
the  woman  lays  upon  the  altar  of  her  love  and  duty. 

Heretofore,  she  has  shared  a  home  built  by  other 
hands,  now  she  has  to  construct  one  for  herself,  and 
for  those  dearest  to  her.     The  house  is  there,  the  ta- 


TRUE  MARRIAGE.  161 

bles  are  there,  the  chairs  arc  there,  the  carpet  is 
smoothly  put  down,  the  curtains  occupy  their  places  ; 
but  into  all  these  she  must  infuse  life,  vitality.  She 
dimly  sees,  though  she  may  not  be  able  to  put  it  into 
words,  that  it  takes  more  labor  and  care  to  properly 
use  material  things  than  it  did  to  earn  the  money  for 
their  purchase. 

This  labor  and  this  care  she  must  give  to  them.  • 
In  the  golden  age,  when  men  understand  their  duty 
to  women,  women  will  be  much  better  able  to  per- 
form theirs.  Then  it  will  be  the  women  who  will  buy 
and  furnish  the  houses  in  which  they  are  to  live,  in 
which  they  are  to  construct  the  homes,  rear  and  edu- 
cate the  children.  It  will  be  women  who  cannot,  or 
who  do  not  wish  to  marry,  who  will  be  the  designers 
and  architects  of  our  houses,  our  real-estate  agents, 
our  dealers  in  furniture,  our  makers  of  upholstery, 
the  intelligent  and  willing  coadjutors  of  the  mistresses 
of  the  households,  the  good  wives,  and  the  true 
mothers. 

"^  Men  have  not  only  taken  possession  of  their  own 
kingdom,  but  of  that  of  women  also.  Let  them  yield 
to  the  woman  her  place,  respect  her  functions,  en- 
courage and  sustain  her  in  her  work,  and  they  will  be 
repaid  by  a  paradise  at  home  into  which  no  serpent 
can  enter. 

True  marriage  does  not  consist  alone  in  a  reciprocity 
of  feelings,  but  of  duties  also  ;    and  true  marriage 
can  hardly  exist  until  men  and  women  are  trained  to 
11 


162  FOR  BETTER   OR    WORSE. 

a  full  knowledge  of  what  these  duties  are,  of  their 
mutual  relations,  and  of  the  obligations  involved  in 
them.     Then,  — 

"  In  the  long  years,  likor  must  they  grow, 
The  man  be  more  of  woman,  she  of  man ; 
He  gain  in  sweetness,  and  in  moral  height, 
Nor  lose  the  wrestling  thews  that  build  the  world ; 
She,  mental  breadth,  nor  fail  in  childhood  care : 
Till  at  the  last,  she  set  herself  to  man, 
Like  perfect  music  unto  noble  words. 
And  so,  these  twain,  upon  the  skirts  of  Time, 
Sit  side  by  side,  fuU  suram'd  in  all  their  powers. 
Dispensing  harvest,  sowing  the  To-be ; 
Self-reverent  each,  and  reverencing  each. 
Then  comes  the  statelier  Eden  back  to  men. 
Then  reign  the  world's  great  bridals,  chaste  and  calm, 
Then  springs  the  crowning  race  of  human  kind." 


THE  FUTURE  HUSBAND.  163 


CHAPTER   XVI. 

THE   FUTURE   HUSBAND. 

When  a  boy-baby  is  born,  there  is  great  rejoicing ; 
the  very  tone  of  the  voice  in  making  the  announce- 
ment indicates  that  it  is  considered  matter  for  unusual 
congratulation.  Nothing  is  too  good,  or  good  enough 
for  him,  and  even  the  mother  shares  for  a  short  time 
in  the  glory,  and  is  allowed  to  indulge  her  fancies  for 
the  sake  of  the  man-child  she  has  brought  into  the 
world. 

This  feeling  is  exhibited,  more  or  less,  through  life. 
Rudeness,  exhibitions  of  temper,  and  passionate  self- 
will,  that  would  be  severely  punished  in  a  girl,  are 
only  signs  of  strength  of  character,  independence, 
and  manliness  in  a  boy. 

Of  course,  they  early  learn  to  consider  their  sex  as 
giving  them  a  great  advantage.  They  sneer  at  girls 
and  girls'  ways,  look  upon  the  world  as  their  birth- 
right, and  women  as  the  natural  subordinates  to,  and 
dependents  upon,  men. 

In  families  where  good  breeding  and  habits  of  cul- 
ture and  refinement  have  produced  a  feeling  of  chiv- 


164  FOR  BETTER   OR    WORSE. 

airy  and  politeness  towards  women,  this  idea  of  su- 
periority is  not  made  unpleasantly  apparent :  strength 
is  understood  to  be  protective  of  others,  rather  than 
of  itself.  The  weaker  element  is  recognized  as  the 
finer,  and  loyalty  to  its  claims  upon  masculine  power, 
tenderness,  and  devotion  acknowledged  as  an  indis- 
pensable element  of  manly  character. 

The  lower  we  go  in  the  social  scale,  the  less  we 
find  this  principle  known  or  recognized,  and  the  more 
coarsely,  and  even  brutally,  women  arc  treated.  It  is 
during  the  reign  of  female  sovereigns  that  laboring  men 
in  Great  Britain  and  elsewhere  have  sat  down  to  their 
meals  alone,  as  a  habit  and  a  right,  while  their  wives 
stood  and  waited  upon  them.  Even  now,  in  thousands 
of  poor  families  in  'England,  Ireland,  Scotland,  and 
America,  the  man  is  expected  to  eat  the  lion's  share 
of  the  food  provided,  while  the  wife  and  children  pick 
up  what  he  has  left. 

All  the  injustice  with  which  the  poor  man  thinks 
fortune  has  treated  him,  he,  in  turn,  visits  upon  his 
wife.  To  compensate  for  the  submission  which  he  is 
obliged  to  yield  abroad,  he  is  a  tyrant  at  home,  and, 
knowing  no  moral  or  intellectual  superiority,  backs  his 
commands  with  brute  force. 

There  is  nothing  so  unutterably  humiliating  to  a 
woman  as  to  be  in  subjection  to  a  man  with  mere 
brute  instincts.  It  is  worse  than  poverty,  or  death, 
or  degradation  in  any  other  form.  It  is  a  living  death 
of  body  and  soul.     It  is  slavery  without  the  name, 


THE  FUTURE  HUSBAND.  165 

unthonght-of,  unpitied,  and  thoroughly  hopeless.  No 
emancipation  can  come  to  the  mismated  wife  ;  she 
is  bound  hand  and  foot,  and  her  fetters  are  stronger 
than  if  they  were  made  of  iron  or  steel. 

Compelled  to  act  entirely  in  accordance  with  another 
will,  deprived  of  power  not  only  over  herself,  but  over 
her  children,  seeing  ia  them  the  record  of  her  great 
mistake  and  miserable  life,  what  wonder  that  she  is 
deprived  of  hope,  and  looks  forward  to  death  alone 
with  the  anticipation  of  relief  I 

If  women  knew  the  destiny  in  store  for  them,  many 
would  shrink  from  marriage  as  from  condemnation  to 
a  life  of  torture,  and  the  larger  nuniber  prefer  a  life 
of  independence  of  their  oWn  making,  to  the  condi- 
tion to  which  subjection  to  an  ignorant  and  irrespon- 
sible man  reduces  them. 

"He  who  ruleth  himself  is  greater  than  he  that 
taketh  a  city,"  said  the  divinely  inspired  writer ;  but, 
in  the  education  and  training  of  boys,  the  very  oppo- 
site to  this  rule  is  the  course  observed.  The  boy 
must  be  allowed  to  do  as  he  pleases,  because  he  is  a 
boy  ;  ho  who  is  to  control  othei's  must  know  no  re- 
strictions himself.  He  is  amenable  to  no  authority ; 
he  is  a  man,  the  lord  of  creation,  and  woman  was 
made  for  him,  first  in  the  character  of  mother,  then 
sister,  then  wife. 

It  is  easy  to  see  how  natural  pride  and  arrogance 
are  fed  by  such  a  system  and  such  ideas  as  these.  An 
archangel  fell  before  the  contemplation  of  his  own 


166  FOR  BETTER   OR    WORSE. 

glory,  and  men  born  with  the  presumption  of  superi- 
ority, inhaling  it  with  every  breath  they  draw,  learn 
to  look  upon  everything  as  subservient  to  their  will ; 
and  women  being  the  only  other  creatures  endowed 
in  like  manner  with  themselves,  the  pleasure  is  pecu- 
liar, and  all  the  greater,  in  subjecting  them  to  their 
authority. 

It  is  the  business  of  mothers  to  teach  their  sons  to 
look  upon  women  in  a  different  light,  to  show  them 
that  women  need  not  privileges,  but  rights,  not  mere 
politeness  and  gallantry,  but  justice  and  freedom  to 
act  for  themselves  ;  that  though  their  natural  sphere 
of  life  and  duty  is  different  from  that  of  men,  it  is  not 
inferior,  and  should  be  no  more  subjective  than  his 
own ;  that  the  happiness  of  married  life  springs  not 
from  authority  on  one  side  and  obedience  on  the 
other,  but  from  equality  of  conditions,  the  harmony 
of  taste,  feeling,  and  sentiment,  the  willingness  to 
exercise  forbearance  when  it  is  needed,  and  use  judg- 
ment rather  than  assert  authority. 

The  behavior  of  young  men  to  the  young  women 
they  wish  to  marry  is  now  entirely  false  and  decep- 
tive. Educated  and  thoroughly  imbued  with  ideas  of 
their  own  advantages  of  sex  and  position,  they  still 
go  through  the  form  of  absolute  devotion  to  some 
innocent  girl,  who  wonders,  and  finally  believes.  A 
reminder  of  the  conditions  made,  the  promises  uttefed, 
the  vows  sworn  under  these  circumstances,  after  mar- 
riage, would  only  provoke  a  laugh  ;  it  is  a  simple 


THE  FUTURE  HUSBAND.  167 

matter  of  custom  and  etiquette.  No  one  is  supposed 
to  be  such  a  fool  as  to  believe  them. 

Probably  at  the  time  the  farce  was  enacting,  the 
young  man  was  inwardly  chafing  at  the  supposed  ne- 
cessity for  such  a  concession  to  established  usages, 
and  satisfying  himself  with  the  reflection  that  his  time 
would  come  by  and  by. 

It  is  the  business  of  the  mothers  to  make  their  sons 
truthful,  as  well  upon  this  as  upon  every  other  occa- 
sion in  their  lives.  Perhaps  they  will  argue  that 
young  women  would  be  disappointed,  that  they  could 
not  bear  the  truth.  Try  them.  They  have  to  stand 
it  after  marriage,  and  you  have  no  right  to  secure  to 
yourself  the  love  of  a  young  girl  under  false  pretences. 
Besides,  if  girls  are  as  anxious  to  marry  as  they  are 
said  to  be,  they  will  bear  some  plain  speaking,  espe- 
cially if  it  saves  them  much  after-disappointment. 

It  would  astonish  a  young  lady,  undoubtedly,  to 
have  a  young  man  address  her  thus  :  "  Miss  B.,  I 
wish  to  marry,  and  prefer  you  to  any  other  young 
lady  of  my  acquaintance,  for  several  reasons.  One 
of  these  is  your  gentleness  and  amiability.  When  I 
am  married,  I  expect  to  be  master  of  my  own  house, 
and  shall  not  allow  any  one,  not  even  my  wife,  to  in- 
terfere with  my  ideas  of  right  or  wrong,  my  interests 
or  my  pleasures  ;  her  business  will  be  to  carry  out 
my  plans,  and  see  that  my  will  is  obeyed. 

"  My  second  reason  is,  your  fine  appearance.  I 
think  you  will  do  credit  to  my  taste  ;  but  you  must 


168  FOR  BETTER  OR  WORSE. 

contrive  to  gratify  my  desire  for  elegance  in  dress 
with  as  little  cost  as  possible. 

"Your  social  position,  and  that  of  your  family,  is 
another  inducement.  At  present  I  occupy  a  hall 
bedroom  —  or  an  attic  —  in  an  up-town  boarding- 
house.  I  am  tired  of  it.  I  wish  for  a  house  of  my 
own.  I  suppose  I  shall  have  to  sacrifice  something  — 
playing  billiards  for  instance  —  dropping  in,  as  ofteu 
as  I  choose,  to  places  of  public  amusement  —  going 
out  frequently  to  oyster  suppers  ;  but  I  have  made  up 
my  mind  to  that,  and  am  willing  to  marry,  provided 
I  can  do  the  thing  cheap." 

Girls  have  bfeen  so  long  used  to  the  hyperbolical 
style  of  address,  that  I  am  not  certain  they  would  take 
kindly,  at  first,  to  this  plain  truth-telling ;  but,  if  it  is 
truth,  it  would  be  only  right  for  them  to  hear  it,  and 
if  they  choose  to  accept  the  situation,  let  them.  They 
would  know  exactly  what  they  had  to  expect,  and 
have  no  one  to  reproach  afterwards. 

When  young  men  look  upon  women  from  a  differ- 
ent stand-point,  they  will  marry  from  higher  motives, 
and  find  less  difficulty  in  stating  their  case  truthfully. 

The  first  thing  a  young  girl  has  to  do,  now,  after 
marriage,  is  to  get  rid  of  her  illusions.  She  thought 
she  had  a  lover  who  lived  only  in  her  smiles,  and 
who  would  be  devoted  to  her  every  wish.  She  finds 
she  has  a  husband  who  takes  her  smiles  as  a  natural 
right,  but  considers  it  his  own  exclusive  business  to 
frown ;    who  consults   her  wishes    only  when    they 


THE  FUTURE  HUSBAND.  169 

chime  with  his  own,  and  gratifies  his  own  when  he 
likes,  without  any  reference  to  hers. 

If  she  keeps  his  house,  attends  to  his  wardrobe, 
bears  his  children,  takes  care  of  them  without  giving 
him  any  trouble,  she  is  considered  to  have  some  right 
to  board  and  lodging,  and  a  trifle  for  clothes  ;  but  she 
must  not  rebel,  and  she  must  never  hint  that  this  does 
not  satisfy  all  her  longings,  all  her  ambition,  all  her 
desires,  or  she  will  be  set  down  as  unwifely  and  un- 
womanly. 

She  finds  some  consolation  in  the  fine  conceptions 
of  some  writers  on  maternal  dut}',  and  the  maternal 
function.  But  it  is  hard  to  bear  these  lofty  ideas  in 
mind  during  the  commonplace  and  constantly  recur- 
ring operations  of  washing  dirty  faces,  picking  up 
dropped  playthings,  mending  torn  frocks  and  pants, 
and  supplying  eternal  pieces  of  bread  and  butter. 

She  wonders  if  she  is  wicked  for  wishing  to  get 
away,  sometimes,  from  the  sight  and  sound  of  her 
own  children,  and  the  cares  and  perplexities  of  her 
own  house.  She  wishes  she  could,  just  once,  read 
the  morning  paper  in  peace,  get  up  from  the  break- 
fast table  and  go  down  town  like  her  husband,  or  out 
into  the  fresh  air  and  bright  sunlight.  She  feels  sure 
of  coming  back  refreshed  and  invigorated. 

But  she  must  not  let  a  sign  of  this  weariness 
escape  her  ;  the  same  traditions  that  made  the  boy 
tyrannical  and  impatient  of  control  make  the  man  self- 
ish and  exacting.      If  he  is  irritable  at  home,  well 


no  FOR  BETTER   OR    WORSE. 

and  good.  It  must  be  set  down  to  the  anxieties  of 
business.  He  has  no  duties  there.  It  is  not  his  part 
to  assist  in  making  it  pleasant.  He  comes  home  ex- 
pecting to  find  it  all  serene  ;  if  he  is  ruffled,  he  must 
be  smoothed  into  good  humor.  He  does  not  want  to 
be  bothered  with  any  housekeeping  perplexities.  Like 
a  tame  bear,  he  is  to  be  patted,  and  coaxed,  and  fed 
with  sugar,  and  quietly  allowed  to  indulge  in  a  growl 
when  he  feels  like  it. 

This  is,  in  too  many  cases,  the  husband  of  the 
present.  The  husband  of  the  future  will  be  a  great 
improvement  upon  him. 

He  will  marry  because  he  truly  loves  and  respects 
some  woman,  believes  in  her  as  in  the  best  and 
purest  half  of  himself,  and  in  marriage,  not  as  a  mere 
question  of  dollars  and  cents,  but  as  necessary  to  the 
completion  of  a  life. 

The  great  fault  of  this  age  is,  that  everything  is 
made  a  mere  question  of  money.  How  much  will  it 
cost  ?  Will  it  pay  ?  This  is  the  standard  to  which 
principles  and  feelings  are  alike  reduced.  Yet  the 
money,  so  thriftily  saved,  is  squandered  in  the  most 
senseless  manner.  It  brings  neither  beauty  nor  de- 
light to  the  heart  of  its  possessor. 

The  husband  of  the  future  will  not  ask  if  it  costs 
more  to  keep  two  than  one.  He  will  consider  the 
wants  of  his  own  nature,  its  craving  for  companion- 
ship, its  love  of  beauty  and  order,  its  desire  to  form 
those  ties  which,  while  they  break  down  the  walls  of 


THE  FUTURE  HUSBAND.  171 

our  solGshness,  become  the  sources  of  oui  highest 
happiness. 

He  will  not  infringe  upon  the  liberty  that  belongs 
to  his  wife,  any  more  than  he  would  that  of  his  neigh- 
bor. As  queen  of  the  household,  he  will  yield  her 
absolute  supremacy  in  that  department,  subject  only 
to  such  suggestions  from  himself  as  he  would  receive 
from  her  in  relation  to  his  own  affairs. 

To  secure  all  the  good  of  which  the  relation  is 
capable,  he  will  be  wise  in  the  bestowal  of  his  affec- 
tion and  his  trust.  He  will  learn  to  detect  the  evi- 
dences of  moral  and  spiritual  loveliness,  and  place 
less  value  upon  the  merely  exterior  attractions  which 
can  be  so  well  imitated  by  the  chemist  or  the  hair- 
dresser. 

Actuated  by  higher  motives,  he  will  no  longer  be 
afraid  of  marrying  a  woman  "smarter"  than  himself, 
but  will  consider  himself  fortunate  in  having  a  wife 
reasonable,  intelligent,  well  informed,  one  capable  of 
exercising  judgment  and  managing  a  household,  and, 
if  need  be,  supporting  it. 

But,  in  the  future,  such  women  will  not  be  had  for 
the  asking  ;  men  must  deserve  them,  and  admit  their 
right  to  a  seat  upon  the  matrimonial  throne,  not  a 
place  at  its  footstool. 


172  ^OR  BETTER   OR    WORSE. 


CHAPTER  XVII. 
THE   FAMILY  OF  THE  FUTURE. 

OxE  of  the  saddest  aspects  of  the  modern  agitation 
and  social  warfare  which  the  question  of  "  Woman's 
Rights,"  so  called,  has  brought  to  the  surface,  lies  in 
the  inroads  which  it  js  making  upon  the  unity  and 
perpetuity  of  the  family. 

Already  the  false  and  sophistical  notion  of  social 
liberty,  of  freedom  in  the  relations  between  man  and 
woman,  has  gained  ground,  which  threatens  disaster, 
if  not  destruction,  to  the  social  fabric.  Women  have 
adopted  and  publicly  proclaimed  their  belief  in  this 
idea,  whose  lives  and  characters  are  beyond  reproach, 
whose  motives  should  be  beyond  suspicion,  whose 
disinterested  services  for  the  material  improvement 
and  advancement  of  their  own  sex,  have  heretofore  se- 
cured the  gratitude  and  recognition  of  all  those  who 
were  capable  of  appreciating  them. 

It  is  useless,  and  unworthy  of  reflecting  men  and 
women,  to  discuss  the  subject  with  a  sneer,  or  lightly 
attribute  wrong  motives  to  the  performance  of  any 
action.     Such  treatment  docs  not  meet  the  exigencies 


THE  FAMILY  OF  THE  FUTURE.  \1^ 

of  the  case,  or  enable  us  to  solve  any  of  its  problems. 
The  first  essential  to  overcoming  a  diflSculty  is  ability 
to  form  a  fair  estimate  of  it. 

Men  always  judge  women  by  themselves  ;  they 
cannot  realize,  therefore,  that  this  cry  for  freedom  on 
the  part  of  women  is  freedom  from  men,  not  freedom 
with  men. 

Women  have  been,  and  are,  held  in  subjugation  by 
men,  and  it  is  the  individual  results  of  this  condition 
which  have  aggregated  themselves  into  a  powerful 
force,  and  now  demand  freedom.  The  mistake  of 
this  demand  lies  in  its  opposition  to  natural  law,  and 
therefore  its  utter  impracticability. 

What  they  should  have  demanded  is  —  Equality 
with  men  in  all  mutual  relations.  And  what  they 
might  properly  have  decreed  is  —  Absolute  separation 
from  man  until  that  equality  was  conceded. 

Thousands  of  women  would  have  flocked  to  this 
standard  who  see  only  contamination  in  the  other  — 
not  alone  from  the  construction  men  put  upon  it,  but 
because  it  offers  the  dignity  of  a  motive  to  the  wicked- 
ness of  both  men  and  women. 

Revolts  are  generally  unwise,  often  dangerous,  but 
there  is  always  a  reason  for  them.  The  difficulty  is, 
that  the  reason  is  never  acknowledged,  or  taken  into 
account  by  the  opposing  par^s.  Assertion  is  met 
by  assertion  ;  "  I  won't !  "  by  "  You  shall  !  "  and  it 
finishes  up  with,  "  I  am  the  stronger,  and  I'll  make 
you." 


174  FOR  BETTER   OR    WORSE. 

The  power  of  love  to  conquer  hate,  of  good  to 
overcome  evil,  has  been  preached  for  eighteen  hun- 
dred years ;  but  who  can  think  of  making  a  practical 
application  of  it? 

Woman's  Rights  is  a  very  simple  thing,  or  was  in 
its  first  inception.  It  was  only  the  experience  of  in- 
dividual sense  of  injustice,  of  unused  force,  of  de- 
spised and  neglected  capacity,  and  so  far  was  right- 
eous and  true.  The  political  direction  which  the 
question  took  was  due  to  the  controlling  influence 
of  politics  in  this  country,  and  the  necessity  which 
seemed  to  exist  for  women  to  share  the  power,  in  order 
to  obtain  justice  and  equality. 

The  effort  will  not  be  successful  to  the  extent,  or 
in  the  way,  that  its  advocates  expect,  because  it  is 
opposed  to  the  natural  order  of  things,  and  because 
the  true  genius  and  highest  interests  of  women  are 
not  in  the  exaltation  and  triumph  of  material,  but  of 
the  moral  and  spiritual  forces. 

It  is  perfectly  useless  for  women  to  meet  and  fight 
battles  with  men  upon  their  own  ground.  It  must 
always  be  at  a  disadvantage  and  final  loss.  What 
they  have  to  do  is,  to  bring  men  up  to  their  ground, 
to  win  them  over  by  patient  effort,  and  compel  them 
to  admit  that  the  co-operation  of  women  is  as  neces- 
sary as  that  of  men  to  the  best  products  of  human 
thought  and  intelligence. 

This,  however,  cannot  be  done  all  at  once  ;  it  is  a 
work  of  time  and  growth.     Women  naturally  follow 


THE  FAMILY  OF   THE  FUTURE.  1^5 

the  lead  of  men  in  asserting  their  claims  and  in  mak- 
ing their  demands,  and  the  most  alarming  feature  of 
it  is,  that  being  met,  as  it  is,  and  will  be,  by  jeers 
and  opposition,  instead  of  kindness  and  conciliation,  it 
will  provoke  a  spirit  of  reckless  and  desperate  deter- 
mination. Careless  of  consequences,  and  willing  to 
overthrow  all  laws,  human  and  divine,  that  stand  in  the 
way  of  its  imperious  will,  this  result  is  foreshadowed 
in  the  upheavals  and  commotions  which  already  stir 
the  very  foundations  of  our  social  and  domestic  life, 
in  the  growing  selfishness  and  indiflFerence  to  do- 
mestic ties  on  the  part  of  men,  in  the  unwillingness 
to  accept  the  cares  and  burdens  which  civilization  im- 
poses on  them,  on  the  part  of  women,  in  the  gradual 
dying  out  of  the  old  time  courtesy  which  distinguished 
men  in  their  relations  to  women,  in  the  development 
of  a  spirit  of  opposition  to  and  hatred  of  men  among 
women;  finally,  in  the  tendency  towards  the  separa- 
tion, instead  of  the  unity  of  individuality  in  mai*ried  life. 
All  these  evils,  and  tendencies  to  evils,  men  lay 
upon  the  shoulders  of  women.  It  is  your  nonsense 
about  freedom  and  woman's  rights,  they  say,  which 
has  made  men  feel  that  their  honor  was  no  longer 
safe  in  the  keeping  of  a  wife  ;  that  courtesy  and  defer- 
ence were  unnecessary  towards  women  who  were 
striving  to  take  the  place  of  men.  But  we  never 
heard  that  these  same  men  gave  any  guarantee  to 
their  wives  that  their  honor  was  safe  in  their  keeping, 
or  that,  when  they  stopped  yielding  to  women  the 


176  FOR  BETTER   OR    WORSE, 

kindness  and  courtesy  accorded  to  tlieir  sex,  they  sub- 
stituted for  it  the  equal  relatious  which  exist  between 
man  and  man. 

Men  cannot  so  easily  get  rid  of  their  share  of  the 
responsibility.  "  Woman's  Rights "  was  an  effect 
before  it  became  a  cause,  and  its  cause  lies  away 
back  in  man's  wickedness  and  selfishness.  The 
steps  taken  to  cure  an  evil  are  simply  remedial. 
They  never  represent  the  condition  of  good  which 
we  hope  to  attain.  It  is  getting  to  be  a  question 
certainly  whether  remedies  are  not  worse,  or  do  not 
provoke  a  condition  worse,  than  the  disease  itself. 
But  this  is  not  settled  as  yet,  and  in  the  mean  time 
the  world  is  full  of  doctors  and  remedies  for  every 
disease,  mental,  moral,  and  physical,  that  imperfect 
flesh  is  heir  to  ;  and  in  our  modern  hurry  to  set  every- 
thing straight,  we  not  only  avoid  giving  nature  any 
opportunity  to  effect  her  own  cure,  but  we  seize  the 
sharpest  instruments,  and  to  get  rid  of  a  sore,  cut  off 
a  limb  and  maim  the  whole  body  without  the  smallest 
compunction  ;  possibly  spend  the  rest  of  our  lives  in 
defending  the  act,  and  urging  others  to  do  the  same, 
under  like  circumstances. 

Individuality  and  Woman's  Rights  are  instruments 
and  remedies  which  women  have  used  to  bring  about 
results  as  various  as  the  mental  constitution  of  the 
persons  who  employ  them  ;  and  the  immediate  results 
promise  to  be  as  disastrous  as  the  use  of  violent 
agencies,  by  inexperienced  practitioners,  must  be. 


THE  FAMILY  OF  THE  FUTURE.  V\1 

In  the  absence  of  willingness  to  do  right,  extreme 
measures  sometimes  become  necessary,  however,  and 
the  very  circumstances  which  seem  most  deplora- 
ble may  be  the  agencies  for  working  out  the  final 
good.  The  necessity  of  the  family  is  co-operation 
and  unity  of  interests.  The  tendency  of  the  age  is 
to  self-assertion  and  individuality,  and  this  leads  to 
disruption  and  anarchy.  Where  the  man  is  the  mo- 
nopolizer, and  representative  of  the  united  individ- 
uality, the  household  l)ecomes  a  despotism,  and,  al- 
though it  may  continue  to  exist,  does  so  at  the  ex- 
pense of  the  life,  the  strength,  the  heart  of  the  wife 
and  mother. 

Capacities  of  all  kinds  must  be  exercised,  in  or  out 
of  marriage,  or  they  die,  and  their  influence  is  lost  to 
the  family  and  the  world.  Such  waste  could  never 
be  countenanced  by  the  Almighty ;  he  is  too  good 
an  economist  for  that. 

But  if,  on  the  contrary,  you  put  two  dominating 
wills  together,  each  possessed  with  the  idea  that  their 
individual  feelings,  wishes,  desires,  should  be  consid- 
ered paramount  to  every  other  interest,  and  bound  to 
make  whatever  they  have  power  to  control  subordi- 
nate to  themselves,  the  natural  result  will  be  the  war- 
fare and  the  final  annihilation  of  the  home  and  the 
family,  which  should  have  been  the  object  of  their 
coming  together. 

In  all  this  I  have  said  no  word  on  the  subject  of 
this  chapter  of  the  family  of  the  future,  which  is  to 
12 


178  FOR  BETTER   OR    WORSE. 

spring  out,  phoenix-like,  from  the  smoke  of  the  present, 
the  ashes  of  the  past. 

How  can  I  speak  of  that  which  presupposes  the 
absence  of  selfishness  in  an  age  of  selfishness  ? 
which  demands  sacrifice  in  an  age  of  appropriation  ? 
which  requires  unity  in  an  age  of  individual  sov- 
ereignty ? 

It  is  not  to  women,  it  is  to  men,  that  these  words 
ought  to  be  addressed  ;  for  it  is  in  them  lies  the  pow- 
er to  realize  this  idea,  and  by  doing  justly,  make  the 
family  of  the  future  the  family  of  the  present. 

The  first  essential  to  growth  and  happiness  iu  the 
family  is  equality  in  the  relations  between  husband 
and  wife.  The  family  is  a  composite  musical  instru- 
ment ;  it  has  a  set  of  keys  upon  the  outside,  and  a 
set  of  keys  upon  the  inside,  both  of  which  require  to 
be  played  in  time  and  in  tune,  to  produce  harmony, 
and  one  is  as  essential  as  the  other. 

This  being  the  case,  why  should  not  one  be  ac- 
knowledged in  the  only  way  in  which  men  recognize 
value,  as  well  as  the  other  ?  That  is  to  say,  why 
does  the  husband  appropriate  all  the  funds  of  the 
family,  save,  invest,  speculate,  lose  or  hold,  while  the 
wife,  performing  her  full  share  of  the  work  of  the 
small  community,  is  spoken  of  as  "  supported,"  and 
lives  dependent  upon  the  husband's  bounty  'i 

When  children  have  grown  up,  the  sous  are  taken 
into  business  by  the  father,  and  at  once  assigned  an 
iucomo  of  their  own,  which  renders    them  compara- 


THE   FAMILY  OF   THE  FUTURE.  179 

tively  indepeudent ;  the  daughters  ought  naturally  to 
fiud  occupation  by  assisting  their  mother  in  the  house- 
hold, performing  in  this  way  with  ease  and  pleasure 
almost  the  entire  labor,  and  making  the  home,  whether 
large  or  small,  truly  a  home  to  father  and  brothers. 

Imagine  a  family  governed  by  this  principle,  where 
each  worked  for  the  benefit  of  all  ;  where  the  husband 
and  father,  instead  of  selfishly  appropriating  every 
dollar  of  the  income  as  his  by  right,  leaving  his  fami- 
ly to  fiud  their  sole  interest  in  his  death,  acknowledges 
the  equal  importance  of  the  function  of  wife  and 
mother,  commits  to  her  the  care,  direction,  and  guar- 
dianship of  the  household,  assigns  to  her  the  means 
for  its  support,  and  recognizes  her  right  to  such  a 
share  in  the  surplus  as  will  place  the  duty  of  wife, 
faithfully  performed,  on  a  par  with  that  of  the  hus- 
band. 

When  the  girls  are  old  enough  to  have  some  regu- 
lar share  of  the  household  work  assigned  them,  the 
mother  should  be  able  to  make  them  such  an  allow- 
ance as  would  enable  them  to  provide  themselves  with 
whatever  they  need,  and  this  not  as  a  favor  or  a  gra- 
tuity, but  as  their  right,  as  remuneration  for  their 
labor,  as  acknowledgment  by  father  and  mother  of 
valuable  service  rendered  in  the  general  interest  of 
the  family. 

Would  not  the  work  of  our  household  be  ennobled 
in  this  way  ?  Would  it  not  be  savingly,  graciously, 
and  healthfully  performed  ?     Would  it  not  redeem  our 


180  FOR  BETTER   OR  WORSE. 

girls  from  the  curse  of  idleness,  frivolity,  and  useless- 
ncss  ?  Would  it  not  prepare  them  for  the  work  of 
building  up  homes  in  the  future  ?  Would  it  not  save 
families  from  the  disintegration  and  decay  which 
follow  our  system  of  foreign  service  ?  Would  it  not 
stimulate  women  to  right  effort  ?  Would  it  not  save 
men  from  the  curse  of  selfishness  and  domination  ? 

It  may  be  said  that  money  is  needed  for  great  en- 
terprises, and  that  men  must  control  it  in  order  to  be 
able  to  undertake  these  and  carry  them  through  suc- 
cessfully. 

How  many  enterprises  are  "great"  out  of  the 
millions  in  which  men  engage  ?  How  many  are  worth 
the  sacrifice  of  their  own  truth  and  honor,  of  the 
words  they  have  pledged,  of  the  wife  they  loved,  of 
the  children  they  are  responsible  for,  of  their  own  con- 
science and  convictions  of  duty? 

But  there  is  no  necessity  to  sacrifice  great  interests 
to  anything  excepting  a  greater  duty.  Men  rarely 
live  in  the  railroads  of  which  they  are  directors,  or  in 
piles  of  buildings  which  may  be  burned  down,  but 
they  live  forever  in  their  children  —  while  every  act 
of  their  lives,  every  influence  which  they  exert,  are 
so  many  stones  out  of  which  their  own  monuments 
are  constructed. 

The  best  men  realize  that  it  is  not  right  or  good 
for  them  to  be  monopolizers.  Some  have  come  to 
the  view  of  the  case  which  I  have  endeavored  to 
present,  of  their  own  free  will.     And  many  others 


THE  FAMILY  OF  THE  FUTURE.  181 

know  it,  but  the  selfish  habit  of  authority  and  appro- 
priation is  too  strong  for  them ;  they  cannot  give  it 
up,  and  they  content  themselves  with  thinking  that 
they  only  do  as  other  men  do. 

In  a  pecuniary  point  of  view,  men  are  not  aware 
how  much  they  lose  by  not  yielding  to  woman  her 
proper  position  of  manager  and  disburser.  Women 
are  natural  economists,  and  always  safe  business 
agents  —  they  do  not  take  the  risks  of  men,  but  they 
rarely  lose  in  a  business  transaction.  Their  capacity 
seems  to  be  especially  adapted  to  taking  care  of  and 
keeping  together  that  which  is  provided  by  the 
strength  and  labor  of  men.  I  do  not  believe  in  hard 
labor,  or  double  labor,  or  men's  labor,  for  women. 
They  are  not  adapted  to  it ;  it  destroys  them  for  wo- 
men, without  enabling  them  to  properly  represent  men. 
It  is  bad  economy  for  women  to  do  work  which  men 
can  accomplish  with  half  the  expenditure  of  time  and 
strength. 

We  are  probably  approaching  a  curious,  and,  to 
many,  a  dark  page  in  human  history ;  but  out  of  the 
darkness  light  has  always  arisen,  and  through  expe- 
rience men  and  women  will  grow  wise,  and  learn  that 
first  lesson  of  their  childhood,  —  which  the  oldest  man 
rarely  fully  knows,  —  that  better  is  he  that  can  sub- 
due his  own  selfishness,  than  he  that  has  strength  to 
take  what  belongs  to  others. 

Then,  instead  of  the  family  resembling  a  porcupine, 
with  I's  like  sharp  quills,  standing  out  in  every  direc- 


182  FOR  BETTER   OR   WORSE. 

tion,  it  will  correspond  to  a  green  and  stately  tree, 
whose  every  branch,  and  leaf,  and  twig  are  fed  by  the 
sap  which  flows  in  the  trunk,  and,  in  return,  surrounds 
and  infolds  it,  giving  back  beauty,  solace,  companion- 
ship, and  all  that  makes  life  worth  the  living,  for  the 
sustenance  received. 

But  suppose  the  trunk  should  keep  the  sap  in 
its  own  possession,  giving  it  out  by  drops  here  and 
there,  or  keeping  it  back  according  to  its  caprice  and 
inclination ;  what  kind  of  tree  would  be  the  result  ? 
Only  a  withered,  shapeless,  irregular,  gnarled,  and 
knotted  abortion,  fit  emblem  of  the  results  of  human 
passion,  pride,  and  egotism. 

The  kingdom  of  God  is  within  us.  Do  we  any  of 
us  realize  the  full  meaning  of  these  words  ?  Do  we 
not  always  feel  that  we  must  wait  till  some  time  in 
the  future,  before  we  commence  doing  a  good  thing  ? 
But  why  wait  a  day  to  realize  the  dream  of  the  family 
of  the  future. 

Let  us  each  who  live  in  thp  family  commence  now, 
by  doing  our  own  whole  duty,  by  putting  aside  self, 
by  influencing  others,  as  far  as  possible,  to  do  theirs. 

Let  the  mistress  of  the  house  take  the  reins,  and 
make  herself  responsible  for  the  comfort  and  happi- 
ness of  all  under  the  roof.  Let  the  home  be  a  place 
of  rest  from  strife  and  turmoil. 

Let  the  daughters  bo  educated  to  be  the  mother's 
assistants,  as  the  sons  the  father's,  unless  power  and 
inclination  urge  them  to  occupy  some  other  field  of 


THE  FAMILY  OF   THE  FUTURE.  183 

usefulness,  in  which  case,  fit  them  for  it,  as  sons  are 
fitted,  and  do  not  leave  them  dependent  upon  an  en- 
forced marriage  for  a  livelihood. 

Let  the  family  of  the  future  represent  in  very  truth 
the  beginning  of  the  kingdom  of  God  upon  earth, 
where  each  works  for  the  interest  and  happiness  of 
all,  where  love  for  others,  instead  of  devotion  to  self, 
is  the  motive  and  inspiration  to  exertion,  and  that 
happiness  most  prized  which  grows  out  of  the  per- 
formance of  duty. 


184  FOR  BETTER   OR  WORSE. 


CHAPTER  XVIII. 

MARRIED   FOREVER. 

It  is  strange  how  private  experience  repeats  itself 
in  the  history  of  individuals,  and  how  perpetually 
new  it  seems,  notwithstanding  that  it  is  a  tale  that 
has  been  told  o'er  and  o'er  again.  It  is  a  very  large 
and  exceptional  nature  which  can  realize  another  ex- 
perience than  its  own,  and  come  into  rapport  with 
the  causes  of  things,  without  having  felt  or  known 
the  effects. 

The  relations  of  the  sexes  have  always  been  a  fruit- 
ful source  of  speculation  and  theory.  Apparently 
productive  of  much  that  is  evil, — necessarily  so,  so 
long  as  human  nature  is  imperfect,  —  the  effort  has 
always  been  to  reconcile  impossibilities,  to  harmonize 
conditions  dependent  upon  human  weakness,  human 
frailty,  human  ideas  of  responsibility,  and  adjust  the 
supremacy  of  the  individual  to  a  unitary  system  (mar- 
riage), which  demands,  as  its  first  requisite,  the  sub- 
ordination of  individual  tastes,  desires,  feelings,  and 
wishes,  to  the  interests  and  well-being  of  the  family. 

The  real  difficulty  seems  to  be  that  the  institution 
of  the  family  is,  as  yet,  altogether  beyond  our  ordi- 


MARRIED  FOREVER.  185 

nary  methods  of  reasoning  and  comprehension.  It  is 
based  on  the  platform  of  duty  and  self-renunciation. 
Men  still  cling  to  self-assertion  as  their  inalienable 
right,  and  women  have  learned  the  lesson,  and  are' 
clamoring  too  for  separate  recognition,  and  acknowl- 
edgment for  their  right  to  individual  life,  liberty,  and 
the  pursuit  of  happiness. 

I  am  not  certain  but  that  it  is  these  premises  that 
bring  our  whole  social  superstructure  to  the  ground. 

I  doubt  whether  men  or  women  have  any  right  to 
life,  or  liberty,  or  the  pursuit  of  happiness,  or,  in  fact, 
any  rights  at  all. 

I  doubt  whether  liberty  is  possible,  or  happiness 
possible,  to  the  man  or  woman  who  pursues  it. 

I  cannot  assert  my  right  to  a  life  which  was  given 
me  in  ignorance  of  circumstances,  without  knowledge 
or  consent,  and  will  be  taken  away  again  equally 
without  my  permission,  or  designation  of  time  or 
place. 

Robinson  Crusoe  was  the  freest  man  ever  created. 
"  He  was  monarch  of  all  he  surveyed : 
His  right  there  was  none  to  dispute." 

Yet  I  doubt  if  a  man  in  his  described  position  would 
not  gladly  exchange  his  liberty  for  slavery  and  com- 
panionship with  his  fellows. 

The  truth  at  which  I  am  endeavoring  to  arrive  is 
simply  this :  that  duty  is  about  all  that  we  have  to 
do  with  in  this  world,  and  that  if  this  were  done, 
rights  would  very  readily  take  care  of  themselves. 


186  FOR  BETTER   OR    WORSE. 

But  when  some  people  do  not  perform  their  dnty, 
what  is  to  be  done  then  ?  Why,  we  can  at  least  go 
on  and  perform  ours. 

Two  wrongs  never  made  a  right,  and  their  short 
comings  cannot  excuse  wrong-doing  on  our  part. 

The  moral  conflict  is  occasioned  by  the  substitution 
of  individual  rights  for  individual  duties.  The  asser- 
tion of  rights  arras  individuals  against  each  other, 
while  the  recognition  of  ditties  draws  them  nearer 
together. 

The  individual  sovereignty  and  human  rights 
theory  is  responsible  for  all  the  sophistries  of  the 
modern  free  divorce  and  anti-marriage  speculations, 
and  not  only  for  the  misery  which  these  ideas  have 
introduced  in  our  homes,  but  for  the  disruption 
which  is  threatened  to  the  entire  family  relation  — 
that  one  divine  institution  which  is  stamped  with  the 
sign-manual  of  God  himself —  wjiich  no  neglect  or 
disregard  of  its  sacred  obligations  can  utterly  pervert 
or  destroy  —  which  lives  consecrated  in  the  hearts  of 
all  good  men  and  women,  as  the  highest  form  of  social 
life  which  humanity  has  yet  known. 

The  breaking  up  of  a  single  household  is  always 
followed  by  unspeakable  misery ;  imagine  the  confu- 
sion and  anarchy  consequent  upon  the  general  adop- 
tion of  the  free  platform  of  the  doctrine  of  individual 
rights  followed  out  to  its  legitimate  conclusions  ! 

The  union  of  the  sexes  upon  some  basis  or  other  is 
natural   and  inevitable.      Marriage  is  the   only  one 


MARRIED  FOREVER.  Igt 

which  we  know  of  that  meets  the  exigencies  of  the 
case,  and  its  honor,  its  safety,  and  its  happiness  are 
all  founded  in  its  permanence,  and  in  the  sense  of 
obligation  and  responsibility  which  attaches  to  it. 

Its  best  test  is  found  in  the  fact  that,  if  we  enter 
it  from  selfish  and  interested  motives,  with  the  pur- 
pose and  intention  of  employing  it  for  the  gratifica- 
tion of  our  individual  plans,  whims,  caprices,  and 
ambitions,  it  proves  gall  and  wormwood,  defeating  its 
primary  object,  and  working  out  a  retribution  on  the 
heads  of  its  desecrators. 

The  central  idea  in  marriage  is  reciprocity,  commu- 
nity of  interests,  community  of  labors,  community  of 
results.  Selfishness,  monopoly,  and  tyranny,  on  one 
side  or  the  other,  destroy  the  equilibrium,  produce 
discord  in  place  of  harmony,  and  weaken,  if  they  do 
not  kill,  the  affection  which  should  bring  individuals 
together,  which  lifts  the  relation  above  those  of  mere 
business  and  social  necessity. 

The  possibilities  of  marriage,  its  perfection  where 
the  conditions  are  in  harmony  with  each  other,  have 
never  yet  been  fully  realized,  and  the  still  greater 
mistake  has  been  made  of  supposing  that  mere  change 
would  cure  those  evils  which  result  from  the  radical  de- 
fects in  individual  organization. 

There  are,  undoubtedly,  persons  whose  influence 
and  atmosphere  aggravate  and  stimulate  our  natural 
tendencies  to  evil,  and  it  is  doubly  unfortunate  if  we 
find  ourselves  allied  to  such  persons  by  marriage  ;  but 


188  POR  BETTER   OR  WORSE. 

in  nineteen  cases  out  of  twenty  where  this  occurs,  it 
is  our  own  fault  —  it  is  because  marriage  has  become 
with  women  a  profession,  a  business  by  which  a  live- 
lihood was  to  be  obtained,  that  any  chance  is  seized 
which  offers  itself;  and  thus  great  mistakes  are  made, 
the  consequences  of  which  must  be  borne. 

But  asks  the  questioner,  "  Are  the  consequences 
of  such  a  mistake  to  be  borne  forever  ?  " 

There  is  no  help  for  it ;  the  consequences  of  a  mis- 
take must  be  borne,  as  long  as  they  last,  by  some  one 
or  other ;  and  it  is  suflScient  evidence  of  the  falsity  of 
the  individual  rights  doctrine,  that  we  are  so  depend- 
ent upon  each  other,  our  interests  are  so  closely  inter- 
woven with  those  of  others,  that  the  consequences  of 
our  mistakes  cannot  be  confined  to  ourselves,  but 
must  be  borne  by  others,  and  that  this  enlargement  of 
their  responsibility  is  generally  in  proportion  to  the 
strength  of  their  sympathy  and  the  greatness  of  their 
humanity. 

If  the  sole  object  of  marriage  was  increase  of  per- 
sonal pleasure  and  enjoyment,  and  if  this  could  be 
best  secured  by  personal  indulgence  and  disregard  of 
the  wants  and  wishes  of  others,  then  tliere  would  bo 
some  excuse  for  the  instant  separation  of  married  per- 
sons, when  living  together  seemed  no  longer  condu- 
cive to  mutual  happiness. 

But  marriage  was  not  instituted  for  the  benefit  of 
individuals  alone.  Its  great  object  was  to  found  the 
family,  and  the  moment  its  obligations  are  assumed 


MARRIED  FOREVER.  189 

its  duties  commence,  and  thereafter  ought  to  control 
or  influence  every  important  act  of  our  lives. 

Instead,  therefore,  of  realizing  a  greater  sense  of 
personal  freedom,  we  find  ourselves  environed  by  im- 
perative circumstances.  We  have  set  sail  on  an  un- 
tried sea,  where  we  must  remain,  because  we  cannot 
return  as  we  went  away  :  the  places  that  knew  us 
would  know  us  no  more,  and  whatever  the  position, 
the  best  must  be  made  of  it. 

Ordinarily,  the  diflBculties  are  such  as  are  easily 
surmounted  ;  and,  in  most  cases,  the  hap'piness  that 
springs  from  society  and  companionship,  united  to 
wedded  love,  more  than  compensates  for  the  restric- 
tions and  responsibilities  which  new  relations  impose. 

Very  rarely  is  the  difficulty  of  living  together  so 
great  as  the  evils  and  wrong  of  separation  ;  but  if 
this  should  be  —  if  the  burden  became  intolerable, 
and  too  heavy  to  be  borne,  and  separation  the  great- 
est good  to  the  greatest  number  —  it  should  take 
place  quietly  and  with  dignity,  so  that  self-respect 
may  be  at  least  preserved,  and  the  evil  effects  re- 
stricted to  as  small  a  circle  as  possible. 

The  fault  of  the  free  divorce  system  is  this  :  that 
it  would  involve  thousands  and  tens  of  thousands  in 
all  the  evils  of  separation,  without  adequate  cause. 

There  are  times  in  the  lives  of  nearly  all  married 
people,  when,  from  one  cause  or  other,  they  feel  that 
marriage  has  been  a  mistake  for  them,  and  that  it 
would  be  better  to  live  apart.     This  state  of  feeling 


190  POR  BETTER   OR    WORSE. 

is  not  always  produced  by  a  great  and  irretrievable 
error  ou  the  part  of  either,  but  by  a  number  of  small 
causes,  something  like  the  accumulation  of  rubbish 
after  years  of  housekeeping.  Breaches  of  this  de- 
scription, heightened  and  widened  by  injudicious 
friends,  or  even  by  very  kind  and  sympathizing 
friends,  often  lead  to  the  disruption  and  breaking  up 
of  families,  where  time  and  a  sober  second  thought 
would  have  healed  the  wound  and  reconciled  the  dif- 
ferences. 

Few  people  can  live  together  for  any  length  of  time 
without  disagreements  arising  between  them  ;  often 
they  are  small,  and  proceed  from  trivial  causes  —  the 
natural  results  of  diflference  in  habit,  education,  modes 
of  thinking,  mental  or  physical  constitution,  and  the 
like  ;  but  for  the  time  being  they  seem  terrible  ;  the 
death-blow  has  apparently  been  struck  at  all  hopes  of 
earthly  happiness,  and  the  wife  or  husband,  perhaps 
both,  think  with  dread  of  the  future,  and  ask  them- 
selves. Is  this  to  go  on  forever  ?  » 

I  have  frequently  wondered  that  more  separations 
did  not  take  place  during  the  early  years  of  married 
life  —  that  unripe  period  when  the  sky  seems  falling 
every  time  the  wind  blows  —  and  I  think  it  says  a 
good  deal  for  the  common  sense  of  both  men  and  wo- 
men that  they  generally  manage  to  live  over  that  try- 
ing time,  and  emerge  from  it  with  truer  affection  for 
and  stronger  faith  in  each  other. 

The  difiiculties  in  the  way  of  a  quiet  and  peaceful 


MARRIED  FOREVER.  191 

(which  does  not  always  mean  happy  or  prosperous) 
married  life  have  been  greatly  enhanced  by  the  re- 
cent "  Woman's  Movement."  Women  formerly  ac- 
cepted the  situation  as  something  foreordained,  and 
which  could  not  be  helped  or  remedied  ;  but  the  mod- 
ern theory  of  individual  rights  demands  that  a  woman 
shall  be  free  to  live  her  life  as  well  as  a  man  his,  and 
that  their  separate  individualities  are  superior  to,  in- 
stead of  subordinated  by,  the  duties  and  claims  of  the 
family. 

The  "  Woman's  Movements  "  are  good  as  weapons, 
but  they  belong  to  a  state  of  warfare.  They  are  the 
outgrowth  of  the  appropriative,  masterful,  and  tyranni- 
cal spirit  of  men,  and  they  will  continue  until  justice, 
or  at  least  partial  justice,  has  been  done. 

I  have  little  faith  in  the  moral  power  of  women  ef- 
fecting any  beneficent  change  through  the  sufirage, 
when  they  obtain  a  vote  ;  because,  in  the  exercise  of 
the  ballot,  intelligence  counts  for  nothing.  It  is  an 
instrument  more  powerful  in  the  hands  of  the  ignorant 
and  prejudiced  mass  than  in  the  hands  of  the  edu- 
cated, thoughtful,  and  tolerant  few. 

But  the  effort  to  obtain  it,  to  lift  themselves  to 
a  higher  place,  to  take  a  part  in  the  public  inter- 
ests and  activities  of  life,  will  educate  and  ennoble 
women  ;  while  experience  will  show  them,  as  it  has 
already  demonstrated  to  thoughtful  men,  that  public 
opinion  is  more  powerful  than  the  ballot,  and  that  the 
evidence  of  power  shown  in  the  demand  for  it  and  for 


192  FOR  BETTER    OR  WORSE. 

larger  opportunities  aud  fields  of  usefulness  will  do 
for  them  what  could  never  be  achieved  by  the  exten- 
eion  of  suffrage  to  every  woman  as  well  as  every  man. 

Marriage  in  the  future  may  be  less  universal,  but  it 
will  be  more  perfect  than  it  is  now,  because  it  will  be 
entered  into  by  both  parties  from  the  highest  motives 
of  duty  and  affection. 

Men  and  women  who  wish  to  "  live  their  own 
lives,"  as  the  phrase  is,  will  not  marry,  or  will  con- 
sent to  that  partial  union  which  admits  of  individual 
freedom. 

The  doctrine  of  indissolubility  in  marriage  would 
be  better  than  the  doctrine  of  free  divorce,  for  it  would 
put  the  idea  of  duty  and  obligation  in  place  of  selfish- 
ness and  the  indulgence  of  caprice  and  inclination. 
Duty  is  the  noblest  kind  of  inspiration.  It  is  that 
consent  of  our  reason  and  judgment  to  our  acts  which 
separates  us  from  animal  life,  governed  only  by  its 
lawless  instincts. 


V 


HOUSEHOLD   TRADITIONS.  193 


CHAPTER    XIX. 

HOUSEHOLD   TRADITIONS. 

There  is  an  odor  of  respectability,  which  is  almost 
sanctity,  about  the  simplest  custom  which  has  long- 
continued  practice  to  aid  in  backing  up  its  other  pre- 
tensions. Women,  especially,  are  impressed  with 
reverence  for  that  which  bears  the  mark  of  antiquity, 
or  can  bring  an  array  of  accepted  authorities  to  en- 
force its  claims  to  their  respect  and  consideration. 

Their  teaching,  from  the  cradle,  encourages  this 
blind  submission  to  authority.  Men  claim  the  right 
of  independent  thought  and  free  action  for  them- 
selves, but  consider  it  necessary  to  lay  down  strict 
rules  for  the  guidance  of  women  ;  and,  as  the  in-door 
life  of  women  is  dependent  on  the  out-door  life  of 
men  —  holds,  in  fact,  the  subjective  relation  to  his 
objective  position  —  men  have  been  able  to  have  it 
pretty  much  all  their  own  way. 

Moreover,  there  is  a  strong  element  of  the  poeti- 
cal, the  graceful,  and  the  picturesque  in  the  tradi- 
tional, which  appeals  at  once  to  the  sentiment  of  a 
woman's  nature,  which  may  have  had  small  other 
means  of  gratification.  The  love,  the  tenderuese, 
13 


194  FOR  BETTER    OR    WORSE, 

which  we  cherish  for  old  habits  and  old  customs  con- 
stitute the  ivy  and  the  moss  which  grow  and  cling 
around  the  remembrances  of  the  past ;  and  when  to 
this  is  added  the  fact  that  these  ancient  landmarks 
give  much  of  the  color  to  existence,  otherwise  con- 
demned to  weariness  and  monotony,  it  is  no  wonder 
that  they  are  highly  and  somewhat  unduly  valued. 

What  a  perpetual  fragrance,  for  example,  hangs 
about  the  word  Home  I  American  men  and  women 
are  never  tired  of  talking  and  writing  about  it ;  yet  there 
never  was  a  people,  except  the  French,  who  cared  so 
little  for  the  seclusion  and  privacy  of  home,  or  so  nat- 
urally herd  together  in  big  hotels  or  boardingThouscs. 
The  one  thought  of  the  occupants  of  "  cosy  nooks," 
and  "  country  cottages,"  and  "  comfortable  "  farm- 
houses, from  Maine  to  Georgia,  is,  how  to  get  away 
from  them.  There  may  be  exceptions  ;  but  if  there 
are,  they  are  to  be  found  principally  among  those  who 
have  exhausted  activity,  and  arrived  at  that  point 
where  nothing  seems  so  good  as  rest. 

Everybody  loves  and  cherishes  the  thought  of  home  ; 
but  it  is  as  an  ideal  conception,  rather  than  a  real  pos- 
session. They  theorize  upon  it,  expend  money  upon 
it ;  but,  after  all,  they  do  not  get  out  of  it  what  they 
expected,  and  they  generally  end  by  getting, away 
from  it  as  far  as  possible. 

The  glowing  articles  about  the  delights  of  home 
and  of  one's  own  fireside  which  appear  in  newspapers, 
are  generally  written  by  Bohemian  men  and  wandering 


HOUSEHOLD   TRADITIONS.  195 

women,  who  occupy  very  small  and  dismal  rooms  in 
boarding-houses,  and  who,  while  they  sometimes  ex- 
perience a  longing  for  the  homes  they  describe,  really 
enjoy  their  nomadic  life,  and  would  not  exchange  it 
for  the  routine  of  family  existence  for  any  considera- 
tion whatever. 

Men  have  a  general  idea  that  a  "  home  "  is  a  good 
thing  to  have,  a  safe  place  for  women  and  children,  a 
respectable  place  to  eat  and  sleep  in,  a  handy  place 
to  take  a  friend  to  dine,  and  the  best  evidence  of  so- 
lidity of  position  ;  but  as  to  living  there  —  that  is 
quite  another  question.  Men  living  in  the  country 
sometimes,  I  suppose,  stay  home  in  the  evening,  when 
an  insuperable  obstacle  presents  itself  between  them 
and  their  point  of  attraction  ;  but  no  storm  ever 
raged  that  could  prevent  a  resident  of  a  city  from 
taking  his  hat  and  his  night-key  as  soon  as  the  des- 
sert left  the  dinner-table,  and  the  baby  exhibited  the 
usual  signs  of  fatigue  and  weariness. 

There  are  reasons,  however,  why  homes,  even  such 
as  we  have,  should  be  more  attractive  to  men  than  to 
women.  In  them  men  exercise  the  authority  which, 
outside,  is  disputed  at  every  step  by  some  other  man. 
Moreover,  they  afford  the  change  and  relaxation 
which  women  only  get  when  they  leave  their  homes 
and  go  elsewhere. 

Men  are  received  at  home  as  guests.  The  hearth 
is  swept  for  them,  the  fire  brightened,  the  table  set, 
discords  and  difficulties  that  have  jarred  and  marred 


196  FOR  BETTER   OR   WORSE. 

the  day  arc  put  out  of  sight,  or  only  recalled  as  sub- 
jects for  jest,  and  the  entire  social  atmosphere  is  at- 
tuned to  pleasure  and  enjoyment.  This  is  not  the 
case  with  women.  Home  is  the  scene  of  their  daily 
routine  of  care  and  duty.  They  are  wearied  out  with 
the  incessant  demands  of  Jenny,  and  Johnny,  and 
Lucy,  and  Tommy,  with  the  baby  to  bring  up  the 
rear.  They  cannot  realize  the  aasthetic  charm  of  a 
home  whose  details  of  washing,  ironing,  sweeping, 
scrubbing,  cooking,  mending,  and  a  thousand  more, 
absorb  their  whole  time  and  strength,  and  return  day 
by  day  in  an  incessant,  treadmill  round,  which  rasps 
the  nerves  of  an  excitable,  active,  imaginative  wo- 
man, and  sets  her  almost  crazy. 

It  is  of  no  use  to  assert  that  such  a  state  of  mind 
is  wicked,  and  these  duties  the  special  business  of 
women.  The  fact  is,  simply,  that  it  exists.  There 
are  women,  good  women,  faithful  wives  and  conscien- 
tious mothers,  who,  at  times,  are  wrought  up  to  a 
pitch  almost  of  insanity  by  the  wearing  and  eternal 
recurrence  of  petty  cares  and  duties  ;  and  this  condi- 
tion not  only  prevents  them  from  realizing  the  ab- 
stract ideal  of  home,  as  it  exists  in  pen  and  pencil 
pictures,  but  it  destroys  much  of  their  own  power  of 
creating  such  a  home. 

Undoubtedly  there  are  women,  spite  of  tradition  to 
the  contrary,  who  never  should  do  it  —  women  who 
should  never  have  been  forced  to  accept  a  life  en- 
tirely repulsive  to  them,  wWen  their  whole  natures  de- 
manded a  diflereut  field  for  development  and  action. 


HOUSEHOLD   TRADITIONS.  197 

I  have  known  a  woman  fitted  to  lead  in  society, 
brilliant,  impassioned,  original,  who,  condemned  to  a 
hard  and  narrow  life  as  the  wife  of  a  small,  uneducat- 
ed farmer,  lived  ten  years,  and  finally  died  in  an  in- 
sane asylum. 

I  have  known  another,  a  teacher  of  refinement  and 
culture,  who,  after  having  been  sought  for  years  by  a 
man  of  small  capacity  and  limited  education,  finally 
married  him.  A  few  years  of  most  unhappy  married 
life,  which  changed  her  from  a  bright,  intelligent  giil 
into  a  dark,  sad,  silent  woman,  terminated  in  the  de- 
parture of  her  husband  to  the  seat  of  the  late  war. 
He  returned  at  its  close,  but  died  shoitly  after  from 
the  effects  of  his  excesses.  Fortunately  she  was  still 
young  enough  to  partly  retrieve  herself.  She  went 
back  to  her  old  occupation,  and  is  now  the  head  of  a 
thriving  educational  institution. 

I  have  heard  a  woman,  the  mother  of  several  chil- 
dren, say,  "  I  cannot  help  it  —  it  has  always  been 
the  hardest  and  most  trying  work  of  m}''  life  to  do 
housework  and  take  care  of  children.  I  am  a  natural 
vagabond.  I  hate  living  in  a  house  to  which  one  is 
tied  by  the  necessity  of  keeping  it  and  taking  care  of 
it.  Wherever  I  go  I  carry  my  house  and  my  children 
on  my  shoulders.  I  never  was  so  happy  as  when  I 
was  first  married,  and  we  lived,  Bohemian  fashion,  in 
two  rooms,  and  took  our  dinners  at  a  restaurant." 

In  the  country,  people  cling  with  much  greater 
tenacity  to  customs  and  traditions  than  in  large  cities. 


198  FOR  BETTER   OR     WORSE. 

In  cities,  people  become  more  cosmopolitan,  act  with 
greater  freedom,  and  follow  out  their  own  ideas  of 
work  and  living  with  less  regard  to  the  strictures  of 
Mrs.  Grundy. 

This  is  one  of  the  charms  and  one  of  the  advantages 
of  city  life. 

Somebody  says,  "  0,  the  misery  of  waking  in  the 
morning,  and  knowing  that  you  have  entered  upon  a 
day  which,  in  all  probability,  will  be  exactly  like  its 
predecessor,  and  equally  like  its  successor  1  " 

It  is  this  fearful  sameness  which  renders  the  home 
life  of  women  so  dreadfully  stagnating ;  it  is  the  habit 
of  treading  in  a  rut  until  it  seems  a  crime  to  leave  it, 
though  to  stay  in  it  were  to  die  in  it. 

Women  are  martyred  to  traditions  of  all  kinds. 
Some  are  obliged  to  make  mince  pies  or  plum  pud- 
dings just  so  many  times  in  the  year,  because  their 
husbands'  mothers  did  the  same.  Some  may  never 
indulge  their  taste  in  the  arrangement  of  their  own 
window  curtains,  because  it  is  opposed  to  popular;  or 
family  custom. 

In  no  other  respects  are  women,  especially  women 
living  in  the  country,  more  slaves  to  habit  and  tra- 
dition than  in  regard  to  eating  and  sleeping.  If  there 
is  little  or  nothing  to  do  —  as  is  very  often  the  case 
in  winter,  among  farmers,  for  example  —  the  whole 
family  must  rise  in  the  darkness  and  misery  of  bitter 
cold  mornings,  eat  their  breakfast  by  lamplight,  and 
bo   ready   for   the   hearty   family    dinner   at   twelve 


HOUSEHOLD   TRADITIONS.  199 

o'clock.  Throughout  the  day  there  is  little  work  for 
any  member  of  the  family  except  the  mother.  Iler 
work  goes  on  because  there  is  as  much  eating  done  as 
ever,  and,  worn  out,  partly  with  labor,  partly  with 
tfce  want  of  it,  they  all  retire  to  rest  at  nine  o'clock, 
just  as  the  house  begins  to  feel  warm  and  comfortable, 
and  the  opportunity  for  social  intercourse  should  put 
them  in  the  mood  for  enjoyment. 

The  only  way  to  make  living  tolerable  in  our 
northern  climate  in  winter  is,  to  make  our  days  short 
and  our  evenings  long.  It  is  always  early  enough  to 
rise  with  the  sun  ;  it  is  always  better  to  allow  a  short 
iime  to  intervene  before  taking  a  hearty  breakfast ; 
<wo  meals,  instead  of  three,  are  sufficient  in  the  short 
days,  and  not  only  save  a  vast  amount  of  labor,  but 
afford  a  break  to  that  inflexibility  of  routine,  which, 
persevered  in  against  all  material  and  immaterial  ob- 
stacles, in  time  crushes  the  life  out  of  soul  and  body. 

The  traditions  that  bind  the  women  of  to-day  to  so 
many  of  the  customs  of  the  past  also  make  the  home 
dependent  on  the  man,  and,  therefore,  an  autocrat  in 
it.  This  is  wrong.  The  home  should  be  created  by 
the  woman,  out  of  means  provided  by  the  man.  It  is 
her  world,  her  domain.  She  has  to  bear  and  rear  the 
children  who  are  born  in  it.  She  has,  in  fact,  to  do 
the  work  of  it ;  and  her  machinery,  her  implements, 
and  her  materials  of  every  description  should  be,  as 
far  as  possible,  of  her  own  choosing. 

What  would  a  man  think  of  a  woman  who  should 


200  FOR  BETTER   OR    WORSE. 

insist  upon  building  his  shop,  selecting  and  limiting 
the  number  of  his  tools,  declaring  whether  or  not  he 
should  have  any  workmen,  and  then  reproach  him 
with  the  poverty  of  his  achievements  ? 

Here  is  a  proper  and  legitimate  field  for  women, 
which,  as  yet,  has  never  been  worked  by  them  to  any 
profitable  results.  Women  ought  to  be  the  architects 
and  designers  of  all  dwelling-houses,  as  they  alone 
know  exactly  what  is  necessary  for  the  comfort  and 
convenience  of  a  family.  Men  never  can  realize  the 
necessity  for  closets,  or  the  immense  advantage  of 
having  the  repositories  of  household  materials  and 
agents,  required  every  minute  dui-ing  the  day,  so  *" 
conveniently  located  as  to  save  time  and  steps. 

All  women  have  realized  the  want  of  practical 
knowledge  displayed  by  architects .  and  builders  of 
dwelling-houses  of  the  needs  and  necessities  of  family 
life.  Sometimes  it  is  the  want  of  doors  or  windows 
in  the  right  place  for  convenience  and  ventilation  ; 
sometimes  it  is  small,  badly  placed  chimneys  ;  some- 
times a  room  rendered  poor  and  common  by  two  nar- 
row, contracted  windows,  placed  close  together,  like 
some  people's  eyes,  which  only  required  one  wide, 
handsome  one,  or  a  small  "  bay,"  to  have  achieved 
beauty  and  a  certain  distinction. 

But  it  is,  pre-eminently,  convenient  and  ample  closet- 
room  in  which  all  but  the  very  costliest  of  modern 
houses  fail.  Men  —  ordinary  men  —  never  can  see 
why  everything  and  everybody  cannot  be  hung  up  on 


HOUSEHOLD   TRADITIONS.  201 

three  pegs  in  the  hall,  and  the  entire  kitchen  depart- 
ment carried  on  with  the  help  of  a  gridiron. 

Women  ought  .also  to  be  the  real  estate  agents, 
especially  so  far  as  the  letting  of  houses  is  concerned. 
Men  notice  the  generally  fine  —  or  otherwise  —  ap- 
pearance of  the  exterior  and  interior  of  a  dwelling  ; 
but  it  is  quite  impossible  for  them  to  judge  properly 
of  the  details,  which  have  reference  to  housekeeping 
and  the  conveniences  for  doing  work. 

All  the  traditions  are  alike  in  compelling  women  to 
accept  the  situation,  whatever  it  may  be,  and  then 
fastening  upon  them  the  blame  of  not  being  able  to 
meet  its  exigencies  or  requirements.. 

One  of  the  traditions  of  the  home  with  men  is,  that 
it  is  not  an  arena  of  action,  but  a  place  of  rest.  To 
them  it  is  so  ;  and,  therefore,  they  do  not  realize,  and 
place  no  money  value  upon,  the  work  performed  there. 

Said  a  gentleman,  once,  as  he  watched  the  oper- 
ation of  clearing  a  tea  table,  "  I  never  realized  before 
the  number  of  steps  that  must  be  taken  and  the  amount 
of  work  required  for  so  simple  an  act  of  household 
necessity."  And  then  to  think  that,  for  this  simple 
"tea,"  the  table  had  to  be  set  as  well  as  cleared, 
butter  made,  bread  baked,  fruit  picked  and  preserved, 
cake  made,  a  table-cloth  and  napkins  hemmed,  silver 
polished,  rooms  swept  and  garnished,  and  the  same 
repeated  in  a  never-ending  circle  in  every  house,  in 
every  family,  all  over  the  world  —  modified  by  the 
different  degrees  of  civilization  —  for  every  meal,  for 
every  day  in  every  year; 


202  FOR  BETTER   OR    WORSE. 

I  think  if  all  the  tending  of  children,  washing  of 
clothing,  and  making  of  clothing  could  be  taken  into 
account,  it  would  be  found  that  women  performed 
twice  the  amount  of  physical  labor  performed  by 
men. 

How  do  men  amass  money  ?  In  nine  cases  out  of 
ten,  by  the  labor  of  women.  There  are  hundreds  of 
little  fancy  stores  in  New  York  city  kept  by  German 
Jews.  Said  one  of  them  the  other  day,  in  answer  to 
a  question,  "  0,  yes ;  I  get  on  very  well  now.  I 
get  married,  and  then  I  begin  to  make  money." 

The  way  he  did  it  was  by  employing  his  wife  as  an 
assistant  as  well  as  maid  of  all  work.  In  one  person, 
therefore,  he  had  three  invaluable  coadjutors  ;  an  honest 
clerk,  a  trusty  housekeeper,  a  never-tiring  servant  — 
three  in  one,  bound  for  life,  for  the  trifle  of  ribbon 
and  pin-money  he  was  minded  to  bestow. 

But  it  IS  not  mere  physical  labor  alone  that  has  a 
money  value.  If  husbands  require  establishments  to 
be  kept  up,  and  their  wives  to  sustain  a  certain  social 
position,  this  also  should  be  recognized  as  work  ;  cer- 
tainly it  is  quite  as  much  so  as  filling  public  oflSces, 
and  often  requires  an  immense  sacrifice  of  inclination 
and  personal  feeling. 

The  traditional  idea,  that  one  is  rich  because  one  is 
in  possession  of  money,  is  quickly  exploded  when  one 
is  able  to  test  it  —  especially  if  the  money  is  held  in 
trust  for  definite  purposes,  and  is  felt  to  belong  to 
some  one  else. 


HOUSEHOLD   TRADITIONS.  203 

Everybody  has  heard  of  the  country  cousin  who 
came  to  New  York  to  see  a  rich  relative,  and  went 
back  disgusted,  with  the  news  that  "Tom"  was 
"  keeping  a  nigger  boarding-house  in  Fifth  Avenue." 

That  is  pretty  much  what  very  rich  people  do  — 
keep  boarding-houses  for  the  poor,  under  the  name  of 
servants  ;  and  a  very  unpleasant  task  it  is. 

In  this  way,  as  we  grow  older,  our  illusions  disap- 
pear, and  our  cherished  traditions  are  found  to  be  the 
facts  of  the  past,  seen  through  the  mirage  of  enchant- 
ment which  distance  lends  to  them.  Let  us  be  our- 
selves, and  act  from  within  ourselves,  and  enslave 
ourselves  neither  to  the  traditions  of  the  past  nor  the 
speculations  concerning  the  future  ;  but,  in  our  own 
hon^s,  wherever  our  influence  can  be  felt,  bear  our 
testimony  in  favor  of  what  is  best  and  truest  for  men 
and  women,  in  the  family,  in  the  church,  in  the  private 
or  public  arena,  without  fear  and  without  distrust. 


204  FOR  BETTER   OR    WORSE. 


CHAPTER    XX. 

MODERN  BRIDALS. 

A  WEDDING  took  place  the  other  evening  —  not  the 
only  one  on  that  particular  evening,  by  any  means, 
and  not  especially  differing  from  half  a  dozen  others, 
except  that  possibly  more  guests  were  invited,  and 
the  auspices  under  which  the  young  couple  started  in 
life  were  unusually  bright  and  promising. 

The  wedding  was,  as  prosperous  city  weddings  are, 
very  gay.  Seamstresses  and  dress-makers  had  been 
busy  for  weeks  beforehand.  What  the  bride  would 
have,  and  what  the  bride  would  wear,  had  been  the 
subject  of  discussion  during  morning  calls,  and  the 
social  evening  chit-chat  of  fifty  different  parlors  and 
sitting-rooms. 

And  now  the  great  day  had  arrived.  The  six 
bridesmaids  were  all  ready  ;  the  lockets,  inscribed  with 
the  monogram  of  the  bride  and  the  bridegroom,  had 
been  duly  presented  ;  the  bridal  dress,  of  white  satin 
and  lace,  was  spread  out ;  bouquets  from  the  bride- 
groom stood  in  crystal  vases ;  some  of  the  waiters, 


MODERN  BRIDALS.  205 

who  were  to  make  the  preliminary  arrangements  for 
the  grand  supper  from  a  fashionable  restaurateur's, 
had  commenced  operations  ;  everything  was  in  readi- 
ness for  an  entertainment,  which  would  properly  sig- 
nalize the  joyous  event. 

But  where  was  the  bride  —  the  girl  about  to  leave 
her  father's  roof,  her  mother's  side,  for  the  first  time, 
and  the  object  of  all  this  care,  solicitude,  and  prepa- 
ration ? 

Why,  she  was  on  her  knees — not  praying,  but 
superintending  the  packing  of  two  enormous  trunks, 
crying  and  laughing  between  times,  and  begging  "ma" 
to  see  that  her  travelling  dress  was  laid  ready,  and 
that  her  hat  was  laid  with  her  dress,  and  her  gloves 
with  her  hat,  and  that  nothing  was  forgotten. 

And  "  ma,"  the  tears  blinding  her  eyes  —  for  even 
city  life  does  not  destroy  all  natural  feeling  —  hurried 
from  one  thing  to  another,  putting  the  wrong  articles 
in  the  trunks,  mislaying  others,  wondering  if  the  new 
guardian  of  her  child's  happiness  would  be  always 
tender  and  good  to  her,  and  wishing,  0,  so  earnestly  ! 
that  she  could  have  her  just  a  little  while  longer,  and 
see  her  safely  tided  over  the  first  few  weeks  of  her 
new  and  strange  existence. 

But  it  cannot  be,  and  no  one  realizes  this  more 
strongly  than  the  poor  mother  herself.  She  would  be 
shocked  at  the  idea  of  her  daughter  not  complying 
with  established  usages,  —  doing  anything  out  of  the 
common  way,  and  the  proper  "  thing,"  as  everybody 


206  POR  BETTER    OR    WORSE. 

knows,  is  for  a  newly-married  couple  to  leave  their 
friends  immediately  after  the  ceremony,  and  hurry  on 
board  a  steamboat  or  railroad  car,  and  there  enjoy  the 
pleasure  of  publicity,  and  the  delight  of  being  pointed 
out  as  the  "  newly-married  couple,"  or  the  "  bride 
and  bridegroom." 

Of  course,  on  the  occasion  referred  to,  the  fashion- 
able order  of  things  was  not  departed  from.  The 
wedding  ceremony  took  place  at  seven  o'clock  in  the 
evening,  and  at  half  past  ten,  after  a  hurried  change 
of  dress,  the  bride  left  her  mother,  her  comfortable 
home,  her  troops  of  friends,  for  a  dingy  railroad  car ; 
there  to  suffer  all  the  inevitable  annoyances  of  a  rail- 
road trip,  under  the  most  trying  and  embarrassing 
circumstances. 

What  greater  absurdity  could  fashion  or  custom  en- 
join upon  us  than  this  ?  What  greater  indecency 
than  to  remove  a  young  girl  from  the  seclusion  of  her 
home,  the  guardianship  of  her  parents,  at  the  very 
time  that  she  needs  both  most,  and  make  her,  in  pub- 
lic places,  the  object  of  vulgar  curiosity  and  ribald  jest  ? 

The  first  experiences  of  married  life  are  not  apt,  by 
any  means,  to  be  so  blissful  as  many  people,  and  es- 
pecially young  people,  imagine.  To  the  young  wife, 
especially,  it  is  all  new,  and  strange,  and  untried.  Her 
husband,  heretofore,  has  been  only  the  most  devoted 
lover,  but  secretly,  perhaps,  he  has  determined  "that 
this  sort  of  thing  "  cannot  last  forever  ;  and  though 
he  may  bo  willing,  in  his  own  phraseology,  to  "  lot 


MODERN  BRIDALS.  207 

her  down  easy,"  he  still  exhibits  enough  of  conscious- 
ness of  change  in  their  relative  positions  to  strike  her 
with  surprise  and  amazement,  and  questions  if  this  is 
the  man  who  had  professed  himself  willing  to.  die  for 
her,  and  for  whom  she  had  given  up  home,  friends, 
youthful  pleasures,  and  the  admiration  of  others, 
possibly,  as  worthy  of  regard  as  himself. 

This  awakening  does  not  come  all  at  once,  but  by 
degrees,  and  the  wise  mother,  having-  her  daughter 
with  her  for  the  first  few  weeks  after  her  marriage, 
would  prepare  her  mind  for  it. 

Using  her  utmost  endeavors  to  make  the  entrance 
to  married  life  as  pleasant  and  cloudless  as  possible, 
she  would  at  the  same  time  prepare  her  for  the 
chances  and  changes  sure  to  come. 

She  would  show  that  wedded  life,, for  a  woman, 
is  necessarily  a  state  of  subjection  ;  that  after  the/e/e 
is  once  over  there  is  little  of  holiday  to  be  expected, 
and  that  if  she  would  enjoy  the  state  —  the  happiness 
of  a  conjugal  union  —  she  must  be  prepared  to  accept 
its  burden  and  responsibilities. 

Driven  off  with  precipitate  haste  from  the  parental 
roof,  and  thrown  at  once  into  the  midst  of  new  and 
exciting  circumstances,  the  young  girl  has  no  oppor- 
tunit}'  to  analyze  her  own  feelings,  or  judge  calmly 
of  the  new  duties  which  await  her. 

For  a  time  she  has  been  the  centre  of  attraction, 
and  the  gratification  of  her  vanity  has  counterbal- 
anced, to  some  extent,  the  shock  to  her  feelings  and 


208  FOR  BETTER   OR    WORSE. 

modesty.  She  is  now  to  settle  down  to  the  position 
of  a  wife,  and,  pleasant  though  that  may  be,  it  is  difl'er- 
eut  from  that  of  an  admired  bride  ;  and  the  publicity, 
constant  attendance,  and  adulation  she  has  received 
have  not  been  the  best  preparation  for  it. 

Moreover,  she  has  still  to  learn  that  men  are  not 
all  alike,  some  of  them  not  at  all  alike,  and  that  her 
husband  may  be  the  farthest  removed,  by  habit  or 
early  training,  or  want  of  training,  from  the  father  or 
brother  upon  whom  she  has  been  accustomed  to  pin 
her  faith,  and  who  represent  all  her  domestic  ideas  of 
perfection. 

And  this  knowledge,  first  reaching  her,  comes  with 
a  sort  of  shock  ;  she  sees  it  in  the  breaking  up  of  her 
illusions,  for  she  has  not  yet  learned  that  human 
nature  is  made  up  of  many  different  qualities,  and 
that,  while  few  possess  all  the  good,  none  possess  all 
the  bad  ;  and  that  some  men  come  out  strong  in  one 
direction  and  some  in  another. 

"  My  dear,"  said  a  wise  woman,  one  day,  to  a 
young  wife,  "  take  your  husband  for  what  he  is,  and 
make  the  best  of  him,  and  don't  expect  him  to  be 
eitlier  your  father,  your  brother,  or  your  cousin.  Per- 
haps, if  the  wives  of  these  gentlemen  wore  to  relate 
some  things  from  their  stand-point,  you  might  not 
consider  them  much  more  enviable  than  yourself,  after 
all.  If  one  man  is  not  so  demonstrative,  ho  may  be 
moi'e  patient  than  another,  and  if  more  irascible,  more 
generous  and  willing  to  forgive." 


MODERN  BRIDALS.  209 

Such  thoughts  and  ideas,  as  influencing  a  young 
wife's  happiness,  may  be  supposed  to  be  mere  fancies  ; 
but  it  is  not  so.  With  the  mass  of  women,  with  the 
life  of  girlhood,  the  life  of  excitement  and  holiday  ac- 
tivity ceases,  and  a  new  interior  and  emotional  life 
commences. 

American  men,  as  a  general  rule,  are  immersed  in 
business  ;  and  American  wives  are  often  solitary,  and 
spend  much  of  their  time  alone. 

It  is  true  that  they  make  an  effort,  at  first,  to  keep 
up  their  old  acquaintances,  and  call,  and  visit,  and 
dress  as  usual.  But,  somehow,  it  is  not  the  same 
thing.  Their  young  friends  begin  by  looking  a  little 
askance  at  them,  and  finally  leave  them  out  of  their 
calculations  and  invitations  altogether. 

Then,  although  husband  and  wife  are  nominally  one, 
they  make  two  on  cards  for  a  party,  and  feel  that 
they  can  only  accept  such  social  obligations  as  they 
can  in  some  measure  reciprocate  —  a  difficult  task 
when  the  income  is  limited,  and  friends  numerous  and 
"  well  to  do." 

And  so  it  happens  that  thousands  of  gay  girls, 
belles  in  their  own  small  circle,  and  the  central  figures 
of  brilliant  modern  bridals,  drop,  after  a  year  or  two, 
out  of  society  ;  and  if  we  could  follow  them  to  their 
homes,  we  should  find  three  fourths  of  them  lonely 
women,  settling  down,  more  or  less  submissively,  to 
a  life  within  four  walls,  and  dwelling  morbidly  on 
looks  and  words,  and  tones  and  gestures,  to  which 
14 


210  POR  BETTER   OR   WORSE. 

their  active,  out-door  husbands  attach  no  meaning,  and 
in  the  suffering  from  which  they  cannot  sympathize. 

Girls  enter  matrimony  blindfolded.  They  imagine 
that  it  is  to  give  them  freedom,  state,  protection,  sup- 
port, and  the  cclal  of  established  social  position. 

In  the  bridal  ceremony  they  see  only  the  white 
satin,  the  jewels,  the  congratulations,  the  triumph 
over  girlish  friends,  the  pleasures  of  a  bridal  trip,  and 
unlimited  supplies  of  flowers  and  confectionery  for  an 
endless  future. 

How  quickly  the  spirit  of  their  illusive  dreams 
would  change  if  they  could  catch  a  glimpse  of  the 
grinning  skeleton  which  not  unfrequently  presides 
over  the  marriage  feast.  If  they  could  look  into  that 
future,  which  now  seems  so  bright,  and  see  the  soli- 
tary woman,  the  unloved  woman,  the  neglected 
woman,  the  woman  absorbed  by  cares,  and  out  of 
whose  life  has  dropped,  little  by  little,  all  of  the 
beauty  and  sunshine  of  which  it  once  seemed  to  be 
80  full  ! 

It  is  undoubtedly  difficult  for  a  bride  to  realize 
such  a  fate  as  in  store  for  her.  Whatever  happens  to 
the  rest  of  man  and  woman  kind,  ]xe  and  &7te  are  bound 
to  prove  exceptions. 

Still  a  course  of  preliminary  tutelage  could  hardly 
fail  to  impress  her  mind  with  certain  possibilities,  and 
if  she  could  once  see  in  marriage  only  one  form  of 
work,  duty,  responsibility,  a  state  whose  privileges, 
such  as  they  are,  are  certainly  counterbalanced  by  its 


MODERN  BRIDALS.  211 

distinctive  disabilities,  nine  out  of  ten  would  hesitate 
and  reflect  whether  it  might  not  be  as  well  to  retain 
the  home  and  friends  by  whom  they  were  already 
surrounded  ;  whether,  by  their  own  exertions  in  some 
other  way,  position  might  not  be  achieved,  and  inde- 
pendence at  the  same  time  maintained. 

I  knew  two  women,  one  now  the  principal  of  a 
thriving  young  ladies'  seminary,  the  other  a  physician 
in  successful  practice,  who  both  deliberately  declined 
several  offers  which  most  young  ladies  would  have 
jumped  at  as  "  splendid,"  because  they  preferred  to 
work  their  own  Way  and  enjoy  the  results  of  their 
own  achievements  untrammelled. 

I  know  another  woman,  luxuriously  brought  up, 
ardent,  ambitious,  who  followed  the  natural  course  of 
events,  and  married.  It  was  a  love-match,  and  her 
life  was  to  be  very  exceptionable.  Her  husband  was 
a  man  of  great  refinement.  Both  possessed  artistic 
tastes,  and  both  were  to  be  free  to  follow  them,  .with- 
out any  reference  to  the  grosser  domestic  necessities. 

But,  alas  !  though  no  violent  transitions  occurred, 
matrimonial  destiny  proved  too  much  for  the  wisest 
calculation.  Men  are  not  obliged  to  stay  at  home  to 
look  after  the  housekeeping,  to  see  that  the  children 
are  cared  for,  to  cook  the  dinner  if  Bridget  goes  off  in 
a  huff,  to  mend  the  stockings,  to  cut  out,  and  possibly 
make,  juvenile  aprons  and  night-gowns ;  but  som&- 
body  must  do  it,  and  generally  it  is  the  wife. 

It  was  so  in  this  instance.     Conscientiousness  and 


212  POR  BETTER   OR    WORSE. 

a  sense  of  duty  triumphed  over  disinclination  ;  but  it 
changed  the  brilliant  girl  into  the  sad,  reserved 
woman,  whose  life,  uuassailed  by  want  or  any  of  the 
more  obvious  forms  of  suffering,  was  swallowed  up  iu 
a  round  of  petty  cares,  which  were  inconceivably  try- 
ing to  her  high,  refined  spirit. 

Her  husband  was  too  sensitive,  and  a  man  of  too 
much  culture,  to  be  a  mere  money-getter ;  so  their 
income  did  not  increase  with  the  enlargement  of  the 
family  and  the  necessities  of  the  times  ;  and  from  their 
city  home  they  were  obliged  to  betake  themselves  to 
the  suburbs,  where  all  the  interests  of  life  are  swal- 
lowed up  in  a  great,  utter  loneliness,  or  become  cen- 
tred in  the  hundred  small  aggravations,  discomforts, 
and  annoyances  of  suburban  existence. 

Only  those  who  have  had  the  experience  will  ever 
know  how  much  women  of  active  habits  and  brains 
suffer  in  the  effort  to  be  conscientious  wives  and 
mothers ;  and  the  worst  of  it  is,  that  they  must 
neither  expect  credit  nor  sympathy.  A  woman  pos- 
sessed of  a  husband  who  does  not  beat  her,  and  four, 
five,  or  six,  more  or  less,  healthy  children,  is  con- 
sidered to  be,  and  it  is  thought  ought  to  consider 
herself,  a  very  happy  and  enviable  person. 

And  so  she  may  be ;  but  she  must  have  brought 
courage,  and  patience,  and  willingness,  and  faithful- 
ness, and  self-denial,  and  long-suffering  to  the  task 
before  she  became  so ;  and  girls  ought  to  know,  by 
plain,  serious,  truthful  teaching,  what,  as  women, 
they  have  to  expect. 


MODERN  BRIDALS.  213 

The  bridal,  upon  which  so  much  of  happiness  or 
misery  depends,  should  be  a  religious  ceremony  and 
consecration,  not  a  moxafele.  It  should  be  the  solemn 
taking  upon  themselves  the  burdens,  the  pains,  the 
trials,  as  well  as  the  joys  of  womanhood.  It  should 
be  for  women,  at  least,  an  act  of  self-renunciation, 
and  a  cause  for  humiliation,  rather  than  triumph. 

The  hour  of  her  triumph  may  come,  but  it  will  be 
that  of  her  death,  not  of  her  bridal ;  it  will  bo  when, 
having  conquered  whatever  is  unworthy,  sunk  the 
belle,  the  pet,  the  beauty,  the  ambitious  dreamer,  in 
the  exemplary  wife  and  mother,  she  finds  herself 
lifted  into  the  beatitudes,  and  the  reward  of  good  and 
faithful  service  conferred  upon  her. 

These  facts  should  be  at  least  dimly  shadowed  forth 
in  bridal  ceremonies  and  observances  ;  tears  should 
have  a  place  as  well  as  smiles,  and  the  young  wife 
should  be  launched  out  upon  the  troubled  sea  of  life 
from  her  father's  roof,  with  her  mother's  prayers  and 
the  blessings  of  friends  to  shield  her,  rather  than  made 
the  subject  of  vulgar  display,  and  the  public  buflfoon- 
ery  of  steamboats  and  railroad  cars. 


214  FOR  BETTER  OR    WORSE. 


CHAPTER   XXI. 

THE   SIN   OF   IGNORANCE. 

Girls  are  said  to  be  very  "knowing"  nowadays, 
and,  in  a  certain  sense,  they  are  so,  exhibiting  —  espe- 
cially the  city-educated  ones  —  a  preternatural  acute- 
ness  and  worldly  wisdom  far  beyond  their  years,  or 
the  ordinary  results  of  their  experience.  They  are 
perfectly  acquainted  with  the  exigencies  and  necessi- 
ties of  modern  life,  know  the  exact  length  of  a  fash- 
ionable trail,  all  the  mysteries  and  intricacies  of  a 
"  lovely "  complexion  and  "  stylish  "  get  up,  and 
are  too  practical  for  cither  sentiment  or  affection, 
which  would  be  likely  to  interfere  with  their  settled 
purpose,  to  avoid  "  drudgery  "  and  cultivate  the  lux- 
ury of  selfishness. 

This  sort  of  knowledge  is  quite  compatible  with  the 
grossest  ignorance  of  themselves  ;  in  fact,  it  is  a  ne- 
cessary corollary  of  it.  A  girl  well  taught  would 
understand  the  consequences  of  her  acts  too  well  to 
allow  her  indolence  to  become  the  measure  of  her  ca- 
pacity. She  would  have  learned  that  the  quality  and 
action  of  the  blood  are  more  important  to  the  complex- 


THE  SIN  OF  IGNORANCE.  215 

ion  than  powder ;  that  the  dress  is  of  less  consequence 
than  the  body  that  it  covers  ;  that  use  perfects 
beauty ;  and  that,  in  fine,  we  cannot  lay  the  burden 
of  our  being",  and  the  responsibility  of  our  doing,  on 
any  other  person,  without  suffering  the  penalty. 

That  ignorance  is  punished  as  a  fault  is  no  new  law 
in  science  or  ethics  ;  and  whose  the  fault  of  this  great 
sin  of  ignorance  can  hardly  be  determined.  Plainly, 
in  this  case,  it  is  the  fault  of  mothers,  say  some  ;  but 
how  can  the  mother  teach  that  which  she  does  not 
know  —  which  neither  the  education  of  the  home  nor 
the  schools  ever  taught  her  ? 

A  certain  kind  of  knowledge  has  come  to  her  with 
experience,  but  it  is  fragmentary  and  uncertain,  and 
she  doubts  the  wisdom  of  imparting  it.  The  world  is 
apparently  full  of  worldly  maxims  and  exhibitions  of 
individual  selfishness ;  and  isolated  from  the  underly- 
ing currents  of  broader  thought,  shut  up  within  her 
circle,  she  begins  to  doubt  the  very  existence  of  truth, 
or  the  possibility  of  a  simpler,  purer,  nobler  life. 

Existence,  so  far  as  she  sees  it,  is  a  mere  struggle 
for  supremacy,  a  conflict  of  opposing  forces.  How 
can  she  set  the  little  strength  left  after  daily  battle 
against  the  habits,  influences,  and  prejudices  of  those 
who  surround  her  ? 

Suppose  she  wishes  her  daughters  to  be  simple, 
honest,  truthful  women,  how  are  they  to  compete  in 
personal  appearance  with  girls  who  wear  sixty  dol- 
lars' worth  of  false  hair,  who  use  the  "  Bloom  of 


216  FOR  BETTER   OR    WORSE. 

Youth"  and  "  Oriental  Cream  "  to  disguise  their  sal- 
lowness,  who  fill  out  their  thin,  undeveloped  bodies 
with  padding,  and  create  false  standards  of  beauty 
and  grace,  which  men  accept  and  believe  in  as  the 
genuine  article  ? 

She  feels  instinctively  that  the  higher  aim  is  the 
better  aim  ;  but  is  it  not  beyond  the  world  she  lives  ? 
"Would  it  not  bo  isolating  her  children  from  the  sweet 
possibilities  of  human  affections  and  human  interests 
to  give  them  a  higher  purpose,  a  different  object  m 
life,  than  their  friends  and  associates  ? 

How  the  sense  of  duty  struggles  in  some  poor 
mothers  with  their  doubts  and  keen  desire  for  their 
daughters'  happiness  God  alone  can  understand ; 
and  rarely  is  there  any  human  agency  through  which 
they  can  find  help  in  the  solution  of  their  difiiculties. 
The  church  has  its  dogmas  to  sustain,  the  mission  and 
Bewing  societies  prayer-books  and  pocket-handko 
chiefs  to  provide  for  the  heathen  ;  but  the  anxious 
heart  and  soul  of  the  mother  must  fight  its  battles 
with  the  strong  forces  of  the  world,  the  flesh,  and  the 
devil  unheeded,  and  it  is  not  surprising  when  the 
courage  is  wanting  to  either  court  or  sustain  the 
conflict. 

The  consequence  is,  that  the  girl  is  allowed  to  drift 
into  all  the  falsities  of  common  life,  and  to  remain  ig- 
norant of  the  most  vital  truths  connected  with  her 
future  existence.  She  knows  no  more  of  her  own 
body,  of  the  nature  of  its  machinery,  of  its  capacity, 


THE  SIN  OF  IGNORANCE.  21 T 

of  its  purpose,  of  its  needs,  of  its  dangers,  or  of  the 
possible  results  of  her  follies,  than  a  child  five  years 
old.  If  she  has  beauty,  she  tries  to  heighten  it  by 
artificial  means,  careless  of  consequences,  and  of  the 
fact  that  wrinkled  old  age  grows  out  of  the  fair  falsity 
of  youth. 

She  has  no  fixed  habits,  and  no  sense  of  responsi- 
bility, and  is  as  unjust  to  herself  in  her  ignorance  as 
to  others  in  her  selfishness.  Her  life  is  purposeless, 
with  the  single  exception  of  a  fixed  idea  that  she 
must  marry  if  she  gets  a  chance  ;  and  this  would  not 
be  so  very  bad,  if  it  induced  her  to  organize  her  life 
and  mould  her  habits  so  as  best  to  prepare  herself  for 
such  a  future. 

The  few  years  which  intervene  between  school  life 
and  married  life  are  among  the  most  important  in  the 
existence  of  a  young  girl,  and  should  be  most  care- 
fully employed  by  the  mother  in  imparting  house- 
hold knowledge,  in  teaching  her  how  to  unite  her  so- 
cial with  domestic  duties,  in  developing  and  strength- 
ening her  physique,  and  impressing  upon  her  the  im- 
portance of  her  own  physical  well-being  to  her  future 
happiness  and  the  fulfilment  of  present  and  future 
obligations.  Her  life  should  be  regular,  her  habits 
cleanly  and  temperate,  her  clothing  adapted  to  the 
season  and  the  occasion,  and  occupation  constant, 
though  not  too  laborious  or  exhausting. 

A  certain  portion  of  the  household  duties,  involv- 
ing daily  care  and  attention,  should  be  committed  to 


218  FOR  BETTER   OR   WORSE. 

her  hands,  and  the  habit  of  apportioning  her  time, 
which  she  has  probably  acquired  at  school,  kept  up. 

There  is  nothing  which  drifts  away  time,  and 
strength,  and  energy,  like  an  aimless  life.  People 
who  have  nothing  which  they  iimist  do,  end  by  not 
being  able  to  do  anything ;  and  this  is  markedly  the 
case  with  girls.  Mothers  foolishly  say,  "0,  let 
them  have  an  easy  time  while  they  can  ;  trouble  and 
hard  work  will  come  soon  enough."  They  forget, 
or  fail  to  realize,  that  they  are  taking  the  very 
method  to  render  the  future  as  hard  as  possible,  by 
sending  them  into  it  wholly  unprepared  for  its  chances 
or  mischances,  wholly  ignorant  of  the  consequences 
to  themselves  and  others  of  not  conscientiously  fill- 
ing their  place  and  performing  their  allotted  line  of 
duty. 

When  a  girl  marries,  she  does  so,  in  nine  cases  out 
of  ten,  in  entire  ignorance  of  the  physical  facts  con- 
nected with  her  own  existence.  She  does  not  know 
that  the  new  demands  upon  her  time,  strength,  en- 
ergy, and  sympathies  excite  her  nerves  to  an  activity 
which  produces  apparent  irritability,  and  then  unwar- 
ranted depression.  She  requires  to  have  patience 
with  herself,  and  tenderness  and  consideration  from 
others,  until  the  delicate  and  complex  organization  of 
the  young  wife,  the  future  mother,  has  adapted  itself 
to  its  fresh  circumstances,  its  strange  and  unaccus- 
tomed surroundings. 

A  wise  husband  would  understand  and  guard  against 


THE  SIN  OF  IGNORANCE.  219 

these  changes  and  mutations  of  feeling,  which  are 
purely  physical  and  nervous  ;  but  the  majority  of 
newly-married  husbands  are  quite  as  ignorant  as  their 
wives  in  regard  to  what  it  is  most  important  they 
should  know,  and  a  great  deal  more  selfish,  and  they 
look  upon  those  physico-mental  phenomena  as  ebulli- 
tions and  indications  of  a  disposition  which  must  be 
checked  in  the  bud  by  a  proper  assertion  of  mascu- 
line pride,  strength,  and  authority.  Thus  the  poor 
young  wife  has  not  only  to  endure  the  inevitable 
shocks  and  sufferings  occasioned  by  new  relations  and 
conditions,  but  she  is  tortured  by  distrust  of  the  ideal 
man  she  worshipped,  and  suspicion  of  the  reality  of 
his  love  for  herself. 

Instead  of  the  early  part  of  married  life  being  the 
sweetest,  it  is  not  unfrequently  the  bitterest,  at  least 
in  the  woman's  experience.  All  the  habits  and  cus- 
toms of  modern  life  add  their  quota  to  the  sum  total 
of  the  draft  made  upon  her  strength  and  nervous  en- 
ergy. Instead  of  quietude  and  repose,  the  protection 
and  love  of  friends,  during  the  first  few  difficult  weeks 
or  months  of  wedded  life,  the  bride  rushes  from  one 
scene  of  excitement  to  another,  is  kept  up  late  at 
night,  and  paraded  everywhere  as  an  object  of  legiti- 
mate curiosity,  until,  partly  elated,  partly  annoyed, 
but  wholly  wrought  up  to  a  state  of  intense  and  most 
injurious  excitement  by  the  attention  she  obtains,  the 
admiration  she  receives,  she  is  rendered  quite  unfit  to 
take  any  serious  view  of  the  duties  aud  responsibili- 


220  FOR  BETTER   OR    WORSE. 

ties  she  has  assumed,  and  only  desires  that  her  pres- 
ent condition  of  freedom  and  exaltation  may  con- 
tinue. 

The  almost  universal  fact,  therefore,  of  the  loss  of 
the  first  child  by  miscarriage,  consequent  upon  tho 
undue  strain  put  upon  strength  and  nerves,  is  gener- 
ally considered  by  the  wife  as  a  matter  for  congratu- 
lation, not  at  all  as  a  subject  for  sorrow,  much  less  re- 
morse. The  husband's  regrets  are  balanced  by  con- 
siderations of  present  saving  of  money  and  trouble, 
and  no  thought  is  given  to  the  treasure  of  human  life 
and  love  enfolded  in  that  brief  epitome  of  human  ex- 
perience, or  the  possibly  childless  future,  in  which  the 
unheeded  fragment  will  find  a  vengeance  more  deadly 
than  the  imagination  would  dare  to  depict. 

But  although  it  is  only  in  exceptional  instances  that 
this  last  and  worst  result  follows  the  first  violations 
of  the  laws  which  govern  human  and  social  relations, 
yet  they  are  always  the  beginning  of  evils  which  ac- 
cumulate and  grow  serious  as  time  goes  on.  The  wife 
forfeits  her  strongest  claim  to  her  husband's  affection 
and  respect,  the  husband  loses  the  inspiration  of  the 
best  incentive  that  can  exist  for  him  to  effort  and 
self-restraint.  Both  meet  the  obligations  which  come 
after  with  less  of  enthusiasm  and  more  of  dissatisfac- 
tion, and  while  one  grows  prematurely  old,  and  un- 
naturally irritable,  the  other  becomes  imperious,  ex- 
acting, yet  indifferent. 

Nearly  all  the  evils  of  life  come  from  looking  at 


THE  SIN  OF  IGNORANCE.  221 

our  acts  and  ourselves  from  a  purely  personal  point 
of  view  ;  we  take  it  for  granted  that  we  belong  to 
ourselves,  and  have  a  right  to  use  or  abuse  ourselves 
as  we  please.  It  is  the  most  common  thing  in  the 
world  to  hear  people  speak  of  a  man  as  being  "  no 
one's  enemy  but  his  own."  This  is  not  a  possible 
condition  of  human  existence.  As  parts  of  one  great 
body,  we  are  all  dependent  upon  and  owe  duties  to 
each  other,  and  the  sooner  this  is  made  the  start- 
ing-point in  our  education,  the  quicker  we  shall  get 
rid  of  the  evils  which  have  grown  out  of  our  selfish- 
ness and  individualism. 

Love  of  self  has  been  considered  the  strongest  ac- 
tuating principle  ;  but  this  is  taking  a  very  low  view 
of  human  nature  and  its  possibilities.  There  is  a 
principle  which  quite  subordinates  self  to  the  desire 
to  realize  a  d\yine  or  even  human  ideal,  and  if  it  is 
not  stronger  than  selfishness,  why,  effort  is  vain,  and 
we  must  cease  to  believe  in  the  saving  power  of  the 
moral  or  spiritual  forces  It  is  this  ideal  of  a  true 
manhood,  a  noble  womanhood,  which  the  mother  must 
present  to  her  sons  and  her  daughters,  if  she  would 
have  them  realize  it  in  their  own  persons  ;  but  first 
she  must  show  them  a  living  example  of  it  in  the 
persons  of  their  parents.  A  golden  family  rule  is  to 
respect  self  in  others,  to  sacrifice  it  in  ourselves,  and 
that  not  half  way,  with  reservations  and  complain- 
ings, but  wholly,  freely,  as  God  gives  to  us. 

When  young   men   and   young  women   are   once 


222  POR  BETTER  OR   WORSE. 

taught  that  they  are  not  their  own,  that  their  bodies 
are  given  to  them  for  a  purpose,  as  well  as  their  in- 
tellects, their  souls,  they  will  no  longer  feel  at  lib- 
erty to  abuse  them.  They  will  neither  poison  them 
with  ardent  spirits  and  tobacco,  nor  cramp,  restrain, 
despoil  them  by  the  adoption  of  injurious  fashions. 
They  will  respect  the  body  as  the  vehicle  of  thought, 
feeling,  desire,  and  aspiration,  and  try  to  make  it  and 
keep  it  beautiful,  in  the  best  and  truest  sense  of  the 
term. 

These  duties  are  as  incumbent  upon  men  as  wo- 
men, and  many  husbands  would  be  influenced  and  re- 
strained by  new  and  powerful  motives  if  they  could 
realize  that  the  health  and  happiness  of  their  wives, 
the  interests  of  their  children,  and  the  united  future 
as  a  family,  depended  upon  their  forbearance,  wisdom, 
and  willingness  to  subordinate  self  to  the  higher  facts 
of  family  and  humanity. 


DIVORCE.  223 


CHAPTER    XXII. 

DIVORCE. 

Tms  little  volume  has  wholly  failed  of  its  purpose, 
if  it  has  not  shown  that  marriage  should  be  practi- 
cally indissoluble  ;  if  it  is  not,  it  is  not  marriage,  and 
has  no  force,  no  sacredness,  no  value.  Instead  of 
creating  the  family,  which  is  the  foundation  of  society 
and  good  government,  it  creates  tribes  of  wandering, 
nomadic  existences,  bound  together  by  no  law  of 
duty,  acknowledging  no  obligation,  held  by  no  tender 
cords  of  association,  sympathy,  or  companionship.  To 
reorganize  society  on  such  a  basis  would  be  to  return 
to  the  Fetichistic  condition  of  the  race,  to  voluntarily 
relinquish  all  that  has  been  gained  of  general  moral  and 
social  elevation.  Goethe  says,  "  Marriage  is  the  be- 
ginning and  end  of  all  culture,  and  must  be  indisso- 
luble, because  it  brings  so  much  happiness,  that  what 
small  exceptional  unhappiness  it  may  bring  counts 
for  nothing  in  the  balance.  And  what  do  men  mean 
by  talking  of  unhappiness  ?  Impatience  it  is,  which, 
from  time  to  time,  comes  over  them,  and  then  they 
fancy  themselves  unhappy.     Let  them  wait  till  the 


224  POR  BETTER   OR    WORSE. 

moment  has  gone  by,  and  then  they  will  bless  their 
good  fortune  that  what  has  stood  so  long  continues 
standing.  There  never  can  be  any  adequate  ground 
for  separation." 

This  last  expression,  which,  with  the  rest,  Goethe 
has  put  in  the  mouth  of  a  good  man,  is  perhaps  too 
strong  ;  the  law  which  binds  should  have  power  to 
unloose,  or  at  least  protect  from  consequences  dan- 
gerous to  the  individual,  disastrous  to  society. 

"  Free  divorce  "  would  destroy  marriage  ;  but  com- 
pulsory ^woxcq —  in  other  words,  divorce  insisted  upon 
and  maintained  by  law  when  habitual  drunkenness  or 
other  criminal  habits  render  man  or  woman  brutal,  dan- 
gerous, and  unfit  to  undertake  the  parentage  of  chil- 
dren —  would  be  one  of  the  best  safeguards  of  mar- 
riage. The  flippancy  which  sneers  at  or  ridicules  the 
holiest  tics  may  profess  to  see  in  this  an  inducement 
to  drunkenness,  in  order  to  become  released  from  the 
marriage  bond.  But  the  lips  that  could  utter  such  a 
sentiment  would  know  that  it  was  not  true.  There 
are  none  to  whom  it  is  more  important,  none  who  feel 
that  it  is  so,  more  than  the  very  poor,  to  whom  it  is 
the  link  that  unites  them  with  their  kind,  that  makes 
them  sharers  in  the  common  humanity.  If  the  very  poor 
were  not  husbands  and  wives,  fathers  and  mothers, 
they  would  be  brutes,  with  hardly  a  thought,  a  feel- 
ing, or  habit,  in  common  with  the  rest  of  the  world. 

The  knowledge  that  the  law  took  cognizance  of  the 
loss  of  individual  character,  and  self-respect,  and  in- 


DIVORCE.  225 

tcrfercd  summarily  to  protect  individuals  and  society 
from  dangers  and  additional  burdens,  would  exercise 
an  incalculable  influence  in  deterring  men  and  women 
from  the  excessive  indulgence  of  their  appetites  and 
passions. 

The  one  cause  for  which  divorces  are  principally 
granted  is  a  matter  which  is  even  now  settled  mainly 
by  the  parties  themselves,  the  action  for  damages  re- 
cently entered  by  a  contestant  in  a  celebrated  case, 
being  almost  the  first  in  which  such  an  appeal  has 
been  made  to  the  laws  in  this  country. 

Under  a  system  which  gives  a  wife  no  right  in 
the  income  or  accumulated  property  until  after  her 
husband's  death,  a  woman  cannot  apply  for  a  di- 
vorce, because  she  has  no  money  —  because  marriage 
has  deprived  her  of  her  means  of  maintenance,  and 
given  her  children,  whom  she  is  bound  to  take  care 
of.  Its  protection,  therefore,  and  championship  of 
her  rights  is  the  merest  pretence,  as  is  proved  by  the 
fact  that  to  one  who  appeals  to  the  law,  ten  patiently 
sit  down  and  endure  their  woes. 

It  is  here,  however,  in  America,  where  human 
rights  are  professedly  held  sacred,  where  social  con- 
ditions are  more  favorable  than  elsewhere  to  the 
highest  form  of  social  morality,  that  marriage  should 
be  placed  upon  an  authoritative  and  universally  ac- 
knowledged basis.  It  is  the  extreme  of  childish- 
ness and  folly  to  make  a  law  for  one  state,  touching 
80  important  a  matter  as  this,  which  underlies  all  so- 
15 


226  FOR  BETTER   OR    WORSE. 

cial  and  governmental  life,  to  bo  set  aside  by  simply 
stepping  over  the  boundaries  into  another  state.  This 
purely  human  interest  is  above  sect  or  party,  and 
should  be  treated  from  the  broad  stand-point  of  a 
universal  humanity. 


DOMESTIC  SERVICE.  227 


CHAPTER  XXIII. 

DOMESTIC  SERVICE. 

It  is  a  curious  fact,  and  one  that  serves  to  show 
how  much  broader  humanity  is  than  any  one  of  its 
outgrowths,  that,  in  this  nation  of  politics  and  poli- 
ticians, the  question  of  the  day  is  not  political,  but 
social ;  not  primarily  of  public,  but  of  private  and  do- 
mestic interest,  and  now  of  an  acknowledged  impor- 
tance by  virtue  of  the  inherent  influence  which  house- 
hold relations  exercise  upon  public  life  and  character. 

When  our  fathers  declared  that  all  men  were  bom 
"  free  and  equal,"  they  declared  an  impossible  prop- 
osition. Men  are  not  born  free  and  equal,  cither 
mentally,  morally,  physically,  or  politically.  Nor  are 
women.  Some  are  born  to  command,  others  to  obey  ; 
and  they  fulfil  the  destiny  which  fate,  in  the  shape  o^ 
temperament,  disposition,  and  strength  of  intellect, 
has  marked  out  for  them,  whether  their  lot  has  been 
cast  in  the  hut  or  the  palace. 

The  idea  is  a  very  agreeable  one,  however,  to  the 
majority  of  mankind,  who"  like  to  believe  that  there  is 
only  the  difference  of  luck  and  opportunity  between 


228  POR  BETTER   OR   WORSE. 

one  man  and  another,  and  was,  and  is,  especially  wel- 
comed by  those  who  wish  to  throw  the  blame  of  their 
inferiority  upon  the  institutions  under  which  they 
live,  quite  forgetting  that  the  unequal  genius,  the  ex- 
ceptional honor  and  integrity,  they  deride,  conquer  all 
obstacles,  and  have  won  in  all  ages  a  place  as  far 
above  those  conferred  by  hereditary  right,  or  bought 
with  money,  as  the  hejavens  are  above  the  earth,  in 
our  conception  of  it. 

This  equality  of  rights,  which  he  does  not  under- 
stand, enables,  however,  the  half  barbarian  who  lands 
upon  our  shores  to  shake  his  fist,  figuratively,  in  the 
face  of  the  entire  world,  and  say  to  every  man,  "  1  am 
as  good  as  you." 

Tie  is  a  little  surprised,  after  a  time,  that  this  is  all 
there  is  of  it.  His  assertion  of  equality  does  not  en- 
able him  to  paint  pictures,  write  books,  or  build 
houses,  without  the  natural  ability  and  the  acquisL 
tion  of  knowledge  to  enable  him  to  use  it.  It  does 
not  even  provide  him  with  food,  or  clothing,  or  a 
house  to  live  in.  These  must  be  earned,  and  he  finds 
no  road  easier  to  their  attainment  than  the  old  one  of 
daily  labor. 

Bridget  has  no  vote,  but  neither  has  the  native- 
born  American  woman  ;  this  fact  therefore  establishes 
Qvdr  equality.  She  sets  her  foot  upon  American  soil 
with  one  fixed  idea  in  her  mind,  that  the  privilege  of 
doing  80  makes  her  as  "  good  as  a  lady,"  any  day. 
Being  as  good  as  a  lady  in  her  untutored  mind,  mean- 


DOMESTIC  SERVICE.  229 

ing  that  she  has  a  perfect  right  to  set  herself  in  op- 
position to  a  lady,  to  be  rude,  aggressive,  self-asser- 
tive, and,  as  it  is  termed,  "  independent,"  though  her 
system  of  getting  all  she  can,  and  giving  as  little  as 
possible,  in  return,  of  loyalty,  truth,  or  duty,  pos- 
sesses very  little  of  the  spirit  of  genuine  indepen- 
dence. 

Thus  the  "  girl  "  has  become  the  Ishmaelite  of  the 
nineteenth  century.  She  avenges  herself  on  her  ser- 
vitude by  being  the  terror  of  our  social  life,  the 
dreaded  yet  necessary  pest  of  every  household,  the 
destroyer  of  peace  and  comfort,  the  breaker-up  of 
families,  the  insidious  ally  of  boarding-houses,  the 
possessor  of  a  single  idea  —  her  rights  ;  and  these, 
whether  they  consist  in  being  allowed  to  exercise  her 
own  judgment  in  regard  to  the  amount  of  dirt  each 
individual  shall  be  expected  to  consume,  the  extent  to 
which  good  food  shall  be  turned  into  poison,  or  how 
many  evenings  in  a  week  she  shall  be  permitted  to 
entertain  her  friends  and  relatives,  she  is  ready  at  a 
moment's  notice  to  maintain,  at  any  loss  or  incon- 
venience to  others  (her  newly-acquired  sovereignty 
will  not  admit  that  her  conduct  will  be  likely  to  un- 
favorably affect  herself).  Is  she  not  as  good  as  any- 
body ?  Has  she  not  a  right  to  do  as  she  pleases  ?  And 
are  there  not  twenty  doors  open  to  receive  her  with 
or  without  a  "  character  "  ? 

So,  as  her  presence  is  generally  sufficiently  disa- 
greeable to  make  her  absence  small  matter  for  regret, 


230  I^OR  BETTER   OR    WORSE. 

mistresses  of  households  learn  to  look  upon  frequent 
change  of  servants  as  a  matter  of  course,  and  kitchen 
domination  an  evil  which  has  no  remedy. 

But  does  this  dismissal  of  the  subject  do  either 
party  entire  justice  ?  Ought  the  responsibility  of 
home  life  to  bo  thrown  so  entirely  on  the  servant-girl's 
shoulders  ?  Is  not  domestic  sei*vice  so  nearlj'  a  form 
of  domestic  slavery  that  we  should  shrink  from  seeing 
our  own  daughters  subjected  to  it  ? 

Yet  why  should  service,  the  waiting  upon  others, 
be  degrading  ?  Do  we  iiot  all  serve  some  one,  and 
does  not  God  serve  us  all  ? 

Looked  at  from  the  point  of  view  of  a  common  hu- 
manity, service  is  ennobling,  and  should  be  glorified 
by  being  committed  to  worthy  hands. 

The  "servant-girl,"  as  we  know  her,  is  a  pariah ;  she 
is  in  families,  but  not  of  them  ;  she  does  their  grub- 
bing in  the  dust  and  ashes  ;  she  has  her  home  in  the 
corner  of  the  attic ;  she  sees  life  only  through  the 
kitchen  bars ;  she  is  denied  participation  in  social 
life,  and  the  exercise  of  feelings  common  to  man  and 
woman  kind.  She  is  known  to  be  ignorant  and  un- 
trained, yet  she  is  expected  to  have  a  higher  and 
stricter  sense  of  duty  than  is  often  found  among  the 
most  cultivated,  and  a  strength  of  devotion  worthy 
of  saints  and  martyrs. 

Is  not  our  conception  of  the  true  character  of  ser- 
vice a  complete  acknowledgment  of  the  false  position 
in  which  wo  put  the  one  who  serves  ?     And  is  not 


DOMESTIC   SERVICE.  231 

the  spectacle  of  servant-girls  "  striking,"  or  even 
asking,  for  the  hours  necessary  for  rest,  or  brief  sea- 
sons of  relaxation,  a  shocking  criticism  upon  our  civ- 
ilization and  our  humanity  ? 

The  most  promising  indication  for  the  future  of  the 
servant-girl  system  of  the  present,  is  the  rapid  ad- 
vance in  wages,  and  the  rates  which  skilled  domestic 
labor  now  commands. 

It  is  true  that  we  suffer  in  consequence  of  the  dis- 
proportion which  often  exists  between  the  amount  of 
remuneration  asked  and  the  quality  of  the  service  of- 
fered. But  fair  compensation  will  do  its  work  in  time, 
and  bring  into  the  field  of  household  service  a  supe- 
rior class  of  women  to  those  who  have  of  late  years 
ruled  our  kitchens,  and  not  the  kitchens  only,  but  the 
whole  house. 

To  completely  effect  this  salutary  change,  however, 
a  reform  must  take  place  in  the  treatment  of  servants, 
and  in  the  estimate  placed  upon  their  efforts.  Do- 
mestic service  is  different  from  the  labor  of  the  me- 
chanic. The  latter  commences  and  closes  his  work 
at  a  certain  hour,  and  there  his  responsibility  ceases. 
The  household  servant,  on  the  contrary,  is  subject  to 
family  contingencies  ;  she  must  be  up  with  or  before 
the  sun,  and  her  work,  like  that  of  the  proverbial 
woman,  is  never  done. 

Moreover,  upon  the  disposition  with  which  she  per- 
forms her  duties,  as  well  as  upon  her  knowledge  of 
the  how  and  the  wherefore,  depends  to  a  great  ex- 
tent the  comfort  of  the  family. 


232  FOR  BETTER   OR    WORSE. 

Perhaps  the  most  common  complaint  among  wo- 
men is,  that  servants  "  take  no  interest,"  as  the  phrase 
goes,  in  their  work,  or  in  those  they  work  for.  This 
is  undoubtedly  true,  but  there  are  reasons  why  they 
do  not,  and  instead  of  complaining,  we  should  do  bet- 
ter to  inquire  what  these  are,  and  to  remedy  the  diflS- 
culty. 

In  ninety-nine  cases  out  of  a  hundred,  the  reason 
of  their  want  of  interest  in  their  work  will  be  found 
to  be  their  ignorance  of  how  to  do  it  in  the  best  way, 
and  the  general  dissatisfaction  with  the  results.  In 
the  second  place,  no  motive  is  furnished  them.  To 
stimulate  any  one  to  active  and  voluntary  service,  we 
must  excite  their  affection  towards  us.  We  must 
treat  them  as  if  they  were  human,  like  ourselves,  ac- 
tuated by  the  same  feelings,  governed  by  the  same 
motives,  liable  to  the  same  sufferings,  requiring  the 
same  forbearance.  Women  know  better  than  men 
how  impossible  it  is  to  get  for  pay  the  service  per- 
formed  by  love,  and  the  knowledge  should  teach 
them  to  educate  a  class  of  domestic  assistants,  of  com- 
prehending a  broader  purpose  in  living  than  to  merely 
indulge  the  animal  instincts,  and  satisfy  animal  wants. 

Household  life  and  household  labor  are  very  differ- 
ent, with  most  of  us,  from  what  they  were  a  half  a 
century  ago.  Modern  skill  and  genius,  the  progress 
in  physical  science,  arts,  and  industries,  have  relieved 
domestic  work  of  half  its  drudgery,  have  removed 
many  of  its  tasks  to  the  manufactory,  and  the  work- 


DOMESTIC  SERVICE.  233 

shop,  but  have  added  enormously  to  the  amount  of 
capital  necessary  for  the  rearing  of  a  family  in  the 
enjoyments  of  the  products  of  skill  and  industry. 

The  average  man  cannot  earn  enough  to  support  a 
wife  and  children  in  modern  style,  to  buy  clothing 
ready  made,  to  rent  a  house  at  the  cost  of  a  fair  in- 
come, to  buy  food  to  be  wasted  as  well  as  eaten,  and 
pay  servants  for  wasting  it.  The  average  man,  there- 
fore, has  about  made  up  his  mind  not  to  marry,  un- 
less he  can  find  some  one  who  will  help  support  a 
family,  if  she  cannot  serve  it  in  any  other  way. 

They  argue,  with  apparent  correctness,  that  since 
so  much  of  the  work  by  which  women  formerly  con- 
tributed to  the  comfort  and  support  of  the  family 
(spinning,  knitting,  weaving,  sewing,  bakuig,  pre- 
serving, and  the  like),  has  been  largely  taken  out  of 
their  hands,  they  should  profitably  occupy  themselves 
in  some  other  way:  they  only  forget  that  women  have 
not  yet  been  trained  to  other  occupations  ;  that  there 
is  an  active  prejudice  against  their  engaging  in 
business  avocations,  with  which  they  have  to  con- 
tend ;  and  also  that  living  is  infinitely  more  compli- 
cated, and  the  social  demands  much  greater  than 
formerly. 

The  fact  remains,  however,  that  labor-saving  appli- 
ances have  deprived  housekeeping  of  the  terrors  which 
it  possessed,  for  our  grandmothers.  There  is  no  lift- 
ing of  heavy  weights,  in  the  shape  of  tubs  and  iron 
pots  ;  in  cities  at  least,  there  is  no  carrying  of  water, 


234  FOR  BETTER   OR    WORSE. 

or  coal,  or  wood,  excepting  in  rare  cases,  to  the  dif- 
ferent rooms  ;  there  is  no  time  spent  in  the  prepara- 
tion or  use  of  artificial  light.  Our  great  necessities 
are  provided  for  us  with  the  utmost  nicety,  and  with 
the  least  expenditure  of  time  and  trouble. 

There  is  no  reason,  therefore,  why  the  cultivated 
woman  should  not  be  able  to  perform  any  household 
work  (not  any  amount  of  it)  with  ease  to  herself  and 
comfort  to  others.  Ladies  living  in  the  country,  and 
in  suburban  localities,  are  often  compelled  to  solve 
this  problem  for  themselves,  and  do  it  most  satisfac- 
torily. The  new  methods,  the  beautiful  mechanical 
appliances,  are  intended  for,  and  particularly  adapted 
to,  intelligent,  skilful,  and  interested  use.  They  ab- 
solutely require  cleanliness  and  a  sufficient  compre- 
hension of  natural  philosophy  to  enable  those  who 
work  with  them  to  know  the  how  and  the  why  of  the 
different  parts,  and  the  condition  of  their  efficient  em- 
ployment. 

What  are  sinks,  and  drains,  and  water-pipes,  but 
obstacles  and  nests  of  infectious  disease,  if  they  are 
not  kept  clear,  and  clean,  and  free  from  obstructions  ? 
What  are  kitchen  ranges  but  enormous  consumers  of 
fuel,  and  impassable  barriers  to  success  in  cooking,  if 
they  are  imperfectly  understood,  and  carelessly  and 
wastefully  treated  ?  Wiiat  is  our  apparatus  for  pro- 
ducing artificial  light,  without  trouble,  but  a  powder 
magazine  in  inexperienced  or  unt^iinking  hands  ? 

All  these  inventions,  so  admirable  for  use  by  the 


DOMESTIC  SERVICE.  235 

intelligent,  are  a  positive  injury  when  they  are  in- 
trusted to  those  who  are  indifferent  to  the  conse- 
quences of  misuse,  and  ignorant  of  their  possibilities 
as  aids  to  more  thorough  cleanliness,  greater  order, 
more  regular  system,  larger  culture,  and  altogether 
more  refined  and  perfect  social  life. 

Thus  our  modern  progress  has  availed  us  little, 
as  yet,  in  bringing  order  out  of  our  domestic  chaos. 
Work  is  not  better  done,  we  are  not  less  burdened, 
and  instead  of  thankfulness  that  our  lives  have  fallen 
in  pleasant  places,  we  have  bitterness  and  heartburn- 
ings. 

The  reason  of  this  is  not  to  be  found  exclusively  in 
the  shortcomings  of  servant-girls,  or  the  hardness  of 
the  service  ;  the  fault  is  mainly  our  own  :  it  is  be- 
cause we  are  not  willing  to  do  our  part  ;  we  are  not 
willing  to  serve  or  put  ourselves  to  real  use. 

We  force  upon  men,  in  addition  to  the  acquisition 
of  modern  domestic  improvements,  the  employment 
of  a  staff  of  servants,  who  simply  enter  in  and  take 
possession ;  who  are  amenable  to  no  law,  because  the 
mistress  of  the  household  is  not  competent  either  to 
make  laws  or  enforce  them  ;  and  who  have  only  one 
idea  —  their  own  "  rights." 

The  result  is  not  beauty,  or  order,  or  comfort,  or 
repose,  or  enjoyment,  but  anarchy  and  confusion, 
with  a  reckless  expenditure,  which  no  mere  earnings 
can  sustain.  Women  complain,  and  men  are  discour- 
aged, homes  are  broken  up  in  disorder,  families  take 


236  FOR  BETTER   OR    WORSE. 

refuge  in  the  discomfort  of  boarding-houses,  and  sin- 
gle men  resolve  to  live  for  themselves,  and  not  add  the 
doubtful  happiness  and  certain  burden  of  wife  and 
children. 

This  aspect  of  the  case  is  a  serious  one  ;  it  threat- 
ens not  only  our  system  of  morals,  but  our  entire  civ- 
ilization. Women,  in  the  very  nature  of  the  case,  are 
more  or  less  at  the  mercy  of  men,  and  the  sacredness 
of  family  ties  is  their  best  protection  and  safeguard. 
The  family  is  a  social  unit,  and  each  one  should  form, 
in  its  own  way,  a  social  centre  ;  but  it  cannot  do  this 
unless  the  members  understand  their  duties  and  per- 
form them. 

Service  is  the  natural  expression  of  our  love,  and 
intelligence  should  enable  us  to  render  our  service  in 
the  best  and  most  efficient  way.  We  must  do  this 
by  either  putting  something  into  the  common  stock, 
or  adding  to  the  value  of  what  is  already  gained  by 
another's  labor. 

If  you  buy  food,  you  must  pay  for  the  cooking  ; 
you  buy  material  for  clothing,  you  must  pay  for  the 
making ;  you  hire  a  room,  you  must  serve  yourself, 
or  pa}'  for  others  to  serve  you.  In  this  way  labor 
adds  to  the  value  of  the  original  production,  and  men 
have  got  to  learn  that  this  labor  is  more  valuable 
from  a  wife  or  daugiitcr  than  from  one  who  has  no 
unity  of  interests,  or  bond  of  affection  to  furnish  a 
motive  to  the  faithful  performance  of  duty. 

To  raise  the  character  of  service,  then,  we  must  all 


DOMESTIC  SERVICE.  23 1 

recognize  the  fact  that  we  serve  each  other,  and  tliat 
it  makes  very  little  difference  what  is  the  nature  of  our 
service,  provided  we  do  it,  and  do  it  well. 

Let  us  stop  complaining  of  "girls,"  and  set  our- 
selves and  our  daughters  to  real  work.  Let  us  reduce 
the  amount  of  room  we  are  obliged  to  occupy  in  or- 
der to  accommodate  our  domestic  hinderances,  and 
save  the  vast  amount  of  expenditure  in  rent  and  liv- 
ing. Let  us  offer  to  our  daughters  the  inducements 
to  cook,  and  sweep,  and  dust,  and  njake  home  happy, 
that  our  husbands  do  to  our  sons  in  the  shop,  the 
store,  and  the  counting-house. 

Let  us,  above  all,  see  to  it  that  we  are  wise  dis- 
pensers and  care-takers,  and,  if  we  accept  ignorance  to 
relievo  us  from  drudgery,  endeavor  to  enlighten  and 
instruct  it ;  remembering  that  the  best  that  can  be 
said  of  us,  and  to  us,  at  last,  is,  "  Well  done,  good 
and  faithful  servant." 


WQ 


1205  00879  3745 


—      —        * 


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